Wednesday, 31 August 2005 [8:45 p.m.]:
Keith –
Bugger it! I am just going to go ahead and write Don again. I don’t want to piss him off but it’s driving me crazy (or ‘crazier’ probably).
- S.
Pretty pink and grey galahs - found almost everywhere in Australia - and often, as I saw today, mixed in with flocks of cockatoos.
Wednesday evening, 31 August 2005 [6:45 p.m.]: K.D. –
Left work early today as I had two appointments. On my way to the second one, I saw a large flock of cockatoos with a few galahs mixed in. Things haven’t been the best in my life lately (actually for quite awhile now) but I always seem to run across something beautiful or something funny or some music track that is just perfect. I know that a lot of them are due to you and I want to thank you again for everything that you have done for me.
I am stressing over Don again – I absolutely need to talk to him and soon. It’s been so long now since he last wrote – it was early June – but then he did say that sometimes he’s gone for months at a time. Please, please, please get him to contact me, Keith! I have to speak to him so I can make my reservations before the fare goes up. I know you can plant an idea in his head so do it for me, OK?
I’m really sleepy – I had a nap a bit after four and am feeling a bit groggy. Ruffie is tearing the house apart! Since I’ve been working so much and Wozza is at his Dad’s, she is home just too much on her own.
Going to say ‘bye, honey. Go get St. Peter to re-issue some of that Sleeman’s Pale Honey Ale to you on my account and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy yourself. Do whatever makes you happy and if that means you don’t contact Don, then well so be it – now is your time.
Love for always –
- Susan
early Wednesday morning, 31 August 2005 [1:00 a.m.]:
My sweet Keith –
Hi, hon, how ya’ doin’? I’ve been working a lot of hours at Uni – didn’t get home tonight until 12:30. Warwick has gone to stay at his Dad’s during the week while semester is on ‘cuz his Dad’s house is close to his campus – which means that Ruffie is alone too much of the time. He is destroying all manner of things around here! When I got home tonight, he had managed to pull down the bouquet of wattle that I picked at Camden Airfield and had in the bedroom by your photo. Hope he didn’t chew any more on Warren’s bottle of port that is here for him – earlier today Ruffie chewed on the bottle neck.
‘night, Keith – love you heaps and miss you always.
- Tiger Woman
Tuesday morning, 30 August 2005 [8:00 a.m.]:
Grizz –
Another beautiful thing! When I took Ruffie out for her morning play, two birds that looked like very dark starlings flew into the yard. They had a bit of a tiff in one of the pine trees and one broke away and landed on the shed in front of me. He was less than three metres (yards) away. He sat there in profile and I could see his breath. I guess the temperature and humidity were just right and so I was able to see something I have never seen before. Did you send this lovely thing to me? It wouldn’t surprise me if you had.
Always yours –
- S.
Monday evening, 29 August 2005 [7:00 p.m.]:
Dearest, dearest Keith.
Something that you’d think was so unrelated to you brought you back to me with a bump and a classic LOL moment. I was walking back from Student Admin past a retaining wall. A small skink (a mini lizard – they’re one of the ones that releases their tails when they are threatened) leapt off of the planter at the top of the wall and landed with a plop on the pavement right in front of me – it must have been about a metre (yard) drop. Well, it freaked when it realised that there weren’t any plants to hide under or insects to eat so it kept trying to hide under the arches of my shoes. I was carrying some papers so I tried to scoop it up and put it back with the plants – I eventually got it and I guess it’s happily in the planter still. It was so cute and its body and tail so sinuous I just laughed out loud and thought of you. You always know when to settle me, don’t you. (And just now I went out side to check on Ruffie and even tho it’s 7:30 p.m. and been dark for awhile now, I heard a bird singing - was that you again?)
Well, Warren served me with my walking papers on Sunday morning – I can’t say I’m surprised the way he’s been acting lately. It’s a shame, he has a lot of what I can only call ‘potential’ but he is not very happy inside himself right now. I’d like to help him with that but not sure if I’d be at all welcome. Too bad, there is a really lovely man inside there; I guess the time just wasn’t right.
