early Thursday morning, 4 August 2005 [12:45 a.m.]:
My Keith –Hi, honey. It’s been an odd night tonight and I don’t know where I am at in my head at all. But I have on some Native American music that is very soothing and helps keep my emotions from having a knock down, drag out dust up for supremacy. Warren – what to make of Warren? I know you know that I always look for the best in others (and often the worst in myself) and he has me mystified. I have no idea how to act and am getting no feedback. Graham is being a treasure and manages to bolster me up – I don’t know what I’d do without him.
Anyway, tonight has been a night of music – downloaded the Eagles "Hell Freezes Over" album and several singles, also Vonda Shepard’s "Baby, Don’t You Break My Heart Slow". Have you ever heard it?
Today I went back to the gym after who knows how long – that bronchitis was so bad and then that female thing happened – but now I’m back. Spent 45 minutes on the treadmill and guess what got me through it? – ZZ Top’s "Antenna" album. I think I like "Girl In A T-Shirt" and "Deal Goin’ Down" best. I sure as hell wish I knew which ZZ Top song you played me on your truck CD player over the ‘phone that time – I’d like to hear it again and know it was the one.
Haven’t heard from Don. The postage money has come out of my account** but I don’t think that Don has claimed it yet – I am pretty sure that he would write me if he had. He just hasn’t found a good enough reason to go all the way to Vancouver yet and I can’t blame him. He’s a nice man, Keith (but then you knew that).
Honey, I really could use a visit from you – it’s been a while since your spirit visited me and things seem to be getting a bit rocky right now. I really was sailing there for a while and was happy like I hadn’t been since before you died. But the walls are coming in a bit and all my bravado is tumbling down. Please help before things get too bad. The sixth month anniversary of our last ‘phone call and your death is coming up soon and I’ve been warned to expect a downturn. Thanks for helping me be as steady as I have been and thank you so very, very much for helping me to see the courage that I need to own to believe in myself as fully as I should. My Mom used to say, "Susan, if you keep making a doormat of yourself, people will continue to wipe their feet on you". And a couple are wiping away right now (or at least trying to).
Please tell Clayton ‘Hello’ – I’m wondering how different his music is to this that I am listening to. Give yourself an absolutely huge hug from me. Love always –
- Susan
**It's been deducted from my bank and put into Paypal's account where they hold it until it's claimed - and they get the interest from all the unclaimed funds.
posted by Susan @ 1:15 am
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