Friday night, 1 April 2005 [midnight]
Hi, honey. Wish you’d pop up at the door and say "April Fools’!". I assure you, you’d get some kind of welcome!
Well, an absolutely amazing thing happened this evening – Don wrote!!! I am so very, very grateful and relieved. But it’s, uh, not all good news I am afraid. In fact, I think I have to let it settle a bit before I can write about it here. And I think you’ll be fairly unhappy about one part of it.
What is this – my shortest post? Garage sale tomorrow and I’m going to hop into bed. I’ll write again tomorrow. Miss you, miss you, miss you. Love –
- Susan
Thursday night, 31 March 2005 [midnight]
Hey, ya, my Grizz. Just got in from looking up at the Southern Cross and other stars to spend some time with you.
Had a bit of a session on MSN Messenger with Rick earlier. He’s been very good – tonight we talked about how you’d want me to feel and what you’d want me to do now you’re gone. I wound up having a big sob session. I thought that I’d be a lot better than this, I really did. I’ve always been such a big toughy – I mean, I raised Warwick all on my own with not even my parents or anyone to help and he’s turned out just fantastic. Did I ever tell you that Peter (Wozza’s Dad) left me when I was just one month’s pregnant ‘cuz I wouldn’t get an abortion? All my friends and family were either in Michigan or California and here I was, alone, in Australia. Well, it was rough, but ya’ get that some times and we made it thru and I have one fantastic son whom I am very proud of and love very much, as you know. So do you see how much those times you supported him and asked after him meant to me – you spent more time with him in those few months then his Dad did. Really, Keith, you are one-of-a-kind and sorely missed by all that knew you - friends and family alike.
"Stages" is playing – honey, I know I should have come. Yeah, I should have come earlier – do you remember that one January night when you were just a whisker away from having me come? You asked me if I wanted to and then at the last minute you changed your mind. I think we should have been together then (and Ken could have used the help) and we missed out on so much by not doing so. OK, FatFingers, you got your bloody way. And then look what happened! Ah, well, it can’t be changed and we’re both losers over it.
‘night, Grizz, I’m going to bed. Enjoy yourself and drink and eat and do whatever you want. Missing you so –
- S.
Thursday night, 31 March 2005 [9:30 p.m.]
Hello, my Grizz. Hey, ya, dude, I did really well today. I missed you, of course (I will always miss you, Keith) but I was OK. Did lots of work, got to see the stars, fixed dinner for Wozza and his mate, Ben. Unfortunately, I went to flyanglersonline.com and saw your photo (that one I like with the spring salmon) and down came the tears. Damn, I thought I was going to make the whole day without losing it – I even used my iPod today and heard "Rough Boy" and some other ZZ Top stuff without crying. Honey, I miss you so very, very much (and I’m not exactly the Lone Ranger, am I?).
Honey, I was so looking forward to your trip down here to Australia. There was so much to show you, to share. I know that back in mid-December you didn’t know how soon you’d be leaving us. And there went all our plans! This is awful for me, dreadful – and I don’t have a clue what is going on in BC.
No, Don has not replied to the latest email. And, no, the parcel still has not arrived. God, I feel just like sh*t – now you’re gone, nobody gives a good Goddamn about me. You were so right when you said that nobody loved me as much as you, it’s pretty bloody obvious. And you’re gone and nobody, except for Wozza, loves me at all. No frigging wonder why I miss you! Oh, honey…
Please, please, please help me, Keith. Please, honey, I am just not meant to be without you. What would you say if you could speak to me now? BTW: here’s another Top song that fits –
Stages – ZZ Top
It's a fine time to fall in love with you,
I ain't got a single thing to do.
It happened before I knew what was going on.
I fell out and knew that I was gone.
Stages keep on changing,
stages rearranging love.
Then you left me standing all alone,
I couldn't even get you on the phone.
Were you just confused and didn't know
if you should stay or if you had to go.
Stages keep on changing,
stages rearranging love.
Going to go out and have one more look at the stars. See ya’, honey –
- Susan
Thursday night, 31 March 2005 [9:30 p.m.]
Hello, my Grizz. Hey, ya, dude, I did really well today. I missed you, of course (I will always miss you, Keith) but I was OK. Did lots of work, got to see the stars, fixed dinner for Wozza and his mate, Ben. Unfortunately, I went to flyanglersonline.com and saw your photo (that one I like with the spring salmon) and down came the tears. Damn, I thought I was going to make the whole day without losing it – I even used my iPod today and heard "Rough Boy" and some other ZZ Top stuff without crying. Honey, I miss you so very, very much (and I’m not exactly the Lone Ranger, am I?).
Honey, I was so looking forward to your trip down here to Australia. There was so much to show you, to share. I know that back in mid-December you didn’t know how soon you’d be leaving us. And there went all our plans! This is awful for me, dreadful – and I don’t have a clue what is going on in BC.
No, Don has not replied to the latest email. And, no, the parcel still has not arrived. God, I feel just like sh*t – now you’re gone, nobody gives a good Goddamn about me. You were so right when you said that nobody loved me as much as you, it’s pretty bloody obvious. And you’re gone and nobody, except for Wozza, loves me at all. No frigging wonder why I miss you! Oh, honey…
Please, please, please help me, Keith. Please, honey, I am just not meant to be without you. What would you say if you could speak to me now? BTW: here’s another Top song that fits –
Stages – ZZ Top
It's a fine time to fall in love with you,
I ain't got a single thing to do.