Graham has been a treasure, though. Did you send him, too, ‘cuz he sure knows how to look after me and keeps it up even though he knows I’ve had a bit of a thing for Warren. For my sake he wanted things to work out when I went down to Picton on Saturday night and for his sake he was hoping that they wouldn’t.
Going to close here – I’ve had a lot of very late nights lately and I hardly slept a wink at Warren’s so I am completely buggered. (And work has been completely insane.)
Missing you, sweetheart, and looking forward to hearing from Don! I might as well just pick up the parcel and save Don the postage. Guess Don would want to get it ‘cuz I don’t think that Alison would want me to rock up to Boxcar Street to get it.
Sweet dreams –
- Susan
These are the tiny skinks we have here. They 'throw' their tails when they are threatened and the tail kinks and wiggles all on its own - so hopefully a predator will take the tail and not the skink. They're very cute.
Saturday, 27 August 2005 [3:00 p.m.]:
Keith –
Fresh from a late shower (didn’t go to bed last night until almost four) and I just thought that I’d write down some thoughts.
I want you to know how palpable your presence is sometimes – I can feel you near me and there’s almost this sensation that the air is thicker and full – it is almost as if I could reach out and stroke you. But even though I know that you are near, I still miss you – almost to distraction. I can feel your presence and I know that you are with me but at the same time I miss your physical self. You were so good to me and taught me so much. I miss the ‘phone calls, the MSN messages, the emails, the glorious photos, the stories, the plans we made. You didn’t tell your friends, did you? I’m not sure why not but you are a pretty private person and I guess you kept that side of us aside until it was time to tell them.
I am pretty tired but I am going in to work – it has been a nightmare these past few days. I really need to get the money together for my trip so I am going to work every single minute that I can.
Got to go, hon. Stay well –
- Susan
P.S.: I haven’t heard a thing from Don and I am getting antsy about it. He had me placated there for awhile but now it just seems like it’s been to long.
Thursday night, 25 August 2005 [10:15 p.m.]:
Grizz –
Guess what – you won’t believe it! ZZ Top is touring North America right now! (They were even in Ionia, Michigan in July). Their website says that they are going to add more dates in November – just think, when I come over to say goodbye to you I might be able to go to one of their concerts! I am stoked! Did you ever get to see them? They appeared in Ottawa, Quebec City and London and Rama Ontario during the tour. Maybe they’ll do Vancouver or Abbotsford – yip, yip! ;-)
Miss you –
- Susan
Warwick's girlfriend, Alison, with Ruffie.
Wednesday, 24 August 2005 [8:45 p.m.]:
My Keith –
Just a quick note to say "Hi". Things are a total disaster at work with Kerrie away and me trying to do both jobs so I am going in tonight to see how many emails I can plow through – at last count, I had more than 230 outstanding!!!
Last night was sad. Graham asked me about Clayton’s book and about the package that you wanted to be sent to me. So I read him one of Don’s emails and my emails to Don and I just lost it. I think that it was hard for Graham to hear me so upset. I have to admit that it did surprise me – I have been really, really good since that bad patch that I went through in early July. Anyway, honey, I am trying hard to be like you want me to be but sometimes I get upset and sometimes I let people like Warren walk all over me. I know that I don’t deserve it and I know that if you were here you’d go kick his a$$ for the way he has been treating me but it’s hard sometimes. You taught me that I deserve better but sometimes old habits die hard.
Ruffie is so cute and a total mischief! You’d love her – got no idea what sort of hunting dog she’d make – she’s been bred to muster cattle by nipping them on the back of the leg. They do an amazing job of working a mob of cattle to voice commands from their master – a neat thing to watch. I’m hoping that I will be able to get her papers and I might even show her in the Royal Easter Show if it doesn’t cost too much.
Honey, I have to go to work so I have to leave it here. I sure miss you. The stars, although not very many, were beautiful and I got to spend a bit of time with you that way. Be happy, sweetheart, and know that lots of people love you. Thank you for taking such good care of me, you are one special dude.
