Wednesday, 15 June 2005 [6:00 p.m.]:
Hullo, KD.Today has been a bit of an odd day. I stayed in bed until late and didn’t get to work until 1:30 p.m. I only worked three hours and came back home again. Cold definitely feels better and I think that the asthma puffer thing is working.
Had a nice thing and a crappy thing happen when I got home…
First – I picked up Vernita’s painting from the Post Office and it is really cute. I like the colours, I like the way the oil paint blends together, I like the way it looks and I especially like the fact that, through this blog, I’ve gotten to know the artist. Thank you, Vernita.
Then I got some bad news via email from Paul. I’m knocked off kilter by it and it wasn’t anticipated. Again I am made to feel that I am "too" honest – I don’t believe in degrees of honesty (‘member that "Red-Lined on the Honesty Meter" post I made about you in January?) – you either are or you aren’t. Me, I am and it gets me into strife all the time. Paul said he’d ring at eight tonight but I’m pretty sure he won’t. Doubt he’s got the b*lls, really.
OK, as to you and Don. I’ve been thinking, thinking, thinking about what Don said. He thinks I’ve been horrible about the family – I think he probably hasn’t read all my posts, specifically the early ones where I go on and on about them (nicely) – and it’s pretty unlikely he’d be able to see it through my eyes. So Don will just have to go on believing what he does and I will just have to wear it.
As to Don and his opinion about our relationship: "i do know that the love that you refer to in your b(l)og was only as a friend from Keith's way of thinking and not romantic in any way." Well, honey, that is entirely possible. You said that no one else could love me more than you did – was that romantic love or not? I took it to be so. That was on the 7th of February – did you talk to Don after then and tell him you didn’t? I’m pretty sure (as I’ve said before) that Don was one of the friends that you spoke to (I think on the 8th Canadian time) about not wanting me to come over. You always said that you didn’t want me to come for two reasons: so I would remember you like you looked when you were well and so I wouldn’t grieve for you like you did for your father.
And what’s this bit "only as a friend"? Keith – to be your friend was something special, it went way beyond the normal definition of friendship. It’s something that I am very honoured by and very proud of.
So – was it romantic love or not? You’ll have to let me know, Keith. I believe in my heart that it was, at least partly, so. I think that there was a lot going on that Don may not have been aware of (and I can guess that there was a lot going on that I’m not aware of). He was so surprised by my gift of your star, for instance. How many other things were there that he didn’t know about? Did he know that from mid-January, except for the times away (Mexico and Vancouver), to 8th February you spoke to me by ‘phone or Messenger every night? Does he know about the nights after Ken gave you your injection and Ken had fallen asleep that you, unable to sleep, would ring or Messenger me again? We were very close, KD. I don’t know if you loved me "romantically" or not – I just accepted everything that you said at the time and tried not to over-analyse it. I let you be you and I let our relationship be what it was since it seemed to serve us both so well. I’m sorry if I read into it something that wasn’t there. And now, in hindsight, and in missing you so very much, I am afraid that I have over-analysed it. OK, Mr. Fat-Fingers that I love so much, have it whatever way you wanted. You always, except for your health, seemed to get your own way, didn’t you (and I say that without a hint of animosity.)? How I’m going to know, I’ve got no idea. Maybe when your package comes there will be something there to let me know. And there’s my trip to BC in November to say goodbye to your scattered, broken ashes – maybe after that I will be able to pick up the scattered, broken pieces of me and my heart. And go on. Somehow to go on.
I hope all the love that I have for you reflects off that perfect star and bathes you with its warmth and light. Be free and happy, love, even if it means to be free of me.
- always your Susan
posted by Susan @ 6:56 pm
1 Comments:
Susan, I'm glad I could bring at least one bit of light into your day. I hope you will enjoy the painting. I'm glad to know it got there safely.
Wishing you the best in this journey of yours. You will travel hills and valleys, but you will finally reach a destination.
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