Sunday evening, 19 June 2005 [11:15 p.m.]:
Hey, there, my Grizz.I saw the most amazing, majestic, beautiful thing today! Now understand, if I were an Aboriginal, my totem would be the sea turtle and the pelican. And today, coming back from Parramatta, I saw the most beautiful thing – nine huge black and grey pelicans floating and gliding over Granville. It was so beautiful that I had to pull the car over to the kerb and just watch. They are very lucky for me and, in typical Susan fashion, I did get a bit weepy with just the wonder of seeing them. I don’t think I’ve seen one since we lived in Rosehill – at least two years ago. Just think – nine pelicans, nine times lucky.
Well, it wouldn’t seem like such a lucky day – I got my "walking papers" from Paul, who, given the time and space he needed to think over the bundle of baggage that is me, decided he couldn’t handle the mix and has retired to the hinterlands. I think he’s probably made a mistake but he has to wear it. You gave me that much, Keith, a belief in myself, that I matter, that I’m worth it. So while I’m going to miss Paul (I liked him and his family very much) he’s the one missing out, not me.
Went to the Parramatta Library today and brought home a small haul of books and magazines and an Australian classic movie ("We of the Never Never") on DVD that nothing that Wozza and I did could get it to play, on the TV or on the PC. Damn. Got a couple of books on grief that were recommended to me ‘cuz really, honey, this is all just over the top and I am missing you far too much. Well then, who knows – they say everyone’s grief journey is different and we know that this isn’t just about you. And it doesn’t help that I am about the world’s biggest wuss and get so wounded over things. But you were a treasure, Keith, an absolute treasure and it’s not surprising I’d miss something so wonderful in my life. Our time was so very short and, as I said before, everything that could go wrong did. You will remain, I think, for all my life, the second most important person in my world and so I hold you so closely to me. Thank God Don is looking after your package and I know I will, eventually, receive it. I know when it comes I’ll just cling to it and sob because that will be my proof that you are really gone. I know that it will, after wanting it for so long, be hard to open because by opening it I will, in a way, be accepting your death and even in a strange way taking part in it. Oh, honey, I miss you so and want so badly to have you back. Everywhere a flood of tears – on my face, my glasses, the keyboard, your picture, the sheets, my clothes. I want them to stop, I don’t want to love you any less, but I want them to stop.
But every day, in spite of the tears, there is joy and there is thankfulness - you were so very good to me and in so many ways.
Goodnight, KD, thank you for the starlight. Thank you for showing me what a real man is like.
- S.
posted by Susan @ 12:05 am
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