Love always –
- Susan
Graham and Ruffie - she's named after ZZ Top's song "Rough Boy". ZZ Top was Keith's favourite band and I always think of "Rough Boy" as 'his' song.
Wozza at the pet store picking up Ruffie.
Ruffie with her favourite toy the day we brought her home.
Sunday night, 21 August 2005 [10:00 p.m.]:
Hey there, K.D.!
Well, I have gone and done it: Wozza and I went and bought all sorts of doggy stuff and then we went and picked up "Ruffie". She is so sweet and so smart! We didn’t even have to teach her to fetch, she just did it right off the bat. She even knows what "no" is from the tone and she’s already pretty good on a leash. We bought her all sorts of things and she already has a favourite toy.
Graham is going to make a doghouse for her – it’s going to be really nice: Graham and I sketched it up on Friday. I know that you’d like her a lot and even though I don’t need a reminder of you, she always will be. I’m going to put in some photos of her – there are probably some people who don’t know what an Australian Cattle Dog looks like. But she’s just a pup and her looks and colour will change a bit as she ages. Right now she is in the enclosed verandah off my bedroom in a large basket that’s lying on its side with a mattress pad inside and a stuffed animal to snuggle up to. She’s being very good – hope she doesn’t want company at about 3 a.m.!
Miss you heaps, honey. But could you do me a couple of favours? Whisper in Don’s ear to get that package on it’s way (I haven’t heard from him in so long) and tell Warren that he is making a big mistake and missing out on something very special. Love you always, honey.
- S.
early Thursday morning, 18 August 2005 [12:15 a.m.]:
Keith –
It was six months ago today that I got Don’s emails and *A LOT* has happened since then. I bet you’re proud of me (even though I haven’t started doing any research into PV yet). But I know, too, that you’d try to talk me out of some of the situations that I’m in and ask me what the hell do I think I’m doing when I let people just take advantage of me like I do sometimes. You know, Keith, I can be so naïve – I always believe everything everybody says to me. At least you, you wonderful man, never lied to me and I could trust everything you said, no matter how unbelievable they seemed sometimes. I sure miss your stories.
There is something that I have to tell you… I did something today that may mean that I won’t be able to come to BC in November. I put a deposit down on a cattledog puppy – she is so cute! I am going to call her "Ruffie" – for ‘your’ song "Rough Boy" by ZZ Top (I couldn’t exactly call her ‘Keith’ or ‘ZZ’, could I?) Anyway she’s expensive and will put a big dent in what I have managed to put aside for the trip so far. I mean, I have no idea how much the pilot will cost and then I have nobody to stay with meaning big motel bills, and a rental car. But, God, I want to bring those blossoms you loved to you and say goodbye (if I can) and see Kisa. I’d like to see Don, too, but I have no idea if he’d be in it. I am so hoping that you wrote me a letter and that I will eventually get it. I can’t believe it’s taken so long – I bet you can’t believe it either.
I was just sitting here thinking about how you invited me to come and stay at 108. We didn’t know then how sick you were going to get and how soon. I miss you so very, very much and feel cheated just like Ken said. [Sh*t – the first bloody tears in a long while (well, for me anyway).] Keith, I will never, ever forget you. I am trying to keep my Promises – I haven’t done very well on the first one just lately, have I? Be my buddy and help me out, OK? I need a boot in the butt from time to time, I guess.
Love you sweetheart.
- Susan
P.S.: Tonight the moon is mostly full – the lunar cycles are just flying by and seems as if it was only a day or two ago that the moon was a sliver.
early Wednesday morning, 17 August 2005 [1:00 a.m.]:
K.D. –
"Time washes clean,
love’s wounds unseen."
That’s from a Linda Ronstadt song, which seems to have a double meaning at the moment and I don’t know what to do about it. Sometimes I can be such a fool.
Not a word from Don, I am starting to get a bit discouraged. But I do believe that he will, some day, honour your wishes and send me what you had set aside for me. I hope I hear from him soon.
