Thursday, 30 June 2005 [5:30 p.m.]:
To my dearest friend, KD –
Hi, hon, and how are you going? I felt really tired today after visiting the specialist so I wound up spending another day lying around and reading. Unfortunately, since I didn’t go to work today my timesheet will miss the deadline at Payroll and I will again receive a half pay, just what I need right now when I have no refrigerator, etc. Oh, yeah – another thing happened today – when I got to the doctor’s office and parked the car, I couldn’t get the passenger-side window to close (it was raining a little, of course). Finally managed it by pulling/pushing it with one hand and using the other on the switch (of course they are electric windows).
Do you know the book "The Little Prince"? I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. I can’t find my copy but I will get it out at the Library so I can quote you a couple of lines. Another missing book – "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran that my mother gave to me when I was a teenager and can’t find anywhere.
You felt close today but I do keep feeling overwhelming gratitude that what has happened in the last couple of days here didn’t happen in 108 if I had come up there. It would have been B-A-D for sure if it had. Honey, I’m pretty sure I know what happened there on the 10th, 11th and 12th and I am completely OK with it. You should have trusted me a little. As it was you only had a partial glimpse into who I am you didn’t know that you could have relied on me, maybe like you could have relied on no one else. I know this all sounds a bit cryptic but I mean it to be so because I’m sure there are only a few that truly know what went down.
That’s all I’m going to write for now, KD. I missed you heaps today (like every other bloody day) but, so far, no tears.
Love you muchly –
- Susan
Wednesday, 29 June 2005 [11:00 p.m.]:
To my gentle Keith –
Hi, honey, how are you? Today hasn’t been good – I’ve cried so much for you – it’s back like it was weeks ago. In a way I prefer it, though, to the times when you feel so distant and lost to me.
Had a look today to an old National Geographic and two things made me think of you. There was a photo essay about a young bull moose in Denali that was wounded, and ultimately killed, by a pack of wolves. There were several grizzlies and cubs that got involved and even ravens. I’ve just been sitting here looking at a photo of a faceoff between a raven and the moose. (I wish I had a scanner to take a copy of the photo.) You can see that the moose doesn’t comprehend his punishment – I think that moose and I have a lot in common.
The other thing was a photo taken in New Zealand of some snowy mountains reflected in a marsh. It’s beautiful because of the mountains, but not because of the photo – I know that you would have done so much better of a job of it.
I have to go see a specialist tomorrow and I don’t know what is going to happen. I had a sleep this afternoon and then spent some time reading and you felt really close to me then. Thank you for being with me. I also was thinking about the blanket that Clayton’s daughter made for you – where is it now, honey?
"Rough Boy" is playing and I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I listen to "Follow Me" and his voice becomes your voice.
It’s late and I haven’t had dinner yet. I made it ages ago but Wozza wasn’t here and I just didn’t get ‘round to it.
Stay happy, strong and free. All my love,
- Susan
Tuesday, 28 June 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:
Dearest Keith –
Another day of slow continual rain – excellent! The dams really need it and especially those farmers with livestock or crops.
I am completely perplexed about where you are, KD. Are you still forty-five and with your Grandpa (like I think you are) or are you a spirit going here and there or a quanta of pure energy or have you been reincarnated to someone or something else? I want to be with you no matter where you are. I want you to keep teaching me like you did; I want to spoil you like I did, just shower you with every wondrous, awesome thing. I really only have Rick and Graham to spoil and it’s not at all the same thing. But to Graham’s credit he does try to remind me to look after myself and to put me first some of the time.
The "Susan’s bad news of the day" for today is that when I drove into the gate at the University this morning Terry, the guard, said one of my tyres was nearly flat. I was just so disgusted and off put about the whole ‘fridge thing I didn’t take his suggestion to turn right around and go to a service station but left it until I got out of work and dealt with it then. It will be interesting to see how low it is in the morning.
Sorry, no Australian literature for you today. But there were rosellas when I got out of work and I also saw one of the large brown and black hares, too.
I miss you so very, very much and there are still tears most days. I thought that I’d be "over" that part of my grieving but I guess not yet. I just found you so warm and wonderful and funny and polite and talented and all those other things that I’ve said again and again. So I miss your positive effect on my life. I didn’t have you anywhere near enough, Grizz, and I’ll regret that for as long as I live. I know it (after, I’m sure, an initial period of bitter, bitter tears) will make me so happy and so thankful when I finally receive that package that you organised for me. The hat! The hat! I get the hat! I know I will sob when it arrives and it may even take a day or two for me to be able to open it and then more tears but then I’ll be positively delirious and over the moon about it! Really looking forward to it and really thankful that Don is going to take care of it for me. And talk about thankful – you were sick, honey, and you took the time out to organise that for me. A heartfelt thank you, Keith – I am ever mindful of all the things that you did for me and I always will remember you with so much love.
‘night, Keith – tell your Grandpa and Dad and Clayton that I think of you all.
- Susan
Monday, 27 June 2005 [10:30 p.m.]:
My Keith –
Well I’m back again already. Just wanted to tell you a couple of "Aussie" things. This morning when I drove into the gate at the University there were heaps of rainbow lorikeets making a racket – three gum trees were in flower and the birds were feasting on the nectar – and a lorikeet can’t do a thing without making a screeching comment about it (bet that’s how you feel about me sometimes!).
And then there’s this passage from Chapter 7 of "We of the Never Never":
Two wide-spreading, limpid ponds, the Warloch lay before us, veiled in a glory of golden-flecked heliotrope and purple water-lilies, and floating deep green leaves, with here and there gleaming little seas of water, opening out among the lilies, and standing knee-deep in the margins a rustling fringe of light reeds and giant bulrushes. All round the ponds stood dark groves of pandanus palms, and among and beyond the palms tall grasses and forest trees, with here and there a spreading coolibah festooned from summit to trunk with brilliant crimson strands of mistletoe, and here and there a gaunt dead old giant of the forest, and everywhere above and beyond the timber deep sunny blue and flooding sunshine. Sunny blue reflected, with the gaunt old trees, in the tiny gleaming seas among the lilies, while everywhere upon the floating leaves myriads and myriads of grey and pink ‘galah’ parrots and sulphur-crested cockatoos preened feathers, or rested, sipping at the water – grey and pink verging to heliotrope and snowy white, touched here and there with gold, blending, flower-like, with the golden-flecked glory of the lilies.
For a moment we waited, spell-bound in the brilliant sunshine; then, the dogs running down to the water’s edge, the galahs and cockatoos rose with gorgeous sunrise effect: a floating grey-and-pink cloud, backed by sunlit flashing white. Direct to the forest they floated and, settling there in their myriads, as by a miracle the gaunt, gnarled old giants of the bush all over blossomed with garlands of grey, and pink, and white, and gold.
Goodnight, sweetheart – I don’t know why but whenever I see symbols of our Australian bush I always think of you. Maybe it’s because you loved nature so and were always so keen to explore and experience new things – like the jacaranda trees you grew to love. Love you –
- S.
Keith's picture [wearing my hat!!! ;-) ] with the wooden grizzly toy. In the background is my little dragon figurine and a slipcased volume of LotR. That picture of Keith was taken on 3 June 2004 and the cub was two days old.
Monday, 27 June 2005 [7:15 p.m.]:
KD –
I just found my little grizzly statue while looking for something else – I suppose it’s really a child’s wooden toy and not a statue. It made me think of that photo of you where you shot the bear from the boat. I don’t think I’ve told you about it so here goes. I bought it in either Wrangell or Sitka Alaska in the summer of 1980 when I was working up there. It’s unfinished and carved out of pine. There is a carved grizzly and when you push the button at the back he pulls a large fish up onto land. Very clever and very nicely done – I will have to take a photo of it and post it. I should have sent it to you, I’m sure you would have liked it very much. Oh, yeah, it says "Made in U.S.S.R." on the bottom. A grizzly for my Grizz. Oh, that reminds me, a couple in their 50s and 60s were both killed in their tent in Alaska by a grizzly yesterday. They never even got a shot off from their rifle.
