early Sunday, 5 June 2005 [12 midnight]:
Keith.Honey, today was a sad, strange day. I slept a lot because of the flu and I read a lot and I cried a lot, too.
I am reading a book called "One Breath Away" by a woman from Byron Bay (NSW) whose partner of seventeen years died in a car accident. It was very, very strange today – she keeps writing about how her partner, Kim, keeps contacting her and speaking to her – helping her to come to terms with his death. And the oddest thing has happened to me – I can’t feel you at all!!! Sweetie, please don’t leave me! I look at your ‘cub’ photo and I see your beautiful eyes and face, but all the warmth and love is gone. Same, but not to the same extent, with your photo with Kisa in front of Alison’s house. I see your beautiful (but so sick) face and it doesn’t feel the same. Is it me or is it you? Honey, don’t you want me to love you? Are you trying to leave me? Is this your way of telling me that you don’t want me to join you?
I wish I knew if you put a letter in the package that you tried to have sent to me. It would seem like you would have written something.
They are driving me nuts, I swear. Not a peep from Don and no parcel from Alison or Colleen and now you don’t feel close to me like you did. Maybe this is your way of trying to make it easier for me, honey. You always did exactly what you wanted, didn’t you? You were sweet and caring but belligerent all the same. It doesn’t bother me, though, I love you just as you are and I don’t care if you are a bit bull-headed at times. You know that I just adore you and I always will.
Honey, you know I’ve got this honesty thing going and I really think that if you’ve got something to say or there is something you would like to change, then you should contact me and let me know. I know when you’re here with me; I will be able to understand whatever it is that you are trying to tell me. I can take it, it’s better if you are honest and direct. I’d rather blunt honesty than you just pulling away from me without a word after we meant so much to each other.
A week before you died I gave you "permission" to leave and I remember telling you that I had. It’s funny but it’s almost as if after that you started to pull away and lay down your fight and gave in to the disease. And then I sent you that Valentine’s Day card that I don’t know if you ever received or not but anyone reading it would know it was a goodbye.
So I’ve said goodbye to you, Keith, but you’ve never really said goodbye to me. Please don’t leave me without saying goodbye – I couldn’t take it if you didn’t. Don’t just drift away without a word. I don’t want you to leave me at all, ever, but if that’s what you want you know I will always go along with your wishes.
Goodnight, my sweetheart –
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 12:15 pm
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