‘night, honey – going to go to bed – a little weepy tonight and I need the sleep. I miss you so. And what’s happening here has some unfortunate aspects – hope a certain person pulls his head out and realises what he’s missing out on. If I was good enough for you, Keith, then I am ready to take on the world.
Thank you for everything – I owe you so much. Love –
- Susan
Monday morning, 15 August 2005 [8:30 a.m.]:
K.D. –
I had this thought when I woke up this morning: you have shown me the path that I am meant to take and I am here, but struggling to stay on it. I am climbing the mountain but I am left to do it all alone.
Please help me whenever you can for I am finding the journey very hard.
- S.
Sunday, 14 August 2005 [11:45 p.m.]:
My Grizz…
One of those things just happened – I went into Amazon to order a book and there was your post office box address listed twice from times that I sent gifts to you. Kind of yanks me back earthwards to when it happened.
Never knew that I could miss someone so. See ya’, honey.
- Susan
The laughing kookaburra. Remember the kid's song: "Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree, counting all the monkeys he can see. Laugh, kookaburra, laugh - that's not a monkey, that's me".
Sunday, 14 August 2005 [8:00 p.m.]:
Hey ya, my Keith.
Had a great day today! Graham took me up to Bathurst where there is a well-known racetrack for V-8s (used to race cycles there but it got too dangerous so they stopped the motorcycles). He took me around the track twice and then I got to have a go for two laps!!! It was great! Lots of tight curves and some of them are very steep. When it’s not being used for races it is an ordinary road so today the traffic was two-way so I just couldn’t let it out on the cornering. [Plus Graham’s car is an automatic - ;-( ] But it was a great drive up (we left here at 10:30 a.m. and finished on the track at 2:15 p.m. So I guess it took us about three and a half hours to get up there). All around Bathurst the early lambs had come and the wattle was all in bloom. I saw two kookaburras and I hadn’t seen one in years. Their call is so funny! I’ll stick a picture in with this.
Thought these lyrics are interesting:
Fallen – Lauren Wood
I can't believe it, you're a dream comin' true.
I can't believe how I have fallen for you.
And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game.
You are the one who's led me to the sun.
How could I know that I was lost without you?
And I want to tell you, you control my rain.
And you should know that you are life in my veins.
You are the one who's led me to the sun.
How could I know that I was lost without you.
I can't believe it, you're a dream coming true.
I can't believe how I have fallen for you.
I like the "and I was not looking" and "you should know that you are life in my veins" – makes me think of you and me and lyrics from "Stages" ["It's a fine time to fall in love with you, I ain't got a single thing to do. It happened before I knew what was going on. I fell out and knew that I was gone."] and "Follow Me" ["All you know is when I'm with youI make you free and swim through your veins like a fish in the sea."].
Honey, I am really tired tonight and don’t know why. Have to finish up some emails and then I am going to have an early night for a change. BTW - no news from Don yet. ;-(
Take care, sweetheart –
- Susan
Saturday, 13 August 2005 [12 noon]:
Keith –
Right now, in Canada, it’s just 7 p.m. on the twelfth – exactly six months ago your friends would have been gathering at your house to celebrate your life with them and relive all the pleasant days gone by. I know they knew it was the last time.
Yesterday the twelfth of February came flooding back – no, flooding isn’t the right word: it was more confronting, like coming up against a barrier or unclimbable wall. Every single detail of that day in Chinatown came back with a startling clarity – the sounds of the drums and cymbals; the loud, almost deafening roar of the firecrackers; the torn, shredded paper - like confetti on the pavement after the crackers had exploded. The banners of the kung fu clubs and the lion costumes and the streets thronged with people. And through it all, my worried, distracted brain chanting the mantra "you should be on the plane right now, you should be on the plane".
But I did it your way, Keith, just the way you wanted it. I hope, at the very, very end you remembered that. That you remembered that I always put you first and tried, in every way possible, to please you and make it better for you.
Honey, I am so sorry at the way it all played out. It could have been so much better but we both did the best that we could. Having just said that I am sorry, I have to again point out that I have absolutely no regrets about anything.
I love you and I always will; I miss you and I always will. Rest easy, Keith –
- Susan
early Tuesday morning, 9 August 2005 [1:45 a.m.]:
Hey ya, my Keith.