I don’t know why but the lines of a very sad Henry Lawson poem have been going through my head lately. I hope it isn’t so.
Past Carin’ by Henry Lawson (excerpt)
‘Twas ten years first, then came the worst,
All for a barren clearin’.
I thought, I thought my heart would burst
When first my man went shearin’;
He’s drovin’ in the great North-west,
I don’t know how he’s farin’;
And I, the one that loved him best,
Have grown to be past carin’,
I’ve grown to be past carin’,
Past waitin’ and past wearin’:
The girl that waited long ago
Has lived to be past carin’.
Please, please, please, Keith, please don’t leave me. Missing you.
- Susan
early Monday morning, 27 June 2005 [2:00 a.m.]:
My dearest, dearest friend.
Ya’, it is late but I didn’t want to go to bed without saying hello to you. Went to the Library today and took back the DVD of "We of the Never Never" and got it out on VHS. (That just made me wonder what you did with that copy of "Two Brothers" if you gave it to that boy you knew that liked tigers so - you never did say and I was too polite, I guess, to ask. You were a funny old thing sometimes.)
Graham, to his credit, seems to cope with the idea of you and that’s a welcome change. Even Rick was jealous of you; such a silly, wasted emotion and especially so under the circumstances.
Lots of things seem to be crashing around me at the moment but I am, just barely, hanging on. I am going to try to go back to the gym this week and also to start back at the scrapbooking place. And I had better get busy with the painting I’m entering in the contest. I got a hooded denim jacket out of layby (layaway) today – it’s for the trip in November. Have to get my winter stuff together now ‘cuz there won’t be a thing available in October when I’ll need it.
You neat freak – you’d flip out if you saw our kitchen ATM. Stuff everywhere – Steve, our neighbour, has loaned us a portable chest freezer and we’re freezing water in it to put in the esky as our ‘fridge and the freezer as the (ta-dum!) freezer. I cannot believe that I am trying to save money for my ticket and expenses and all these things keep happening.
Anyway, hon, I’ve got to go to bed. I know I cry a lot but there are happy times, too – come and visit me then, OK? I love you and I know how much poorer the world is without you in it.
- Susan
Saturday night, 25 June 2005 [10:30 p.m.]:
Grizz –
I am going to bed – the earliest in many, many months. Like your stars in the sky, there are bright points of light in my life but they are too few and shine out from a background of deep, deep blue.
I miss you. "Kia kaha".
- Tiger Woman
Friday, 24 June 2005 [11:15 p.m.]:
Keith –
How are you, very best buddy? I think about you all the time and keep wondering how (and where) you are. I miss you so much.
I can’t talk long, it’s absolutely freezing in here – looking forward to hopping in the waterbed and having the heater keep me warm. But we’ve had some rain – don’t think that it’s enough yet to be a drought-breaker but at least it’s something. Sure hope the farmers and graziers are getting some of this rain.
Things are not going well ATM – my watch broke on Saturday night and isn’t repairable, got the letter from Paul that I didn’t want to hear, ‘fridge broke down on Wednesday (birthday), had a big medical emergency Wednesday and yesterday so I had to have two (painful and messy) ultrasounds today, the "repairs" that appliance person made to ‘fridge resulted in blowing two of the three house circuits last night so I lost all the meat and ice cream that I had in the freezer (I have spent hours trying to cook the stuff up so I can keep it longer). Anyway, I have to have a Pap smear as soon as the bleeding stops and you know, KD, what I’m thinking? Good – cervical cancer – now I get to go see Keith. It’s entirely pathetic but it’s how I partly feel. It looks like it probably isn’t cancer but they don’t know what it is. It’s like a tragic movie – you die, some months later I die. Sad ending. But wait! How will I bring you your jacarandas if I get so sick? OK, that settles it – no, I don’t want cancer, at least now would be inconvenient.
I am reading this and I sound insane. Maybe I am, who knows. I do know that I can’t handle the number of setbacks and disappointments that I have had over the last couple of years. You were the best, best thing of my whole life, Keith, and you got taken before we had even begun. Add on top of that all the other pain and losses and it is just too much to bear. So you get me saying things like "I have seen all the beautiful things there are to see in the world, please, God, can I just go and see Keith now?". Scary but true. You wanted me to be more positive and I can’t quite figure it out but I’m sure that this is not what you meant.
All the disappointing and hurtful days plod on – are you testing me? Only my love for you stays constant.
- Susan
Thursday night, 23 June 2005 [7:00 p.m.]:
Hey, Fat Fingers!
Honey, I used to feel sad when I’d look at some of your pictures and see how badly you bit your fingernails. It’s a stress-related problem, honey, and sometimes can be related to problems with self-esteem. (Like you’re a Psych. graduate and I’m telling you this? Not to mention the fact that I keep teasing you, like calling you F.F. like I did here.) You’re a funny old thing, you know – you were so fantastic and larger than life and yet sometimes you came across like you had to impress me and prove to me that you were worth it. I found your first letter astonishing and you never had to prove a thing to me, ever. The sweetest, most delightful man I ever met and now you’re gone. But the positive thing (the things that you want me to focus on) is that you’ve helped me change my opinion of myself for the better. And I can’t but help think of that every day.
On top of breaking my watch and the Uni screwing up my pay, our refrigerator died yesterday (and I had the freezer filled with meat). Guy came today to fix it and it was $160 (and the only part that he put in was duct tape!). Damn it, that comes straight out of the "Susan Goes to Canada in November" fund. ;-( .
The moon was so beautiful last night for my birthday! Huge, round and silver and sailing above the clouds. She looked like the Queen of the Night. Reminds me of some lyrics by the Moody Blues:
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night,
removes the colours from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white,
but we decide which is right.
I don’t think the moon is cold-hearted at all – but then I wouldn’t, it’s sort of one of my astrological signs.
Do you remember that I said I got out the DVD "We of the Never Never" from the Library? Well, I have it in hardback and I think that I am going to go have a bit of a read of it since I can’t get it to play.
I might write you later tonight, honey. I hope you are as happy as it’s possible to be. Love –
- S.
Tuesday, 21 June 2005 [10:30 p.m.]:
Hey, there, Grizz!
A pleasant day today! One of the lecturers (Edwina – she was in one of my graduation photos that I sent you) came to my office and asked me to come up to the lunchroom. And when I got there, there were most of the staff and profiteroles and Mars bars and other chocolaty stuff all for my birthday tomorrow since I’m not working then. That was really sweet of them and, I must admit, they were the best profiteroles I’ve had in years. Even later in the day some of the lecturers who weren’t there earlier came up and said "Happy Birthday" and it was really, really nice. (Besides there was a huge sulfur-crested cockatoo outside the window – a birthday bonus!)
Graham is coming over tomorrow evening to celebrate my birthday – not sure what we’ll do, Wozza has his kung fu tomorrow night so it won’t be a family dinner event.
Tomorrow I’ll be fifty-five and, as I’ve said before, you are permanently stuck at forty-five and I’ll just get older and older and you’ll be forever stuck in the prime of your life. Oh, how I miss your life! Honey, it’s late June and you should be flyfishing, beer-guzzling and charging about on motorcycles and jet boats! Thank God I should be getting a whole pay this Thursday and can finally (I hope) put some money aside for the trip.
Honey, I am going to go and change into something a bit warmer as it’s a bit nippy in here tonight.
Hey, what did you think of that beautiful full moon tonight! Gorgeous, eh? Anyway, honey, all my love to you. I was thinking of Clayton’s daughter’s blanket today for some reason. I wish he would come and let me know what is in his mind.
Love, always, my Grizz….
- Tiger Woman
Eastern Rosellas - they're seen often on our University Campus.
Monday night, 20 June 2005 [10:45 p.m.]:
Hello, my good friend.
Today has been, I must say, a little weird. Maybe it’s the moon which is only one day off of being full.
Snivelly over Paul [he wrote last night at the exceptionally late hour (for him) of a quarter to one] and not completely understanding where he is coming from. Then there is Graham – he is so sweet and so honest and we’ve had some of the best talks. A very pleasant surprise I must say.
