early Sunday morning, 19 June 2005 [1:15 a.m.]:
My handsome Canuck.I miss you so very much at this moment, in spite of everything that’s been going on lately. I’m afraid that I’m always going to miss you, honey, and that the hole that’s been left in my heart will never be completely filled.
This afternoon I went out with a lovely bloke named Graham who is 49. He’s straight up honest and a very caring person. He’s sort of in a situation in his life ATM so I’m not sure how much I’ll see of him but he’s very nice and I’m glad that we met. By way of being honest myself, I did tell him a bit about your place in my life.
I am being completely truthful when I tell you that you are with me every moment of the day. You mean so much to me and you, you great big softie, did so much for me I can’t not. There you were – the most manly of men (if I can put it that way) – and, at the same time, so very sweet, so very polite, so very caring. I will never understand why none of the things that we tried to do ever worked out, starting with our trip to Korea. But I promise that I will show you those jacarandas and I am so sorry that I can’t show them to you here in Australia in November like we planned. You’ll have to wait until I come and somehow find that pilot and I will show you them by the armloads.
I will write you again tomorrow – stay safe, well and happy. I hope that my loving you is a positive thing for you. I accept it if it’s the case that you don’t love me as Don said. But, hon, I know what you said and I know what you did and I think that in some ways you did. No, I know that you did. Don isn’t comfortable with that and that’s certainly his right and I, after all, don’t know what you said to him or when. I know you never, ever lied to me and I never lied to you (except for that time during our first ‘phone call when I acted as if nothing was bothering me) and I’m sure you never lied to Don, either.
You know, I would really love to sit down with Don and have a long, honest talk with him. I have a lot of questions (probably some of which he would say were not my business) and I’d like for him to tell me why he feels the way he does. I’d also dearly love it if he would tell me about your last night and also some of the stories of the times you guys had together – hunting and looking up at the stars. I’d really like a photo of you and Don together, too – I think that the album is sort of missing something without it. I really like, care for and respect him and I think that he thinks that I have completely lost the plot and, worse, am not a very nice person. Ouch, that hurts but I think that’s where he’s at and I just have to wear it.
Honey, it’s late, it’s almost 2 a.m. and I have to take care of some things in the kitchen before I can get ready for bed. I’m freezing and if I wasn’t wearing my really good jeans I think I’d probably get in bed fully dressed – LOL! Time to crank up the heater on the waterbed! (BTW – I got another pair of jeans today because I just keep losing weight and I could take off my knock around jeans without unzipping or unbuttoning them! Anyway, I’ve dropped another size and it feels good.) Still using the asthma puffer and haven’t been back to the gym (I miss it!) and haven’t been to the scrapbooking place either.
Anyway, honey, bask in the love, OK? And I’m sure your daughter is sending you heaps, too, so just enjoy. [HUG]
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 2:05 am
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