This will be short as I have to work tomorrow and am going to wash my hair before I go so that means an early rising (well, for me at least). Long hair is a pain to take care of!
I just wanted to tell you how beautiful the moon and Venus were tonight. The moon was the thinnest sliver and Venus was right next to it – it looked like the Islamic star and crescent. I saw it when I was on my way to the gym.
Today is one of those hard days – it was exactly six months ago today that I last spoke to you on the ‘phone. At least you had a good day that day and you sounded so happy.
Six months – think of it, six whole months. And I haven’t stopped missing you or loving you for one instant of that time.
So looking forward to seeing you again! All my love –
- your Susan
early Monday morning, 8 August 2005 [12:15 a.m.]:
Hi, Keith.
Well, I finally watched "Field of Dreams" and I can see why it would appeal to you and why you wanted me to see it. For a brief time early on in the film I could feel you here and I tried so hard not to cry and make you feel uncomfortable. At the end of the film I got a lump in my throat – it just made me think of your Dad and of your Grandpa. I am so thankful that you at last get to be with them again. Live it up and enjoy yourself, honey.
I miss you so but it is better for you to be where you are now. That doesn’t stop all of us down here from missing you, though. I am so proud to have known you, Keith. You are a very, very special person and many people will think of you with love for a long time to come. You did a stellar job of living your life and are an inspiration to us. I can’t stop loving you, honey, you just have to live with that. Be free of all the things that held you back. Love always –
- S.
Saturday night, 6 August 2005 [11:45 p.m.]:
Hey, my Keith.
Have to say that, even though I’ve been busy, I miss you heaps. I was thinking tonight that there was still so much that we had to give to each other – I hate the way we ran out of time to do those things we talked about doing.
Graham was horrified yesterday when I said that I didn’t fear death any more since I knew I’d see you when I die. He says that it’s fine for me to believe that you visited me but I can tell he doesn’t believe it at all. I hope he doesn’t lose anyone close to him, but when he does I am sure he will see what I mean. Thank you, honey, for your visits.
I have so much to thank you for! A new way of looking at myself, a remembrance of things of my Michigan youth, of accepting things that were different or that I didn’t understand (like your tatts), of music (how much I have come to love ZZ Top!!! – thank you, thank you, thank you for that), of how you impressed me by being so fair and your childlike wonder that charmed me so. You have come to define what a "man" is for me – you have raised the bar to impossible heights, you know.
I see Venus every night these days: so bright and so constant. I know the pearlescent light that she reflects shines off your face and washes over me. Being in sight of her is to be, again, with you. When I finally arrive "up north" it will be so good to be able to see your star in Ursa Major – I haven’t seen the Big Dipper in a long, long time.
It’s cold and I’m going to read for a bit and then go to bed. I have never stopped missing or loving you in spite of all the things that I have been up to these days and I’m pretty sure that I never will.
I think of your daughter and hope she is well – she must be on summer break right now. The next week will be hard on us all: go to her, Keith, I know she will need you.
Kia kaha –
- Susan
Friday, 5 August 2005 [7:45 p.m.]:
Keith –
Today on my way to work I picked some wattle blossoms and put them in water in my office. After only fifteen minutes you could smell the lovely honey fragrance. On the way home I stopped again and brought some home – some are in the kitchen and some by your picture in the bedroom.
Listening (and singing) to lots of music – ZZ Top, Eagles and just tonight, Joni Mitchell. Here is a part of the lyrics from "A Case of You". You know, I liked this song very much when I was a young hippy chick in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I never imagined you, honey - my Canadian treasure.
A Case of You – Joni Mitchell (abridged)
Just before our love got lost you said,
"I am as constant as the Northern Star".
On the back of a cartoon coaster,
in the blue TV screen light,
I drew a map of Canada –
Oh, Canada!
- with your face sketched on it twice.
I’m frightened by the devil,
and I’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid.
I remember that time you told me, you said,
"Love is touching souls."
Surely you touched mine,
‘cause part of you pours out of me
in these lines from time to time.