So there’s all this stuff going on and then there’s you. Still there are tears every day. But then there are times like this – I was walking through S Block to take a message to the Biomedical Sciences department and this feeling of thankfulness for you just washed over me like a wave. Crash! And I feel so grounded, so special, so invincible and all because of you. I tried so hard to please you and anticipate your every need but I doubt very much that I helped and aided you as much as you did (and do) me. I really don’t think you had any real idea of just how special you were and are. And here all of us are that love you – condemned to live without you.
My dearest, dearest friend – I miss you so. I don’t want to live to be an old lady because that will be like a prison sentence to live so many years without you. There were three pairs of rosellas at Uni today when I left after work. And I thought, you know, I’ve seen it all, I’ve seen everything that I want to see – Leningrad, the first time I saw Warwick’s face, the Great Barrier Reef, my mother, the temples of Thailand, even the first time I really understood calculus – now all that’s left is to see your face again. In some ways it is so pointless to go on living when, really, I just want to be with, or at least near, you.
Don’t worry, sweetheart, I don’t say these things to upset or trouble you. Only to let you know how I am feeling after all these months. I thought that by now I’d be doing better – after all, I’ve taken up the gym, painting, scrapbooking and dating again – and I thought that these distractions would take the focus off you and give us both some peace.
A New Zealander closed a letter to me with these Maori words: "Kia kaha" ("Stay strong"). Strong, free and happy, OK? Love –
- Susan
My totem - the pelican. Along with the number seven, one of my good luck charms.
Sunday evening, 19 June 2005 [11:15 p.m.]:
Hey, there, my Grizz.
I saw the most amazing, majestic, beautiful thing today! Now understand, if I were an Aboriginal, my totem would be the sea turtle and the pelican. And today, coming back from Parramatta, I saw the most beautiful thing – nine huge black and grey pelicans floating and gliding over Granville. It was so beautiful that I had to pull the car over to the kerb and just watch. They are very lucky for me and, in typical Susan fashion, I did get a bit weepy with just the wonder of seeing them. I don’t think I’ve seen one since we lived in Rosehill – at least two years ago. Just think – nine pelicans, nine times lucky.
Well, it wouldn’t seem like such a lucky day – I got my "walking papers" from Paul, who, given the time and space he needed to think over the bundle of baggage that is me, decided he couldn’t handle the mix and has retired to the hinterlands. I think he’s probably made a mistake but he has to wear it. You gave me that much, Keith, a belief in myself, that I matter, that I’m worth it. So while I’m going to miss Paul (I liked him and his family very much) he’s the one missing out, not me.
Went to the Parramatta Library today and brought home a small haul of books and magazines and an Australian classic movie ("We of the Never Never") on DVD that nothing that Wozza and I did could get it to play, on the TV or on the PC. Damn. Got a couple of books on grief that were recommended to me ‘cuz really, honey, this is all just over the top and I am missing you far too much. Well then, who knows – they say everyone’s grief journey is different and we know that this isn’t just about you. And it doesn’t help that I am about the world’s biggest wuss and get so wounded over things. But you were a treasure, Keith, an absolute treasure and it’s not surprising I’d miss something so wonderful in my life. Our time was so very short and, as I said before, everything that could go wrong did. You will remain, I think, for all my life, the second most important person in my world and so I hold you so closely to me. Thank God Don is looking after your package and I know I will, eventually, receive it. I know when it comes I’ll just cling to it and sob because that will be my proof that you are really gone. I know that it will, after wanting it for so long, be hard to open because by opening it I will, in a way, be accepting your death and even in a strange way taking part in it. Oh, honey, I miss you so and want so badly to have you back. Everywhere a flood of tears – on my face, my glasses, the keyboard, your picture, the sheets, my clothes. I want them to stop, I don’t want to love you any less, but I want them to stop.
But every day, in spite of the tears, there is joy and there is thankfulness - you were so very good to me and in so many ways.
Goodnight, KD, thank you for the starlight. Thank you for showing me what a real man is like.
- S.
early Sunday morning, 19 June 2005 [1:15 a.m.]:
My handsome Canuck.
I miss you so very much at this moment, in spite of everything that’s been going on lately. I’m afraid that I’m always going to miss you, honey, and that the hole that’s been left in my heart will never be completely filled.
This afternoon I went out with a lovely bloke named Graham who is 49. He’s straight up honest and a very caring person. He’s sort of in a situation in his life ATM so I’m not sure how much I’ll see of him but he’s very nice and I’m glad that we met. By way of being honest myself, I did tell him a bit about your place in my life.
I am being completely truthful when I tell you that you are with me every moment of the day. You mean so much to me and you, you great big softie, did so much for me I can’t not. There you were – the most manly of men (if I can put it that way) – and, at the same time, so very sweet, so very polite, so very caring. I will never understand why none of the things that we tried to do ever worked out, starting with our trip to Korea. But I promise that I will show you those jacarandas and I am so sorry that I can’t show them to you here in Australia in November like we planned. You’ll have to wait until I come and somehow find that pilot and I will show you them by the armloads.
I will write you again tomorrow – stay safe, well and happy. I hope that my loving you is a positive thing for you. I accept it if it’s the case that you don’t love me as Don said. But, hon, I know what you said and I know what you did and I think that in some ways you did. No, I know that you did. Don isn’t comfortable with that and that’s certainly his right and I, after all, don’t know what you said to him or when. I know you never, ever lied to me and I never lied to you (except for that time during our first ‘phone call when I acted as if nothing was bothering me) and I’m sure you never lied to Don, either.
You know, I would really love to sit down with Don and have a long, honest talk with him. I have a lot of questions (probably some of which he would say were not my business) and I’d like for him to tell me why he feels the way he does. I’d also dearly love it if he would tell me about your last night and also some of the stories of the times you guys had together – hunting and looking up at the stars. I’d really like a photo of you and Don together, too – I think that the album is sort of missing something without it. I really like, care for and respect him and I think that he thinks that I have completely lost the plot and, worse, am not a very nice person. Ouch, that hurts but I think that’s where he’s at and I just have to wear it.
Honey, it’s late, it’s almost 2 a.m. and I have to take care of some things in the kitchen before I can get ready for bed. I’m freezing and if I wasn’t wearing my really good jeans I think I’d probably get in bed fully dressed – LOL! Time to crank up the heater on the waterbed! (BTW – I got another pair of jeans today because I just keep losing weight and I could take off my knock around jeans without unzipping or unbuttoning them! Anyway, I’ve dropped another size and it feels good.) Still using the asthma puffer and haven’t been back to the gym (I miss it!) and haven’t been to the scrapbooking place either.
Anyway, honey, bask in the love, OK? And I’m sure your daughter is sending you heaps, too, so just enjoy. [HUG]
- Susan
Friday, 17 June 2005 [1:45 p.m.]:
Grizz.
Paul is right. The swelling violins in "Nothing Else Matters" (Metallica S&M) are absolutely fabulous. I love the lyrics, too. So much of it reminds me of you, KD (Paul, too, of course). But then, what doesn't remind me of you?
- S.
P.S.: It hurts so much being swept away from everything - in addition to my tears I feel physically bruised and hurting inside. You were swept away from me so cruelly and the pain is always fresh and raw. And part of me doesn’t seem to know or accept that you can’t come back from where you are. I’d make a pact with God or the devil if I could. I think that when your package for me finally arrives that stubborn part of my brain and my heart that doesn't completely believe that you're gone will start, with much sadness, to believe it.
midday Friday, 17 June 2005 [12:15 p.m.]:
Good morning, my Keith.
How beautiful it is again this morning! The stained glass windows are sparkling and the sun on the poinsettia is a riot of intense red.
My cold’s better and I’ve been a lazy slob and stayed in bed late to give it a chance. The asthma puffer thing has been great.
