Tuesday night, 7 June 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:
Hi, there honey, it’s your Susan.Busy, busy day today and I had a hard time getting up and out of bed to get ready for work. I took two sleeping pills the night before ‘cuz no way was I going to have my second consecutive night with no sleep and they certainly worked!
I do miss you, honey, and it was hard to again check the mailbox and find nothing from Canada. There’s just this odd sensation of distance between us that I hadn’t felt until the other day and it has me confused and frightened and sad. I cannot believe that you would just leave, I really can’t. I don’t know what’s causing it – you or me or what? Please let me know what happening, sweetheart. The way that everything has been, when you put it all together, has made it very, very hard for me. You didn’t ring or message or email me to say goodbye, the package that you wanted for me was never sent, I never got to be a part of any ritual celebrating you (except the ones I made myself), Don or Ken or Alison never got back to me, I didn’t find out about your cremation until after it was done (and I don’t even know when it was) and none of my questions ever got answered. And, on top of it all, I got raked over the coals for doing things that I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do. Why is this the way that things are turning out? Didn’t I love you completely? Didn’t I bend over backwards trying to please you and meet your needs? Wasn’t I (until I had heaps of crap thrown at me) perfectly nice to all your friends and your family? You told me you loved me and I believed it – why else would you say such a thing if it wasn’t true – you had nothing to gain by saying it. But I’m worth it, honey, I deserve it, I’m good enough. Me, stupid old me who never, ever had anybody like you love me. And we had to lose it all to some goddamned rare fucking disease that made life hell for you and wound up breaking my heart. Yes, I’ve kept the first Promise I made to you – I now know that I am good, I am worthwhile, I do deserve a full and happy life. I’ll even go so far as to say that I deserve a life with you – that I was good to you, that I made you happy, that I tried at all times to do what was best for you. No, I’m not like Mrs. Five Star and I’m not like those other women you mentioned that you had in your life. I’m Susan and I loved you best. Not for very long but for the very best. "I don’t care how you look at me, because I am the one and you will see, we can make it work, we can make it by. So give me one more minute and I’ll tell you why, I’m a rough girl, I’m a rough girl."
Keith, there will always, always, always be a place for you in my life no matter how circumstances change. I’m not going to promise not to have another man in my life – I know you wouldn’t even want me to promise that. But even if I do, I will still want you near. And you know when I come to my end it will be your hand I will be looking for to help me across. I am telling you that I want you back in my life now and I want you to stay with me – I don’t want this distance between us. It serves no purpose other than to upset me and make it all that much harder. It’s your choice to be near me or not, it’s not something that I can make happen or not. And time is not the same for you as it is for me – you can visit your daughter or your Mum and I’d hardly even know that you were gone because when you finally decide to stay with me part of your spirit will always be with me.
Next week I’m going to see if I can track down a Sage hat like yours and order Clayton’s book from Amazon and I’m even going to try and get a purple "Bare" polar fleece shirt like yours. Oh, and I might see if I can get an "Action Animals" vest like you had – that one’s got me worried a bit ‘cuz I’m afraid somebody there might ring Colleen or Alison. Well, if truth be told, I couldn’t give a f*ck if they do – after all, I’m not the person who disobeyed you, am I? I haven’t totally given up on my package but it would be nice to have some of the things associated with you nearby. And when your stuff finally comes it won’t kill me to have two, will it?
Trust me and think about what you know in your heart (and in your mind) to be true. No one knows me better than you and only you know what is best for us both. You said that no one else could love me more than you did. I didn’t understand or completely accept that at the time but now I do, now I see and you are (as usual) right. I was a fool to ever have doubted you about anything but you were so amazing – it was a wild ride and you made me laugh so! You are the most delightful person I have ever met – I think that’s one of the things that I love the most about you: your playfulness, your sense of wonder, your enthusiasm.
Honey, I have to go. I have cried a million tears writing this but at the same time I am at peace and I am happy. Come be beside me as I make my way in this world that has lost so much with your passing. No matter what you decide, I will always love you. Ever yours –
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 11:23 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home