October 31, 2005

early Monday morning, 31 October 2005 [1:25 a.m.]:

Honey, I gotta be quick ‘cuz it’s late.

It’s almost November – that magical month when we met. I can hardly believe it’s come ‘round again – it is going to bring with it so many memories.

You miserable bugger! You should have taught me more! Now I’m buying fly rods and reels and don’t know a damn thing! What do the numbers about the rods mean, what about the "leader" and is it possible to find one that doesn’t cost the earth and breaks down to something under four feet in length!!??!! I won an eBay auction tonight with 10 nice salmon and trout flies – I am hoping my fishing rod/flies will keep me in food ‘cuz I sure can’t carry enough to keep me going the time it’s going to take me to get up that river. And tonight I found a site that has the level of the Skeena at Usk in real time. You never, ever thought I’d do this, did you? You should have let me come, Keith, you really should have – you have way underestimated me.

It is so funny, I am learning so much about the area – I know a lot more than many, many Canadians that I am running into. And I will go berserk when I get those 1 : 50,000 topo maps!

I’ve decided that when I come back from my trip, I am going to give fly-tying a go. I reckon I’ll be pretty good at it. Well, at least I can make an artistic fly – whether or not the fish think it’s cool is something else altogether! I keep thinking about you in that article where you whipped out some oarsman flies on the back of the Hummer. You just rock, dude!

I don’t know why but I lay in bed the other night and had a big cry. You seem so tantalisingly close to me sometimes and sometimes I don’t really believe that you are gone at all. How can the world even function without you? You were such a positive force for good.

Poor Don – he blew his truck’s transmission on the way down to Van and got stuck in some tiny town for days and had to pay out a small fortune to get it fixed. And I am here packing ‘cuz I hadn’t heard back that he had sent the package! He’s a great guy – I hope that I get to meet him in the summer. I know he’s into hunting but dunno about hiking – maybe he’d want to come with me. It would be OK if any of your friends wanted to come with me – but no way I’d take any strangers. This is, I suppose, sort of a sacred thing not an excursion – I have decided that while I am on the Skeena trail, I am not going to play my iPod. I want to focus completely on you and on the river and I might even get a small digital recorder to record the river and bird and whatever sounds.

Anyway, my heart’s treasure, I’m calling it quits and going to bed. Thank you for everything (and there was HEAPS that you did for me and continues to be). I love you –

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 1:40 am 0 comments

October 27, 2005

Thursday evening, 27 October 2005 [9:40 p.m.]:

Hey yas, Keith!

Oh, hon, I have been so tired the last few days, and I don’t know why. (There were a spate of late nights but I’ve never been one to go to bed early.) I was going to go to bed just a few minutes ago but I got to thinking that I haven’t been to be this early since I was a kid at home!

Been shopping eBay for camping/hiking/fishing stuff. Boy, do I have a lot to learn about fly-fishing!! All this business about the weight and the tapered leader (??) and whether the flys are wet or dry. I wish that you had taught me more or pointed me in the direction of a good book – and don’t even get me started on "patterns" – LOL! And I (selfishly) wish that I had some more of your gear besides your beloved Sage hat. You had some great "Bare" stuff – but thinking about it, I probably couldn’t handle carrying your waders anyway, I will just have too much stuff to carry. This is exciting and a bit scary and heaps of fun so far – the bloody topo maps are going to cost just under $CAN168 (and that’s just the paper ones – imagine what the Tyvex ones would cost)!!

Honey, I’m sleepy and I have to put Ruffie to bed and crawl into bed myself.

Thinking of you always –

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 9:45 pm 0 comments

October 23, 2005

Sunday, 23 October 2005 [9:30 p.m.]:

Heyya, Grizz.

Been doing all sorts of things (but of course I haven’t stopped missing you). I’ve met some nice people (Chuck from Dawson Creek, BC, for instance and he reminds me of you some times) and some real jerks (Steve from Richmond – yuck!). Having a whale of a time with Google Earth and last night I went out with Slav for coffee at a place that Warwick had recommended and wound up picking the first jacaranda of the season for you from the Church Street Bridge over the Parramatta River. It’s on my bedside table in front of your picture and I’d like to take a photo of it but I have to get new batteries for the camera. I found out they were used up when I went to take a photo yesterday. Ruffie attacked a really nice pastel blue hoodie that I had on the line and I had to re-wash it (can’t fix all the holes she put in it, tho) and when I went out to bring it in there was a pretty moth that had decided the cuff was a perfect place for camouflage. Just one of those nice natural moments.