I have concerning news – Warwick didn’t get home until 11:30 p.m. and gave the following story as to why he was so late. He said he got on the train in the City and in the section he was sitting there was a drunk guy hassling everybody. When the man saw Warwick watching him he came over and started trying to pick an argument. One thing led to another and the man attacked Wozza and Warwick stood up and laid into him and used his kung fu training on the man. Result? Man knocked unconscious, bleeding from head, taken to local hospital and Warwick (and other witnesses) detained for three hours at a train station. I forgot to ask Wozza if the police took a blood alcohol reading from him. He’s scared on two counts – is man all right and will he (Warwick) be charged; and happy that he was able to keep from being beaten. He didn’t understand my point at all that what he should have done when the man kept pestering him is to have moved to the train carriage where the guards were located. Warwick also said that lots of people on the train could see what was happening but no one tried to step in and help. That doesn’t surprise me at all – this is Sydney and it’s a city where it’s sort of every man or woman for him/herself. I keep trying to think what you would say to him, Keith; it’s hard for me trying to be both father and mother to him and I have done it for so long. I am looking forward to the time when he goes to his Dad’s to live ‘cuz I need a break from all this.
Last night was a night of dreams (and I usually never remember any!). In one Warwick was dating an Islamic girl and I had to be their chaperone and follow them around everywhere. In another, I couldn’t find any underwear to wear and was running around pantless looking for my G-strings – LOL! Can’t remember the third one at the moment. Grizz, I never dream about you anymore. I’ve seen you and heard you here in RL but never in dreams. But that’s not surprising, I guess, because last night was the first night in many, many months that I’ve remembered any dreams at all. I know that I have this deeply entrenched image of you, Clayton, your Grandpa and Dad in a wooded clearing by a stream and I am pretty sure it must be so where you are as I see it so clearly in my mind and I have for so long.
I seem so depressed the last couple of days and am so emotional. I think the reasons are you + Paul + Warwick + the cold & antibiotics. And the fact that I’m not doing my regular activities (the gym and scrapbooking and painting). How awful to have such a completely gorgeous day outside and to feel so down in the dumps. I am trying, honey, to be more positive like you wanted, I am.
I’m going to go, hang out the laundry and do some grocery shopping. Good grief, I’ve just noticed that I haven’t put any music on yet this morning!
I miss you, my honey, I miss everything about you. "We’ll get together when we can."
- Susan
Thursday night, 16 June 2005 [9:45 p.m.]:
Hey, there, Grizz.
I kept thinking that I saw you out of the corner of my eye today – when I’d turn my head to look there was nothing there. Happened a few times.
I called Susan this morning to check on the album pages and she had bad news. She is having her gall bladder out next week and, worse news, her sister, Jane, who had breast cancer years ago now has disseminated disease. At first Susan said "bone cancer" and I’m thinking "bone cancer" and then the penny dropped and I realised that she meant metastases from the breast cancer. She has it in so many places that they aren’t even offering her chemo or radiotherapy. Sh*t.
Warwick has me entirely PO-ed. I asked him this morning as I was leaving for work to put the clean dishes away, wash the dirty ones and clean out the old stuff in the ‘fridge. I get home and he’s not here and has done nothing. In fact, it’s almost ten and he hasn’t appeared for dinner. He’ll come in hungry and expect a hot dinner all laid out for him but it sure isn’t going to happen tonight. He hasn’t even rung! I got him to mow the grass the other day and he put the clippings on top of some little plants that I was trying to grow (about two feet deep on top of them). When I reminded him that I didn’t want clipping there, he said "Get over it!" (and he left them there and tonight I had to try to remove the grass but I don’t think that the plants will make it). He has absolutely no respect for other people’s property. Usually when he eats dinner he gets up when he’s done and puts his plate in the sink and just leaves without a word – no thank you, nothing. Oh, Keith, you were so good with him and he liked you and was looking forward to going hunting with you – I wish you could talk to him like you used to do. I used to wonder what the deal was with your Craig when you were so good with Wozza. Stupid, stupid boys.
That got me crying – I hadn’t thought about you Messaging and talking to Warwick in a long time. You were always so sweet, it just makes me miss you more. So special, honey, such a treasure.
I could barely drag myself into work this morning – I was just dreading it and I don’t know why. Jill saw your "East Arm" photo on my desktop today and liked it. I told her that you couldn’t decide if you liked it or the "KisaWater" photo best. I told her about November and she’s glad that I’m going over. I know it’s something that I need to do.
I’m playing Metallica’s S&M "Nothing Else Matters" over and over. I think that I might be trying to desensitise myself to it. "Couldn't be much more from the heart, forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters…. So close, no matter how far, couldn't be much more from the heart". Dunno why, but I just thought about Don and his view on our relationship. Really, honey, it’s OK if you didn’t love me "romantically" – I don’t really see the need to categorise it anyway and there was so much love there between us no matter what kind of love it was. You told me you loved me. I believe you. And I know you know, and have known for a very long time, that I love you. As Metallica say "nothing else matters". Truly, it doesn’t.
OK, honey, no more blog for me tonight. Smile down on me and send me some of your love. Right now I really need it. Take care, Keith.
- Susan
Thursday morning, 16 June 2005 [8:45 a.m.]:
Keith.
It seemed that during the night that I could hear you here in the house, wandering around like a ghost. It reminded me of an animal trapped in a place he did not know, looking for a way to get out. You didn’t come near me, you didn’t touch me – in fact you barely even stepped into the bedroom. Is it because you want to break free, Grizz? Because you don’t want to be tied here any more? You know that whatever you ever want from me you shall always have so you have to let me know so I can understand and not guess at what you want.
My prayers and thoughts are with Paul and his brother, Matt, this morning. Paul has an interview about a work-related injury and Matt sails out of our beautiful harbour (on a glisteningly beautiful day) on the first leg of his round-the-world trip. Bon voyage, Matt!
I have to go – I’m already going to be late for work (again). Miss your presence in my life. Love –
- S.
Wednesday, 15 June 2005 [6:00 p.m.]:
Hullo, KD.
Today has been a bit of an odd day. I stayed in bed until late and didn’t get to work until 1:30 p.m. I only worked three hours and came back home again. Cold definitely feels better and I think that the asthma puffer thing is working.
Had a nice thing and a crappy thing happen when I got home…
First – I picked up Vernita’s painting from the Post Office and it is really cute. I like the colours, I like the way the oil paint blends together, I like the way it looks and I especially like the fact that, through this blog, I’ve gotten to know the artist. Thank you, Vernita.
Then I got some bad news via email from Paul. I’m knocked off kilter by it and it wasn’t anticipated. Again I am made to feel that I am "too" honest – I don’t believe in degrees of honesty (‘member that "Red-Lined on the Honesty Meter" post I made about you in January?) – you either are or you aren’t. Me, I am and it gets me into strife all the time. Paul said he’d ring at eight tonight but I’m pretty sure he won’t. Doubt he’s got the b*lls, really.
OK, as to you and Don. I’ve been thinking, thinking, thinking about what Don said. He thinks I’ve been horrible about the family – I think he probably hasn’t read all my posts, specifically the early ones where I go on and on about them (nicely) – and it’s pretty unlikely he’d be able to see it through my eyes. So Don will just have to go on believing what he does and I will just have to wear it.
As to Don and his opinion about our relationship: "i do know that the love that you refer to in your b(l)og was only as a friend from Keith's way of thinking and not romantic in any way." Well, honey, that is entirely possible. You said that no one else could love me more than you did – was that romantic love or not? I took it to be so. That was on the 7th of February – did you talk to Don after then and tell him you didn’t? I’m pretty sure (as I’ve said before) that Don was one of the friends that you spoke to (I think on the 8th Canadian time) about not wanting me to come over. You always said that you didn’t want me to come for two reasons: so I would remember you like you looked when you were well and so I wouldn’t grieve for you like you did for your father.
And what’s this bit "only as a friend"? Keith – to be your friend was something special, it went way beyond the normal definition of friendship. It’s something that I am very honoured by and very proud of.