It happened before I knew what was going on.
I fell out and knew that I was gone.
Stages keep on changing,
stages rearranging love.
Then you left me standing all alone,
I couldn't even get you on the phone.
Were you just confused and didn't know
if you should stay or if you had to go.
Stages keep on changing,
stages rearranging love.
Going to go out and have one more look at the stars. See ya’, honey –
- Susan
Wednesday night, 30 March 2005 [10:30 p.m.]
Hey, you big ol’ Canuck! ;-) How ya doin’?
Missed you heaps, cried a little, worked a lot. Did painting and scrubbing at the new house and will do the same again tomorrow. Got a call from work and they are kind of wondering where I am – so I’m missed! Funny how you got so you’d always say you’d miss me when you’d be gone for a couple of days, like when you went to Mexico and to Vancouver with Kisa. Honey, you were always so sweet, thank you.
I really don’t have many regrets about our relationship. Yeah, I’m sorry you freaked when I said I was going to turn up that Saturday. And I sort of wish that I had asked you for more but it’s just not my style to ask for things. But I sure hope that some things that were important to you (photos, Clayton’s daughter’s blanket, Clayton’s book, your fishing stuff, etc.) went to someone who will appreciate them and think of you when they use them. But I don’t think that there was anything that I left unsaid or that you were in any doubt about how I felt about you and that you knew (I hope) that I would have done anything that you asked of me. Anything.
It’s a bit chilly tonight so I’m going to let the cats in and go get snuggly in bed. Warwick will be up for awhile – he has an exam tomorrow.
The picture of you taken last June with the tiger cub is looking down at me – it is hard to describe the feeling of peace that I get when I look up and see you looking down at me. I am so glad that you are finally at peace now, my love. ‘night, sweetheart –
- S.
Tuesday night, 29 March 2005 [10:30 p.m.]
My Keith, how ya goin’ – had enough of hunting and fishing yet? Not likely, eh?
About the new place: had a cleaner in yesterday - $60. Had two professional cleaners in today - $250. Had a glazier over today - $71. Meeting the carpenter over there tomorrow - $150. Electrician - $??. Pest control - $??. Seeing the look on the landlord’s face when I drag him before the Rental Tribunal – priceless! [This is the first time you realised I could be a total bitch, isn’t it?]
Well, I did it – it had to happen and I did it – I got up the nerve and the mood was right and I wrote Don. God, I hope he answers me. I also told him about this blog, that he and others were mentioned in it and that he could have the URL if he wanted. I actually feel better having written him – it has preyed on my mind a bit lately (well, fair go! If only there was your missing parcel to worry about). I also gave him my ‘phone number and let him know about the phone card that you got at 108. [I will NEVER forget that day – you gave me such a shock when you threatened to leave your house. I am as baffled about it today as I was then.] Anyway, he might feel more comfortable doing the question and answer thing over the ‘phone but I did suggest that it should be me doing the ‘phoning since it’s so much cheaper from here. I gave him my number (that you always had so much trouble with until you got that ‘phone card – LOL!) in case he wants to tee it up that way and then I can ring him back.
So, ya, today was OK. I cried for you, of course (when do I not?) but stuff got done. I ran into an old digger (an Aussie term for an old ex-serviceman) in a store today. He was the nicest old guy (eighty-seven years old) and we had a good old yarn. He talked about his kids and his house and garden and time in the service – a good old Aussie bloke. I wanted to talk more to him ‘cuz I could see he really wanted to talk but I had to meet someone over at the house so I had to leave him. Something about him reminded me of you and I had one of my "Susan starts weeping in the shopping centre" sessions. Tell everyone to buy stock in Kleenex – they’re making a fortune out of me.
OK, love, I got to go. (Just got that warm, pressure feeling in my chest from looking up at your cub picture again.) Don’t forget about Warwick and I and your friends and Alison and the rest of your family (notice I haven’t mentioned ‘April’ since I haven’t really sorted that one out – you really should be sorry if you got me mixed up with somebody else and didn’t have the b*lls to admit it at the time – you’re a big stinker but I love you anyway). All my love –
- Susan
Monday night, 28 March 2005 [11:45 p.m.]
Hi, honey. Today Wozza and I did all sorts of stuff for the move – went and got cartons and tape, bought all sorts of stuff in a hardware store: locks, chain, paint, tarps, drop cloths, etc. Then we sorted and packed all our sheets, towels, blankets and quilts. And we got some of Rick’s stuff organised, too. So it was a fairly productive day. Tomorrow I have the unenviable task of ringing our current real estate agent and letting her know we won’t be out in time. Oops! And we have decided to have another garage sale this coming Saturday. Lots to do tomorrow.
And as for you? Well, I thought of you constantly. While I was in the hardware store I got this feeling that I was missing a teammate, that a part of me was missing. And a small part of me still waits to hear from you – you’ll say "LOL! Had ya goin’, eh?". If only, honey, if only.
Nothing from BC and I haven’t worked up the nerve to write Alison or Don or "Ken". I find it really weird that I can’t find an obituary for you – did you ask your family not to put one in? I’m telling you, it’s bizarre. Hard on us that are mourning you, honey, to totally lose all connection with you. None of that elusive ‘closure’.
I’m sad and I’m tired and it’s just gone midnight so I think I’ll shuffle off to bed. I always love the time when I go to bed – it’s my special time with you and I focus on you and on our relationship. I feel all warm and safe when I get into bed and I feel like I have you all to myself – selfish woman.
- S.