I haven’t heard back from Don! There is a tiny part of me that’s worried and scared that maybe Alison got rid of your package or something so he can’t send it and doesn’t want to have to be the one to tell me. Poor Don, he’s been the meat in the sandwich all along. I like him so much and I’m hoping he doesn’t have to go through something like this just for my sake. But I’m really scared. (Tears right now, too.)

How good it will be to be on the Skeena! You just have to be the Grizz that looks out for me and keeps the other bears away! And I’m hoping that maybe Don can help me to work out a way to contact your daughter if she would like to. I’m so grateful that Don made me think about the season – I mean I’ve only just found out that they get so much snow in Kitimat that the town’s symbol is a snowflake! Damn, it’s been years since I’ve been snowshoeing – that has just brought back some very old memories.

Honey, I’m going to go – I think I’ll spend some time tonight looking at some websites in the Hazelton area and looking at finding some contacts in the area.

Sweet dreams for us both –
- love, Susan

posted by Susan @ 10:00 pm 0 comments

October 19, 2005

Wednesday night, 19 October 2005 [10:15 p.m.]:

Hey, there, Keith!

The strangest thing just happened – I had only *just* met someone on LL and we switched to MSN and straightaway they said "so - do you mind me asking who Keith is??" and I just felt my guts drop. I thought, "OMG – this person has read my blog!". Turns out I had downloaded a new version of Messenger today and now if you have something in your "My Space" page it automatically puts it in your contact card (and I can’t find out how to delete it).

Hon, I’ve been having the best time organising this trip! Today I won a 70 L backpack on eBay (there was a nicer one that was 75 L that I liked better but it was going for a lot more money). I was up until 2:45 a.m. last night going over maps and looking at topo maps of the area north from Hazelton and visiting and labelling rivers and lakes on Google Earth. Honey, you would LOVE it! Too bad it wasn’t available before you died because we could have spent lots of time going over the province with you showing me where you took that picture and shot that bear, etc.

Another thing I am looking forward to is just pitching my tent at night (and sunset will be real late due to the ‘midnight sun’ and all that) and then just kicking back and looking at the stars like you and Don used to do. I’ll admit that I’m a bit nervous about bear but I’ll get my hands on a couple of marine flares and I’ll be fine. Wozza is stressing a little – he wants me to have a GPS for safety sake (gotta be on the lookout for those killer porcupines! – LOL!) Even if I had one and needed to use it, I’d have to have one of the expensive ones that sends out an emergency beacon – as if I’m going to get mobile phone (cell) coverage up there!

So it’s all just full on right now – the jacarandas are blooming their beautiful heads off; I’m devouring maps, atlases, Google Earth and websites; and I’ve met some nice BC Canucks on LL. **And Don is mailing your package soon – yay!!** God’s in his heaven and all’s right with the world (except for the sobering fact that your not in it any more and I miss you so much. We’d have so much fun planning this trip together and I’m pretty sure you’d think that what I am intending to do is pretty cool. Feel honoured, Keith, because that is what I am trying to do, to honour you.) It’s driving me crazy wondering if you included Clayton’s book or not. I think I told you that I’m going to stop in to Bella Coola and see if I can find where Clayton is buried and leave some jacaranda for him, too. It is awesome the arrangement that you two had and I want to thank him for the comfort he gave you. I could see that the knowledge that he’d be there for you made it a lot easier for you to face the end. So, he has my love and thanks and I know he knows it. And just like he was there for you, so you promised to be there for me but I try to be patient and find the things that I am meant to do in this life and not try to hasten the time when I can finally see you.

Hon, I’m going to go and I think I’ll send a quick note to Don – he’s been a long time down in Vancouver, eh?

Look down and be happy for me – except for being upset about Graham (who rang today – I thought I’d die) – things have been pretty much on a roll. Only unpleasant thing on the horizon is that I have to get the car registered by the 3rd of November. An expensive exercise.

