Monday night, 20 June 2005 [10:45 p.m.]:
Hello, my good friend.Today has been, I must say, a little weird. Maybe it’s the moon which is only one day off of being full.
Snivelly over Paul [he wrote last night at the exceptionally late hour (for him) of a quarter to one] and not completely understanding where he is coming from. Then there is Graham – he is so sweet and so honest and we’ve had some of the best talks. A very pleasant surprise I must say.
So there’s all this stuff going on and then there’s you. Still there are tears every day. But then there are times like this – I was walking through S Block to take a message to the Biomedical Sciences department and this feeling of thankfulness for you just washed over me like a wave. Crash! And I feel so grounded, so special, so invincible and all because of you. I tried so hard to please you and anticipate your every need but I doubt very much that I helped and aided you as much as you did (and do) me. I really don’t think you had any real idea of just how special you were and are. And here all of us are that love you – condemned to live without you.
My dearest, dearest friend – I miss you so. I don’t want to live to be an old lady because that will be like a prison sentence to live so many years without you. There were three pairs of rosellas at Uni today when I left after work. And I thought, you know, I’ve seen it all, I’ve seen everything that I want to see – Leningrad, the first time I saw Warwick’s face, the Great Barrier Reef, my mother, the temples of Thailand, even the first time I really understood calculus – now all that’s left is to see your face again. In some ways it is so pointless to go on living when, really, I just want to be with, or at least near, you.
Don’t worry, sweetheart, I don’t say these things to upset or trouble you. Only to let you know how I am feeling after all these months. I thought that by now I’d be doing better – after all, I’ve taken up the gym, painting, scrapbooking and dating again – and I thought that these distractions would take the focus off you and give us both some peace.
A New Zealander closed a letter to me with these Maori words: "Kia kaha" ("Stay strong"). Strong, free and happy, OK? Love –
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 11:45 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home