So – was it romantic love or not? You’ll have to let me know, Keith. I believe in my heart that it was, at least partly, so. I think that there was a lot going on that Don may not have been aware of (and I can guess that there was a lot going on that I’m not aware of). He was so surprised by my gift of your star, for instance. How many other things were there that he didn’t know about? Did he know that from mid-January, except for the times away (Mexico and Vancouver), to 8th February you spoke to me by ‘phone or Messenger every night? Does he know about the nights after Ken gave you your injection and Ken had fallen asleep that you, unable to sleep, would ring or Messenger me again? We were very close, KD. I don’t know if you loved me "romantically" or not – I just accepted everything that you said at the time and tried not to over-analyse it. I let you be you and I let our relationship be what it was since it seemed to serve us both so well. I’m sorry if I read into it something that wasn’t there. And now, in hindsight, and in missing you so very much, I am afraid that I have over-analysed it. OK, Mr. Fat-Fingers that I love so much, have it whatever way you wanted. You always, except for your health, seemed to get your own way, didn’t you (and I say that without a hint of animosity.)? How I’m going to know, I’ve got no idea. Maybe when your package comes there will be something there to let me know. And there’s my trip to BC in November to say goodbye to your scattered, broken ashes – maybe after that I will be able to pick up the scattered, broken pieces of me and my heart. And go on. Somehow to go on.
I hope all the love that I have for you reflects off that perfect star and bathes you with its warmth and light. Be free and happy, love, even if it means to be free of me.
- always your Susan
Here's this Aussie/Yank with attitude - I call this my "Bring It On" photo - LOL!
Tuesday night, 14 June 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:
Hey ya’, Keith.
Hi, hon, how are you doing? It sure was great to walk in the office today and see your pictures on the wall and the Quesnel Lake photo as my wallpaper. It just sort of calms me down and steadies me when I look at them. Thank you for sharing so much with me.
Had to leave work early and go to the doctor and she gave me a second round of antibiotics and prescribed a puffer as well. She reckons that my lungs have sort of spasmed and I can’t cough properly. I sound pretty dreadful. It’s amazing – I haven’t been sick like this in years. And I hate not being able to go to the gym.
Oh, honey! I got my first portrait today and I so wish that I could show it to you! I think that I might post it with this but it’s you that I really want to see it. Oh, honey, we missed out on so much!
Got all this stuff from Don running around in my head and sometimes I just don’t know what to think. Well, I might not know what my head’s to think, but I know for sure what my heart feels. And you do, too. Yup, I know you do, too.
Goodnight, honey. Here’s a big hug [HUG] and if you’ve got any spare ones, I’d really like one from you. Miss you, darling.
- Susan
Monday night, 13 June 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:
Honey…
Just had a horrible thought – in a couple of days it will be my birthday and from here on out I will just get older and older than you. There you are permanently stuck at 45 – and that reminds me of a poem they say here on ANZAC Day, let me see if I can find it on Google.
Excerpt from "For the Fallen" by Laurence Binyon:
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
No, honey, no growing old for you, you have already suffered enough. And you know that I think of you at all times of the day and night and I always will.
Today was all artsy-crafty. I’m working on a painting as one of my entries into a painting competition and I got most of the background painted. It’s sort of in the Aboriginal style. (You should see all the tubes of paint and brushes on my desk!) Then I did a bit of work on your album. I’m working on the "Skiing & Sledding" pages – two pics from Big White on Christmas ’98 and one Ski-doo pic from Christmas ’97. I’m using five different papers in sort of a dusky blueberry blue. Looks nice.
Time for sleep – back at work tomorrow and I still have a bit of a cold in my chest and sinus. Yuck.
Lovin’ you, Keith –
- Susan
Sunday, 12 June 2005 [10:15 p.m.]:
Hey, there, my honey.
It was four months ago today that you died and it’s been a bit of a hard day. I feel cheated (to have lost you so soon) and misunderstood (Don and family don’t know me at all and, hence, don’t seem to like me at all). I guess it doesn’t really matter that they don’t but I would like it if they did.
In spite of a small crowd to cheer him on, Dorry (from the gym) didn’t pass into the grand final of the singing competition. That’s a shame, he’s a real likeable guy. Everybody had a good time together but I was amazed at the number of Smirnoff Ice and vodka and lime that some managed to drink. Remind me of anyone, hmmm?
Struggling with my CD-R and the printer that Paul has loaned me. Was going to burn a CD of some music for Paul’s brother, Matt, to take on the boat (doesn’t recognise when a blank CD is in) and having a b*tch of a time installing the printer drivers. Bugger! I have font samples I wanted to print out to use for the journaling for your album.
Honey, I am going to cut it short tonight ‘cuz I am a bit down. An early night for a change would be a good thing.
You take care, sweetheart, and enjoy yourself. It’s hard for me on days like this and I wish you’d come and be near me. Lovin’ and missin’ you for four long months now….
- S.
early morning Sunday 12 June 2005 [2:20 a.m.]:
Hi, honey, it’s me.
It’s late and I just now got home. Went to a Moroccan restaurant with Paul, two of his brothers and one of the brother’s girlfriend. It was fun and nice to be in a family group – there was lots of teasing, etc. going on and I enjoyed myself immensely. I took the train into the north side of the city and Paul had a taxi pick me up at the nearest train station and drop me off at his brother’s place and we all walked to the restaurant. It’s sort of a special weekend as one of the brothers, Matt, leaves on his sailboat this week as soon as the winds pick up.
Afterwards, Paul drove me all the way back to Auburn and we went to a Turkish kebab house for coffee. I had told Paul that there were some things that I wanted to tell him and I wound up telling him, very briefly, about you. To be fair to him I just had to say something.
Anyway, it’s really late and I’m going to hop into bed. Tomorrow is the singing comp. with the guy from the gym that we are all cheering on. Should be fun.
Enjoy yourself, honey. I miss you. Love –
- Susan
Friday, 10 June 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:
Hey there, you!
I thought about you again all day (as per usual) and heaps about Don, too. Got to hand it to him – even though I don’t think that he likes me very much he’s definitely doing the right thing by me and I appreciate it. I’m really glad that, in spite of his hectic work schedule, he was able to be with you at the end and reminisce about old times, tell stories and laugh with you. I wish that I could have been there, too.
I feel like I owe a big apology first of all to Colleen – honey, right from the start you said that she was your "ex" and I assumed that you meant divorced. But you never explained and I never asked. So when months had rolled by and no package I assumed that Colleen was just separated from you, had taken it and decided that I had no right to it. So I got pissed. I'm sorry.
As for Alison – at first it felt almost as if she was my sister. You know all the nice things that I said about her and about your nieces and nephews. That embroidery that she did for you blew me away so of course I loved her. But when you died and she didn’t ring me as you promised and the package never came and "the family" got pissed – I got pissed too. Grizz, it is so hard grieving for you all alone. There they are all together and what do I have with you gone? No way to say goodbye, no way to relive memories. Only with myself, only by going ‘round and ‘round in my head (and in my heart). I don’t think Don or any of them (or even you until now when you see me and what I’m going through) have any idea what it’s like for me with nothing but a big hole where you used to be. Don reckons I should get a life (he didn’t put it that way but I got the drift). Anyway, I’m sorry, Alison, I don’t pretend to understand you at all but I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, even if you didn’t know about it. (And I think your house looks real cute in the pictures.)
Now, hon, I’ve got to go. I know you’re just a heartbeat away and that always makes me feel safe. I just regret that I’ve lost Don’s respect and I think it’s unlikely that I’ll ever regain it. See what you can do, good buddy. I love you and I don’t care what anybody thinks about it….
- Tiger Woman
Thursday, 9 June 2005 [6:30 p.m.]:
My Keith –
It was four months ago today that we last spoke on the ‘phone. It still seems like it was only moments ago – you were so happy, so well, so funny. I never really thought that it would be the last time (in this life) that I would ever speak to you.
I wonder if you know the following Metallica song from the S&M disk? I think you probably do. Paul got me listening to it; like Uncle Kracker, it's another song from a friend who has no idea how appropriate it might be.
Nothing Else Matters lyrics (Metallica)
So close, no matter how far - couldn't be much more from the heart.
Forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters.
Never opened myself this way. Life is ours; we live it our way.
All these words I don't just say and nothing else matters.
Trust I seek and I find in you - every day for us something new.