I love you, handsome –

- your Susan

posted by Susan @ 10:45 pm 0 comments

October 15, 2005


Keith on his beloved Polaris sled, ice fishing on the lake. Where are your gloves, dude? The Grizz looks really, really tired in this picture if you look at a closeup - judging from the way he looks, I'd say this picture was taken in January 2005. Posted by Picasa

posted by Susan @ 9:10 pm 0 comments

Saturday night, 15 October 2005 [8:15 p.m.]:

Grizz –

Been down a lot the last few days [look how long it’s been since I’ve written!] and last night while I waited in bed for sleep to come (and it took a lot longer than it should’ve) these tears started oozing out of my eyes. It didn’t seem like "real" crying and I didn’t make a sound but the tears just slid down my cheeks. When I woke up this morning, I could see that I had been weeping in my sleep, too – there were dried tears all in my lashes and on my lower eyelids and cheeks.

Honey, you are the one who taught me how to be generous, how to be loving, how to anticipate needs, how to prioritise, how to be there for someone, how to love. I never loved anybody before like I love you and I never had anyone teach me like you have done. I hope that one day I will find someone else who will help me to be all that I can be. People have always said that I was generous but you brought it out of me in a new way and I am grateful to you for that. I will always, always honour you, Keith, in the way you asked me to do. But don’t forget I’m human and stuck, for now, down here on Earth and sometimes I make mistakes and aren’t always the person that I hope and try to be. But I know that, until we meet, that you will always help me and be that strong tree that I need in my life to anchor myself to when everything seems set to fall around me.

Just to show how down I am, I haven’t played any music in the last two days – that is sooo not like me! I’m going to put some on now and try to reply to some of the mail that I have had from Lavalife. I tried the other night and it sounded so stilted and strange and not at all like me, so I just gave up and I’ll try again now. It’s funny but usually I don’t have any problem at all writing but I guess I’m a little raw about Graham still.

Oh, one drawback of putting off the trip to the Skeena – I won’t be able to see ZZ Top in concert! This is where you wish you were really wealthy and could just fly over to catch a couple of shows. Maybe I’ll get to see them some other time – they might even do an Australian tour!

Going to go and try to write some of the dudes on Lavalife – some of them sound really nice. Going to drop a short note to Don – he hasn’t written yet to say that he’s mailed your package yet. It’s 3:30 Saturday morning there so the earliest he’ll be able to post it now is Monday – I am all beside myself with anticipation! It would be really, really nice if he sees your daughter if she asked how to get in touch with me. I would so like to get to know her (having given up on Alison). But I think it’s best if she does the asking and not me and I also think that it’s pretty unlikely that she will. But sometimes you just never know.

I imagine the air in heaven is just like the air on the Skeena and it will be wonderful to eventually be there in that place that is so close to your heart. I wish you had told me more about it. Why did it happen that we were all so separate from each other? I want to meet everyone – Don, Paul, your daughter, Jimmi, Bruno, Marty, the pilot, Mario – and I want us to know that you made us special, that we stand for each other, that we are always there for each other. I’m so alone, honey, and I could use feeling like I was on a team. I don’t know if that makes any sense – I mean after all your daughter has her Mum and Craig and her cousins and Grandma and friends from Uni I’m sure. (If I never get the chance to smack Craig upside the head, I sure hope that your daughter does – that poor, stupid, idiotic boy.)

I’m going to go – I was going to go out tonight but I am just too down to make the effort. Love you, honey.

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 9:00 pm 0 comments

October 12, 2005

Wednesday, 12 October 2005 [9:30 p.m.]:

Hey ya’, Keith!

How are you, sweetheart? Of course, I thought about you lots today, but instead of thinking of the last stages when you were ill, instead I thought of when we met and the first couple of weeks that we knew each other. It was good, wasn’t it, hon? Really, it was all good and I don’t regret a thing. I think sometimes that you regretted hurting me – but don’t you see? – you never hurt me because you never meant to. I can’t imagine ever loving anyone as much as I came to love you – and all the more surprising because it was so unexpected.

Had to post the previous post just a short time ago. Ruffie chewed on the modem cable and I let it dry off overnight and sort of reformed the insulation and shielding and wrapped it all up in fabric tape – and I’m back on the air! Tomorrow or Saturday I’ll go get another modem cable. Warwick took the other, larger Mitsubishi monitor over to his Dad’s house and, wouldn’t you know it, I am starting to get problems with this monitor. It’s getting very dark and earlier this evening the image on the screen was sort of wiggling a bit from side to side. The only place that I knew that sold secondhand monitors is closed and I don’t know where to go to get one. I will have to get a used one, as I just can’t afford a new one (after all, I am trying to save up for my trip to BC).