I met a woman -
she had a mouth like yours.
She knew your life;
she knew your devils and your deeds.
And she said,"Go to him, stay with him if you can,
but be prepared to bleed."
Oh, but you are in my blood, you’re my holy wine.
You’re so bitter, bitter and so sweet.
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling,
still I’d be on my feet,
I would still be on my feet.
Yeah, honey, I’m still on my feet. Love you –
- Tiger Woman
Thursday morning, 4 August 2005 [8:15 a.m.]:
KD –
Another night of unremembered dreams. Dreams that I need to sort it all out.
Tears again, honey, but everything is worth the price that I paid (and nothing is worth the price that you paid).
I love you and I remember, with awe, everything.
- S.
early Thursday morning, 4 August 2005 [12:45 a.m.]:
My Keith –
Hi, honey. It’s been an odd night tonight and I don’t know where I am at in my head at all. But I have on some Native American music that is very soothing and helps keep my emotions from having a knock down, drag out dust up for supremacy. Warren – what to make of Warren? I know you know that I always look for the best in others (and often the worst in myself) and he has me mystified. I have no idea how to act and am getting no feedback. Graham is being a treasure and manages to bolster me up – I don’t know what I’d do without him.
Anyway, tonight has been a night of music – downloaded the Eagles "Hell Freezes Over" album and several singles, also Vonda Shepard’s "Baby, Don’t You Break My Heart Slow". Have you ever heard it?
Today I went back to the gym after who knows how long – that bronchitis was so bad and then that female thing happened – but now I’m back. Spent 45 minutes on the treadmill and guess what got me through it? – ZZ Top’s "Antenna" album. I think I like "Girl In A T-Shirt" and "Deal Goin’ Down" best. I sure as hell wish I knew which ZZ Top song you played me on your truck CD player over the ‘phone that time – I’d like to hear it again and know it was the one.
Haven’t heard from Don. The postage money has come out of my account** but I don’t think that Don has claimed it yet – I am pretty sure that he would write me if he had. He just hasn’t found a good enough reason to go all the way to Vancouver yet and I can’t blame him. He’s a nice man, Keith (but then you knew that).
Honey, I really could use a visit from you – it’s been a while since your spirit visited me and things seem to be getting a bit rocky right now. I really was sailing there for a while and was happy like I hadn’t been since before you died. But the walls are coming in a bit and all my bravado is tumbling down. Please help before things get too bad. The sixth month anniversary of our last ‘phone call and your death is coming up soon and I’ve been warned to expect a downturn. Thanks for helping me be as steady as I have been and thank you so very, very much for helping me to see the courage that I need to own to believe in myself as fully as I should. My Mom used to say, "Susan, if you keep making a doormat of yourself, people will continue to wipe their feet on you". And a couple are wiping away right now (or at least trying to).
Please tell Clayton ‘Hello’ – I’m wondering how different his music is to this that I am listening to. Give yourself an absolutely huge hug from me. Love always –
- Susan
**It's been deducted from my bank and put into Paypal's account where they hold it until it's claimed - and they get the interest from all the unclaimed funds.
Tuesday, 2 August 2005 [11:00 p.m.]:
Grizz –
Well, I was like a sore-headed grizzly myself today. Work was so awful. And I am so strung out over what is going on in my personal life. Sometimes I really don’t know when to trust my feelings or not. Did you ever hear that song "Baby, Don’t You Break My Heart Slow"? Well, I feel like someone is dragging me over a gravelly road and you know how bad road rash can be! It’s hard sometimes to say how you feel or how to touch base and check out where you are at with someone but I think that I will have to bite the bullet and just jump in.
While I was so cranky at work I kept thinking of you saying, "I never meant to be rude to anyone". I try to think of how you would respond, how you treated your clients and how you managed people at the school district. It helps me; it helps me a lot. And the pictures – images that steady and centre me.
Ya’, I weep – but you have been such a force for change and good in my life and I celebrate that and honour that everyday, Keith.