Open minds for a different view and nothing else matters.
Never cared for what they do, never cared for what they know -
but I know.
So close, no matter how far - couldn't be much more from the heart.
Forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters.
It is as it says – "so close, no matter how far – and nothing else matters".
Venus is beautiful tonight and the moon hides her face. The day was warm but the night will be cool.
I might write again tonight or maybe tomorrow. I need to apologise to Colleen and Alison (and to you) and I have to think about it first. Oh, an apology to Don wouldn’t hurt either.
Have a good time where you are, Grizz. Help me to be the person you want me to be, the person I should be. I need to be more like you and more like my mother.
"We’ll get together when we can" - at once a prayer and a promise.
- Susan
early Thursday morning, 9 June 2005: [12:00 midnight]:
Keith.
An amazing thing happened today – I received a reply from Don. I have had to read his letter several times and, no doubt, will have to read it several more times to really absorb it. Isn’t it amazing that when I finally get to the end of my rope and turn awful and nasty along comes Don’s letter. Wow, do I ever have some apologies to make!
Poor Don, he works way too hard, Keith. See if you can get him to take some time for himself. He is a nice man – straight up and honest – and I think he’s fantastic. He’s gone to some trouble over me and it is very much appreciated. I realise that he’s probably doing it for your sake and not mine but that’s fine. It’s clear that he loves you and I’m so glad you’ve got such lovely friends. So here, roughly, is what he had to say:
The parcel was returned! I am so unhappy with the Post Office – I have paid for a redirection for twelve months, plus I visited the Post Office twice and went over to the old house I don’t know how many times. That is so cruel of them to have sent it back and it just shows how uncaring some people can be. Anyway when Don goes next to Vancouver he is going to go get it and mail it himself. I appreciate that very much and I’m sure that you do, too. He was even concerned that it was "safe".
Don believes that I am obsessed with you (and I agree) and that you cared for me as "just" a friend and not romantically. Hmmm. Is that what you told him? When you told me that you loved me how am I meant to take it?
He says that you are divorced from Colleen and that I shouldn’t be cross with her, that she has nothing to do with any of it. He doesn’t like the way that I have been angry with "the family" but he doesn’t seem to be able to see things from my point of view and with my limited knowledge of some unwritten rules that I knew nothing about. Please understand – I did not know that I was not to have contact with anyone. Grizz, you never, ever told me that, I swear it (and, damn it, you know it, too). And, for God’s sake, I only ever got in touch with the Flyfishers Online Group!
Well, Don has been a great friend to you, Keith. He doesn’t at all understand or approve of where I am coming from but he has been great to me in spite of that. I wish that somehow I could return the favour but I have no idea how. Another sad thing – in all your hunting photos I only have one of you with Mario, all the rest are you alone. (It’s the fishing ones where you are with your clients or mates or whatever.) So, consequently I have no photo at all of Don or you two together and that’s a shame.
Well, I feel a bit chastised by Don’s comments but I am grateful that he is honest and so thankful that he is going to what is clearly trouble for him to get your package to me (I’m so grateful and excited all at once!).
There were some things that I wanted to talk to you about from this morning but, honey, I am so tired. I’ve been really sick with this cold – I even left work early – the instant I managed to mail out the last of the external exams to my students I left. And I’m not going back until Tuesday (this weekend is the Queen’s Birthday holiday so we all have Monday off). Maybe I’ll get a chance to talk to you about it tomorrow morning.
Anyway, a huge thank you to Don for his very great kindness to me!
And a huge thank you to you, Keith, for loving me the way you do – whether it’s romantic or not. I know what you said to me and when you said it and I have proof. But, really, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks – it’s about us and what we mean to each other. You are very, very close to me and you know how to contact me and let me know what you do and do not want. I just have to give you that space and be open to you and not put my interpretation on what you are saying but try to understand it from your point of view. Which is what I always try to do.
Anyway, hon, I’ll see you tomorrow. Be well and happy – we are (mostly) fine down here. [And I’m sooo excited about your package! ;-) ] Loving you (regardless of what anybody thinks) –
- your Susan
P.S.: Paul lives about as far from Sydney as 108 is from Abbotsford and he is coming up this weekend. He bought a historic old home and is doing it up and I might be going with him to look at doors and stained glass and stuff. And I'm going to be meeting some of his family as well - his brother, Matt, is leaving on his solo sailboat for a trip around Australia and then the world. Plus one of the guys from the gym is in the semi-finals of a singing competiition (with a prize of $30,000!!) so a bunch of us are going along on Sunday to support him. He's a great bloke and is getting engaged soon so he could really use the money.
Tuesday night, 7 June 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:
Hi, there honey, it’s your Susan.
Busy, busy day today and I had a hard time getting up and out of bed to get ready for work. I took two sleeping pills the night before ‘cuz no way was I going to have my second consecutive night with no sleep and they certainly worked!
I do miss you, honey, and it was hard to again check the mailbox and find nothing from Canada. There’s just this odd sensation of distance between us that I hadn’t felt until the other day and it has me confused and frightened and sad. I cannot believe that you would just leave, I really can’t. I don’t know what’s causing it – you or me or what? Please let me know what happening, sweetheart. The way that everything has been, when you put it all together, has made it very, very hard for me. You didn’t ring or message or email me to say goodbye, the package that you wanted for me was never sent, I never got to be a part of any ritual celebrating you (except the ones I made myself), Don or Ken or Alison never got back to me, I didn’t find out about your cremation until after it was done (and I don’t even know when it was) and none of my questions ever got answered. And, on top of it all, I got raked over the coals for doing things that I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do. Why is this the way that things are turning out? Didn’t I love you completely? Didn’t I bend over backwards trying to please you and meet your needs? Wasn’t I (until I had heaps of crap thrown at me) perfectly nice to all your friends and your family? You told me you loved me and I believed it – why else would you say such a thing if it wasn’t true – you had nothing to gain by saying it. But I’m worth it, honey, I deserve it, I’m good enough. Me, stupid old me who never, ever had anybody like you love me. And we had to lose it all to some goddamned rare fucking disease that made life hell for you and wound up breaking my heart. Yes, I’ve kept the first Promise I made to you – I now know that I am good, I am worthwhile, I do deserve a full and happy life. I’ll even go so far as to say that I deserve a life with you – that I was good to you, that I made you happy, that I tried at all times to do what was best for you. No, I’m not like Mrs. Five Star and I’m not like those other women you mentioned that you had in your life. I’m Susan and I loved you best. Not for very long but for the very best. "I don’t care how you look at me, because I am the one and you will see, we can make it work, we can make it by. So give me one more minute and I’ll tell you why, I’m a rough girl, I’m a rough girl."
Keith, there will always, always, always be a place for you in my life no matter how circumstances change. I’m not going to promise not to have another man in my life – I know you wouldn’t even want me to promise that. But even if I do, I will still want you near. And you know when I come to my end it will be your hand I will be looking for to help me across. I am telling you that I want you back in my life now and I want you to stay with me – I don’t want this distance between us. It serves no purpose other than to upset me and make it all that much harder. It’s your choice to be near me or not, it’s not something that I can make happen or not. And time is not the same for you as it is for me – you can visit your daughter or your Mum and I’d hardly even know that you were gone because when you finally decide to stay with me part of your spirit will always be with me.
Next week I’m going to see if I can track down a Sage hat like yours and order Clayton’s book from Amazon and I’m even going to try and get a purple "Bare" polar fleece shirt like yours. Oh, and I might see if I can get an "Action Animals" vest like you had – that one’s got me worried a bit ‘cuz I’m afraid somebody there might ring Colleen or Alison. Well, if truth be told, I couldn’t give a f*ck if they do – after all, I’m not the person who disobeyed you, am I? I haven’t totally given up on my package but it would be nice to have some of the things associated with you nearby. And when your stuff finally comes it won’t kill me to have two, will it?
