August 13, 2005

Saturday, 13 August 2005 [12 noon]:

Keith –

Right now, in Canada, it’s just 7 p.m. on the twelfth – exactly six months ago your friends would have been gathering at your house to celebrate your life with them and relive all the pleasant days gone by. I know they knew it was the last time.

Yesterday the twelfth of February came flooding back – no, flooding isn’t the right word: it was more confronting, like coming up against a barrier or unclimbable wall. Every single detail of that day in Chinatown came back with a startling clarity – the sounds of the drums and cymbals; the loud, almost deafening roar of the firecrackers; the torn, shredded paper - like confetti on the pavement after the crackers had exploded. The banners of the kung fu clubs and the lion costumes and the streets thronged with people. And through it all, my worried, distracted brain chanting the mantra "you should be on the plane right now, you should be on the plane".

But I did it your way, Keith, just the way you wanted it. I hope, at the very, very end you remembered that. That you remembered that I always put you first and tried, in every way possible, to please you and make it better for you.

Honey, I am so sorry at the way it all played out. It could have been so much better but we both did the best that we could. Having just said that I am sorry, I have to again point out that I have absolutely no regrets about anything.

I love you and I always will; I miss you and I always will. Rest easy, Keith –

- Susan

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