I miss you and I love you –
- Susan
A wombat - thanks to Warren, I saw my first wombat on Saturday night. (I've had a silver ring in the shape of a wombat that I've worn for years.)
Beautiful, fragrant wattle - one of the symbols of Australia.
Monday, 1 August 2005 [10:30 a.m.]:
My dearest, dearest Keith –
Honey, I don’t know what to say… This is the very first time in many, many months that I have cried tears for me. I’ve cried rivers of tears over you and over losing you but not for me. But this morning I laid in bed and found myself weeping. I want to know what you would do if you were in my situation and how you behave, choose and act. I don’t think you’d do what I have been doing and I think you’d behave with a bit more honour. I don’t get it.
On the face of it, the weekend was marvellous – Eagles concert, Warren’s place (more about that later), Graham and meeting Stewart. But I don’t know where to put it all in my mind. I don’t know how to reconcile it with where I am at the moment and the situation that I find Warwick and myself in.
I don’t know how to stand up for me without either being strident or acting like a victim. Warren said something to me that hurt me and I didn’t know what to say – I just turned away. It turned out that was just his sense of humour and he was teasing but I hadn’t picked up on it and I hadn’t, ‘til several minutes after (and then only because of how you had taught me to be more positive), said that he needn’t have said what he did. And he said, "Do you have to be so serious all the time?" I honestly don’t know sometimes when people are joking and when they are not – twenty-five years in this country and I still don’t "get" their sarcasm. Anyway, I feel hurt and a bit rejected and it’s not sitting very well.
But here’s some more about my trip to Warren’s. He lives in Picton, which is a ways from Sydney. After you get away from the sprawl of suburbia the land becomes more hilly – I love hilly or mountainous country so it was good just to see it from the highway – that alone was a treat. I arrived at the place where he lives just as it was growing dark so I didn’t get a good view of where I was at other than the house was at the end of a long drive lined with tall shrubs and there were paddocks with cattle all around. Warren and I went back up to a place called Campbelltown, stopping on the way at his daughter’s. She was a very, very sweet and spontaneous girl. Then Warren took me to a club for dinner, a play on the poker machines and in the lounge listening to a band. Warren’s a muso and he wasn’t altogether keen on the group and we left after the first set to return to Picton. On the way back, I saw a shooting star (I saw a wombat, too – how funny!). When we got back to his house we stood and looked awhile at the stars (in Sydney, you see about fifty or so; in Campbelltown we probably saw two hundred – in Picton there were 100s and 100s of thousands – millions – of them!) We could see the cloud-like streak of the Milky Way and I saw another shooting star. Some glittered and twinkled and with some the colours changed as you watched them. There were so many that the constellations were hard to see – lost in the vast number. Warren talked about them (he didn’t seem to think that I knew anything about them) and how he has a chair right there on the patio that he gets out to just sit and watch them. (Did that remind me of you and Don or what?)
We listened to music, he sang and showed me his guitars and I stayed overnight. In the morning it seemed like he wanted me to leave so I did. I didn’t discuss it, I didn’t ask – I just left. It was early enough (eight o’clock maybe) that the mist was still caught in the branches of the trees and I could finally see where I was. "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" came on the iPod, followed by "Take It Easy" and I sang (loudly!) all the way back to Sydney (later on in the trip ZZ Top came on). There was wattle blooming (little bright yellow spheres of blossoms on ferny grey-green foliage) along the highway – I would have picked some if there had been a safe place to stop: somewhere, I am sure, some bees thought that they were in Heaven.
I am trying to live by the code that I saw you live by but I need your help. I wish that we could talk about it; I want to see what you think. This isn’t helped by the fact that Rick is in England on holidays at the moment and I can’t bounce any ideas off him like I usually do. He’s my best mate (in the Australian sense!) and I miss him.
You take care, Keith, and know that I love you. I haven’t been missing you as much as I did – I guess ‘cuz there is so much going on at the moment. But you are never, ever very far from my thoughts. I know that we should have hooked up – you never got to know me like you should have and we both missed out in that regard. You completely conquered this Aussie’s heart.
Be well and at peace –
- love, Susan