Trust me and think about what you know in your heart (and in your mind) to be true. No one knows me better than you and only you know what is best for us both. You said that no one else could love me more than you did. I didn’t understand or completely accept that at the time but now I do, now I see and you are (as usual) right. I was a fool to ever have doubted you about anything but you were so amazing – it was a wild ride and you made me laugh so! You are the most delightful person I have ever met – I think that’s one of the things that I love the most about you: your playfulness, your sense of wonder, your enthusiasm.
Honey, I have to go. I have cried a million tears writing this but at the same time I am at peace and I am happy. Come be beside me as I make my way in this world that has lost so much with your passing. No matter what you decide, I will always love you. Ever yours –
- Susan
early morning Tuesday, 7 June 2005 [12:15 a.m.]:
My sweet, sweet man.
Honey, I am so tired and frazzled. I never slept a wink last night, in spite of taking a sleeping pill and some antihistamines. I’m sure I’ll sleep tonight.
You still seem far away from me and it’s awful. After being so close to you for all these months, it seems so strange. I have my memories and all our correspondence and all your beautiful photos but little else to hold on to. What happened seems so unfair (oh, yeah, as if there’s a just world out there somewhere) and I am having a hard time reconciling myself to it. "Everything works out for the best in this best of all possible worlds." – somehow I’m not convinced. I know I do not deserve what happened to me (or to you either, you poor man). But we did our best, honey, and I have to thank you for every treasured moment that you spent with me. And I, selfishly, don’t want them to ever end.
Please come back when you want to for you are sorely missed. Always, always yours –
- Susan
P.S.: I’ve been doing a little digging into PV research and there is a woman in South Australia who won a large grant from the leukemia organisation in the US and from the Australian Cancer Council. After a bit more reading I’m going to write her and sound out some research topics. Honey, I’m pretty proud of the fact that you asked me to do this for you and it is an honour. Again I have to thank you.
early Monday morning, 6 June 2005 [4:45 a.m.]:
My Grizz.
Honey, I can’t sleep. I’ve written Paul and then I’ve just been sitting here looking at the face closeup of you on 30 January with Kisa at Alison’s house. That horrible discolouration around your eyes has made me think of the times that you lost your vision – how awful for someone who relied so much on his senses to hunt. I remember at times trying to bolster you up when that happened and I know that it was very, very hard for you. I am so sorry, honey.
Please come back to me when you are ready, OK? In the meantime, enjoy yourself to the utmost – your biggest fan is down here cheering you on.
Limitless, unconditional love radiating out for you. How nice for me to be able to say "stay well" and know that you will.
It’s five a.m. and I have to go – I wish that I could be with you instead. Come whenever you have a mind to, you will always be welcomed and treasured.
- your Susan
Sunday night, 5 June 2005 [10:30 p.m.]:
Keith.
Here I am and it’s been another strange day with you keeping your distance. I sense you more today than I did yesterday but nothing like before. I have no idea what is happening – I wondered today if you had decided to return to Colleen and that’s why the vibrations coming from you seem so odd. It’s kind of sad for me but a bit of a relief at the same time. It hasn’t really changed anything as far as I am concerned – all my plans remain the same and all your Promises will be honoured. I’m hoping that you don’t decide to leave me but I guess I will understand if you do – I guess you’ve sort of got a prior claim on you and you always did find me a bit intense.
I love you heaps and I love you the best I can. Please come and let me know what is happening and I won’t feel so lost and excluded. You’re not angry because I’m writing Paul, are you? I wouldn’t have thought that you would be. In fact, I think that you’d sort of want me to and be glad that I am.
I feel totally crook from this cold so I’m going to go find something warm and yummy in the kitchen to eat and warm me up. Wish that you were out there just this second and were just about to call me to come out and have some of your elk stew.
I miss you, Grizz. All the time. Everyday. All my love –
- S.
early Sunday, 5 June 2005 [12 midnight]:
Keith.
Honey, today was a sad, strange day. I slept a lot because of the flu and I read a lot and I cried a lot, too.
I am reading a book called "One Breath Away" by a woman from Byron Bay (NSW) whose partner of seventeen years died in a car accident. It was very, very strange today – she keeps writing about how her partner, Kim, keeps contacting her and speaking to her – helping her to come to terms with his death. And the oddest thing has happened to me – I can’t feel you at all!!! Sweetie, please don’t leave me! I look at your ‘cub’ photo and I see your beautiful eyes and face, but all the warmth and love is gone. Same, but not to the same extent, with your photo with Kisa in front of Alison’s house. I see your beautiful (but so sick) face and it doesn’t feel the same. Is it me or is it you? Honey, don’t you want me to love you? Are you trying to leave me? Is this your way of telling me that you don’t want me to join you?
I wish I knew if you put a letter in the package that you tried to have sent to me. It would seem like you would have written something.
They are driving me nuts, I swear. Not a peep from Don and no parcel from Alison or Colleen and now you don’t feel close to me like you did. Maybe this is your way of trying to make it easier for me, honey. You always did exactly what you wanted, didn’t you? You were sweet and caring but belligerent all the same. It doesn’t bother me, though, I love you just as you are and I don’t care if you are a bit bull-headed at times. You know that I just adore you and I always will.
Honey, you know I’ve got this honesty thing going and I really think that if you’ve got something to say or there is something you would like to change, then you should contact me and let me know. I know when you’re here with me; I will be able to understand whatever it is that you are trying to tell me. I can take it, it’s better if you are honest and direct. I’d rather blunt honesty than you just pulling away from me without a word after we meant so much to each other.
A week before you died I gave you "permission" to leave and I remember telling you that I had. It’s funny but it’s almost as if after that you started to pull away and lay down your fight and gave in to the disease. And then I sent you that Valentine’s Day card that I don’t know if you ever received or not but anyone reading it would know it was a goodbye.
So I’ve said goodbye to you, Keith, but you’ve never really said goodbye to me. Please don’t leave me without saying goodbye – I couldn’t take it if you didn’t. Don’t just drift away without a word. I don’t want you to leave me at all, ever, but if that’s what you want you know I will always go along with your wishes.
Goodnight, my sweetheart –
- Susan
Friday night, 3 June 2005 [11:15 p.m.]:
Here I am again, Grizz.
The sky was inky tonight when I went out to bring in the laundry and while there weren’t many stars, the one’s that were there were exquisite. So, hello again, honey.
I haven’t been sick like I am with this cold in years. I went to work but it was just a crappy day all around. Graeme, one of the IT guys, was working on my PC and had all sorts of problems. Then I couldn’t restore either of my databases and I got almost nothing done. Finally threw in the towel and left at 3:30. Nice to get home before it got dark.
Picked up a couple of books on grieving at the Guildford library. One was recommended to me and it’s by a medium in the US (J. Van Praagh). Read the first 55 pages but haven’t really "gotten into it". The second book is by an Australian woman and it’s taken from her journal when her partner died. It reminds me a lot of what I am doing here – trying to process, accept and understand your death. Grizz, I miss you so and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I am so sorry if I am distressing you – please don’t worry, honey. Do what you can and want to do to help me but don’t worry – you deserve your own time. I’m adamant about that, honey; you were so, so sick and now I want you to enjoy yourself. You were always so good to everyone – you deserve to be good to yourself.
Try to communicate what you want me to do or not do – I know that you can. I know you believe in spirits and I know that you have already visited me several times. It’s OK to speak to me, honey, I won’t be frightened. You are very, very welcome here anytime. I’d like Clayton to come, too. Spirits don’t frighten me, Grizz, I’d be more afraid if I didn’t hear from you than if I did!
Honey, for the first time in years, I have a really bad cold. It’s a bit chilly and kinda late (well, not late for me usually but it is late when I’m sick) so I’m going to finish here.
Oh! Two things I wanted to tell you: last night I started researching centres that are working on PV for my Master’s and today I put up the East Arm/Quesnel Lake photo as my wallpaper. It was a bigger file and came up a lot better than the Spring salmon one that I had which was pixel-y.
So that’s it for tonight sweetheart. Send me a dream or come and be with us. I love you and miss you –
- Tiger Woman
Thursday night, 2 June 2005 [11:15 p.m.]:
Hello there, my much loved honey.
I am sorry that this is such a sad anniversary for your family. I’m sorry that I can’t be closer to them and be some sort of a help but they just don’t want any part of me so I’m locked out of it all.