Talk about the unexpected – several Canadian gentlemen are going to wake up to smiles from me on Lavalife tomorrow morning. Boy, I sure wish there was a way to delete cities like Victoria and Vancouver from the searches – if I’m going to make a big life-changing move like that, I’m not just going to trade in one city (Sydney) for another – and one with colder weather and more rain!! No, I’m looking for someone like you who loves the outdoors and animals and lives a life closer to nature. You Canadians are so polite and helpful – it is such a refreshing change!

I think it’s another one of our coincidences that your ashes were scattered so close to where I was working outside of Wrangell, AK. I’d love to know how far up the Skeena they took you – I would so, so very much like to give your daughter a hug, I wish she knew how often I think of her and of you. I don’t believe that she doesn’t want any contact but I do believe that is the way that Alison wants it. I reckon it’s kind of convoluted thinking and I don’t pretend to understand it at all.

K, hon, going to finish up here. Hope you are well and happy – you deserve to be. Love you heaps –

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 9:35 pm 0 comments

Tuesday, 11 October 2005 [9:30 p.m.]:

K.D. –

Hey ya’, hon! In spite of it being eight months tomorrow since you passed away, I have been pretty darn happy considering. Chalk it up to that letter from Don and knowing your package will soon be on its way. I have to admit that I got a bit choked up on the train home today – not exactly sure why but I had to fight to keep in control and stop the tears from raining down.

Couple of things happened today – had to go into our Main Campus in the city to do the first day of a two-day database course (Microsoft Access). The course was pretty interesting and the manual that they supplied was excellent. It will make a great resource when it comes time for me to troubleshoot the two legacy databases that we have in the Postgraduate department.

Main Campus was gorgeous – the jacaranda tree in the Main Quad is getting bigger and bigger and it actually looked as if you could see the blossoms starting to form on the tips of the branches – it looks like a warm Spring and an early Summer. They have done a lot of restoration work on Campus and it is certainly a romantic setting with all the old Gothic revival buildings (complete with gargoyles!). Do you remember that little card that I sent you with the picture taken in the Main Quad with the jacaranda blossoms tucked inside? I didn’t know you that well then but you sure were supportive of me when it came time for me to graduate from there. Thanks you so much for all the many, many ways that you tried to look after me. (Aw, sh*t, here come the tears again.)

During lunch today I went to one of the libraries on Campus (there are quite a few!). I got out a book specifically on PV, one on leukemia cells and another on clinical haematology. Had a squiz at a number of journal articles the other day – I’m trying to bring my knowledge of the disease up to speed sufficient for me to be able to converse with the researchers (mainly in Adelaide) already working it. Researchers at a couple of hospitals there won a large grant from the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in the U.S. and my understanding is that grants aren’t given outside the U.S. that often. I am hoping to contact a woman on the research team in the hopes that she can help frame my research question. The haematology text is big enough to make a good doorstop – I just had a look and it’s 1,896 pages long!

Another thing happened today – Ruffie got under the desk (she likes to get under there when I am on the computer) – AND SHE CHEWED THROUGH THE MODEM CABLE! When the damn thing dries out, I am going to try and wrap it with duct tape and see if I can get a signal then. I can’t believe it – and it’s an $88 call out fee (for the first fifteen minutes!) not including parts. I am going to go to a couple of electronics place and see how much it costs to buy one (doesn’t need to be very long) and just connect it up myself. I can’t believe it – I have so little money right now and it yanks my chain to have to spend it on something like that. And I can’t do anything about it until payday ‘cuz I have like $16 to my name.

K, hon, I’ve got to go – I don’t want another late night (and I can sleep in tomorrow – yippee!). I’ve kind of felt you around me lately so it’s been good (bittersweet, but good). It’s just fantastic to read about all the wonderful places in BC in these two guidebooks that I’ve received – I even know that the name "Skeena" means "River of Mist" in Gitksan. It sounds lovely around there, honey, and I can surely see why you would want to be there.

