Friday, 24 June 2005 [11:15 p.m.]:
Keith –How are you, very best buddy? I think about you all the time and keep wondering how (and where) you are. I miss you so much.
I can’t talk long, it’s absolutely freezing in here – looking forward to hopping in the waterbed and having the heater keep me warm. But we’ve had some rain – don’t think that it’s enough yet to be a drought-breaker but at least it’s something. Sure hope the farmers and graziers are getting some of this rain.
Things are not going well ATM – my watch broke on Saturday night and isn’t repairable, got the letter from Paul that I didn’t want to hear, ‘fridge broke down on Wednesday (birthday), had a big medical emergency Wednesday and yesterday so I had to have two (painful and messy) ultrasounds today, the "repairs" that appliance person made to ‘fridge resulted in blowing two of the three house circuits last night so I lost all the meat and ice cream that I had in the freezer (I have spent hours trying to cook the stuff up so I can keep it longer). Anyway, I have to have a Pap smear as soon as the bleeding stops and you know, KD, what I’m thinking? Good – cervical cancer – now I get to go see Keith. It’s entirely pathetic but it’s how I partly feel. It looks like it probably isn’t cancer but they don’t know what it is. It’s like a tragic movie – you die, some months later I die. Sad ending. But wait! How will I bring you your jacarandas if I get so sick? OK, that settles it – no, I don’t want cancer, at least now would be inconvenient.
I am reading this and I sound insane. Maybe I am, who knows. I do know that I can’t handle the number of setbacks and disappointments that I have had over the last couple of years. You were the best, best thing of my whole life, Keith, and you got taken before we had even begun. Add on top of that all the other pain and losses and it is just too much to bear. So you get me saying things like "I have seen all the beautiful things there are to see in the world, please, God, can I just go and see Keith now?". Scary but true. You wanted me to be more positive and I can’t quite figure it out but I’m sure that this is not what you meant.
All the disappointing and hurtful days plod on – are you testing me? Only my love for you stays constant.
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 11:30 pm
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