Kind of a weird day today. I guess because I got so cold on Tuesday and then got a chill after I left the gym last night, I woke up with a bad cold. At first I didn’t have any voice at all - I was trying to tell one of the cats to stop scratching and nothing came out. Quite funny really. I had a hot cup of coffee (cures everything, right?) and went back to bed and wound up not calling into work until about eleven. Oops. Spent most of the day in bed and had cups of coffee and those cup-a-soup thingys during the day. Most of the time, I just snuggled up to your ‘cub’ picture and drifted in and out of sleep.
Got a call from one of the guys from last Friday night and he was completely mystified by your story – he simply cannot understand why I care so deeply for someone who I knew for so short a time. Anyway, I didn’t go to the karaoke thing that was planned. I have never been so I was a bit intrigued by it but it will just have to happen some other time.
Oh, I steeled myself and wrote Don today. Not too long of a letter and I specifically asked him NOT to contact your family right now ‘cuz of the anniversary of your Dad’s death. I will never understand it if he chooses not to ever contact me again. I feel as if I am being made to pay for some misdeed or inaction that I don’t even know that I have done or not done. Why, honey, why don’t they like me? Why do I have to be punished like this? If people think that this will make it easier or better for me, they are very, very wrong.
Remember how you told me that nobody could love me as much as you did? Well, I don’t believe that you have ever had anybody love you like or as much as I did. Nobody else probably believes, knows or cares but we know. I know you’ve been hurt by women in the past but you just need to let that fall away. They don’t matter anymore and you’re there with your Pop and Dad and Clayton. And even though I’m earthbound you can bask in the love that I have for you and know that I am here for you always. I know that I’m not going to "get over" you until I see you again and stand before you in heaven and then we can make up for all the time that we missed out on down here. So, as you said, "We’ll get together when we can".
I love you, sweetheart – June is probably a good month for flyfishing so enjoy. Come visit me soon.
- Susan
Finally caught up!
Well, with that post I have finally caught up posting all the blogs that I wrote while we were waiting for our connection to the internet to go through. I imagine that I will still be posting every day - nothing really has changed much: I continue to simultaneously celebrate and mourn the second-best person* I ever knew in my whole life. Keith is always a part of me and to experience me is to experience something of him. His Promises have not gone unheeded and for his love and care I will be forever grateful, both to him and to the Spirit that guides us all. When I sound down and discouraged, try to rejoice with me for a special life so well lived.- S.
*My mother was the nicest, sweetest person in the world. A pity that I'm not more like her.
Wednesday, 1 June 2005 [11:00 p.m.]:
Hey there, my honey.
When I went off to the gym tonight I stood at the back gate and looked and looked at the beautiful stars and thought about what you said about being with you that way. I sure wish that I could see Ursa Major, though. Oh, well, that will have to wait until November.
I saw Dr Ross again today. He says that because I think of you so much that I am at a danger of over-analysing you. He reckons that I should just hang on to my experiences and memories and not try to fret over everything that you said or wrote.
Oh, Keith, I miss you so. Ya’, I am so busy lately but it doesn’t seem to matter – every single moment I have, I have with you.
And now is such a bad time for all of us – you lost your Dad one year ago tomorrow and I really feel for Alison. You told me a couple of times how much you grieved for your Dad and now Alison has both of you to mourn. Ya’, I am pissed at her about the parcel but I still feel badly for her and your daughter. Even though you’re with your Dad and Grandpa now I have to say that I still feel sorry for you, too, honey, that you had to go through it last year. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you, honey, but I did the best I could. Thank you for loving me and for letting me know that I made you happy. That’s all I ever wanted, Keith: know that, OK?
I said that I would write Don tonight but I just can’t – it’s too late and I am too upset to write such a sensitive letter. Honey, he loved you and he’s been pretty good to me all up so I gotta love the dude, ya’ know?
Grizz, I’m going to go. I wonder if tonight will be like last night – I woke up four or five times in the night and it was the weirdest thing – it felt just like you were with me. I am surprised that I didn’t see you. As I’ve told you, I usually sleep all night like somebody unconscious but last night I kept waking up to sensations of you. Nice but a bit unsettling. It seemed different to those times that I have felt like you were here with us. Anyway, you’re welcome anytime, day or night, and the longer you want to stay, the better as far as I’m concerned.
Walk in the sunshine, sweetheart, and give your poor old Dad a hug from me. Always yours –
- Susan
Tuesday night, 31 May 2005 [10:30 p.m.]:
Hey, ya’, my Grizz!
Today was fun – did a photo shoot and took lots of clothes and jewellery along and it was good fun. Pity, though, none of the ones of me in those sexy jeans of mine turned out! ;-( Not enough light on the embroidery, what a pity. I was tempted, really tempted, to have some done in my sexiest lingerie but then I decided against it – I mean, who would I show them to? They are the sexiest bra and G-string (thong) I’ve ever seen but it’s not exactly the sort of thing you put up on your wall or post on Lavalife, now is it? But if you were still around, honey, you’d get treated to a ringside seat for sure. That’s something that I regret – that I didn’t send you enough pictures of me. You only got those fairly yucky ones of me at my graduation. I really have to wonder sometimes that if you could have had a better idea of how I looked that you might have thought differently about me coming over. I’m pretty sure that the picture of me that you had in your head didn’t match very well with the real me. Oh, well, you know what they say, "Life’s a bitch and then you marry one."
Tomorrow is D-Day. If I haven’t gotten anything from the Post Office or if Don hasn’t written by evening time, I am sorry to say that I am going to write him again. God, I hope he answers me. I can’t think why he wouldn’t. He said he’d reply around 21st April and here we are, almost June. Again, I have made up every excuse in the book as to why I haven’t heard from him… and it’s not like I can show up on his doorstep or give him a ring. Jeez, honey, you haven’t stage managed this very well, have you? I know you would have left us on the 12th firmly believing that someone would have respected your wishes and mailed that package for you, sadly your trust was unfounded, at least in this instance. And this is a hell of a time for Don to get in touch with "the family" since your Dad died on the second of June last year. There’s the dreaded "anniversary reaction" in grieving where the bereaved re-experience a lot of the feelings of grief all over again. Trust me, honey, I am not looking forward to January and February next year – I miss you so much now, what will it be like then?
I know I’ve been cast in the role of the "other woman" but when you said that Colleen was your "ex" I just accepted it as that. I didn’t try to steal you away – I thought you already were away. You never spoke about her much and when you did it was always negative (which is so unlike you). Honey, you really seemed like you had been hurt and you never explained. So I never worried and I never tread softly on these tiger paws. I didn’t meet you with a view to falling in love with you – it’s just something that happened. Neither of us planned it or gave it a second thought at the beginning. I mean you were in Canada and I was in Australia, for heaven’s sake! And I certainly never meant to hurt anyone – not you, not Colleen, not Alison. But it sure seems if somebody has their nose out of joint and if they are trying to hurt me, it’s working. If they are trying to drive a wedge between us they might as well not waste the energy – it will never, ever happen. I’m sure that you gathered that I am a very loyal person when we were together and that isn’t going to change. So here you are with this Aussie/Yank who is hopelessly in love with you and your whole damn family totally opposed (well, I guess I don’t know your daughter’s opinion). I would have loved to have been a mouse in the woodwork when you discussed my coming over in February ‘cuz I sure would like to hear the pros (if any! – LOL!) and cons that your friends came up with that day. Don could shed some light on this if he’d only make contact. He certainly has me perplexed, I must say.
Anyway, enough of this. Don’t worry about me, honey, I’ll get by, I will. Worry instead about your screwy family – every thing is not rosy in BC by a long shot.
Loving you with all my heart, mind and soul. If you get bored in heaven come and spend some time in our funny old house – we’d love to feel your presence with us.
My life is for you, Keith, you can do with it what ever you want.
Here’s a huge, grizzly-sized HUG and a KISS on those funny earlobes of yours. Be good – and if you can’t be good, feel free to name it after me – LOL! Always,
- Susan