OK, time for a little scientific reading [and maybe some BC guidebooks thrown in ;-) ]. I will think of you constantly tomorrow – how my brain kept saying "You should be on the plane!" over and over that day Warwick and I were in Chinatown. And I should have been on the plane, too, Keith – I really should have been there.

Rest easy, sweetheart, there is lots of love headed your way (and not just from me, but from all your friends and family). Thanks for being there for me when I needed it (and for those times when I didn’t even realise that I did). You had a knack, hon, in teasing out the best in people – maybe because you were the best yourself.

Love ya’ heaps and miss ya’ lots –

- always your Susan

posted by Susan @ 9:15 pm 0 comments

October 10, 2005

late Sunday, 9 October 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:

Keith –

Wow! What a day today has been! Early this morning, while I was still in bed (6:45 a.m.), the computer chimed to signal that an email had come in. It was early and I was all snuggly in bed and I wasn’t expecting anything spectacular so I just stayed in bed. It wasn’t ‘til later that I looked – AND DON HAS WRITTEN !!!! I am sooo chuffed! You couldn’t wipe the grin off my face with a baseball bat.

The big news – I have just now found out that your ashes weren’t scattered over East Arm like I thought – but way up north over the Skeena River somewhere. That must have been some trip for your daughter, eh? That’s the other news and it’s not great for me – your pilot mate has retired and moved to the Yukon Territory and Paul has sold the ranch and bought a fifth wheeler and is travelling around the southern U.S. (carefully avoiding Louisiana and Texas, I am sure). What, do you suppose, has happened to poor Sunny? I hope she hasn’t been too confused by all that has happened since you saw her on the 10th of February.

I wrote Don a l-o-n-g letter and asked his advice about a couple of things (including that "April" thing that always had me guessing). He’ll be in Vancouver and I guess he’ll get the package from Alison on Monday (which is Thanksgiving Day for you Canucks) and I think he’ll mail it on Tuesday – I am sooo excited! Finally, finally I will have it! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for sending it to me, especially when you were sick. I hope like hell that you have written a nice letter to go with it. But whatever comes, I will be so grateful to you – and so very, very grateful to Don. I’m getting a tad weepy just thinking about it and I will cry inconsolably when I get it – I know just holding it in my hands will be such an emotional thing for me. And when I finally see that salt-stained brim of that beloved Sage hat, the tears will pour forth like Horseshoe Falls I am sure. They will be tears of joy and tears of loss and tears of gratefulness. I have been so very, very blessed to have been able to have met you and come to love you and to have you think that I was (and am!) your friend.

Now the Skeena in winter will be a very, very difficult thing and I am coming to believe that I won’t be able to make it for our "anniversary". I can’t remember when you said your birthday was (I am so embarrassed to say it – but that was so early in our relationship and I had no idea back then that I was going to go and fall in love with you) but maybe that would be a good time to come. Anyway, Grizz, you shall have your jacaranda tree – let me make that my third promise to you. What a shame I didn’t think of it before you died and I could have let you know and you could have told me more about the Skeena River before you left us. My friend Tom, from Duncan, is submitting the plant inspection paperwork to Ottawa on my behalf so there is plenty of time now to get the permit.

Don actually sounded like he was OK about us meeting. How excellent that would be! I will have to bring a tape recorder to get all the stories down (if he doesn’t mind). Not only would it be just fantastic to hear stories about you but Don seems like such a lovely person and it would be great to get to know him on his own.

Today was a big day on the Australian motor racing calendar – it was the day of the Bathurst 1000 V8 Super Cars. Graham took me up to Mount Panorama in Bathurst earlier this year and he even let me drive his practically brand new Holden V8 Commodore on a few laps. It was a great experience and it made today’s race all the more interesting since I knew first-hand how treacherous corners like "The Dipper" are. So, of course, that made me think often about Graham today. But I couldn’t be sad – not with having that email from Don in my Inbox this morning!

Honey, I have to go. It’s just gone midnight and I have a few things to do before I can get ready for bed. My brain is going: "Vancouver, then ferry to Prince Rupert, hitch to Hazelton, beg, borrow, steal lift on plane or jetboat or sled or Hummer up as far as I can get – to First Cabin, at least." Or there’s the script that goes: "Vancouver to Hope, north on Highway 97 to Prince George, stopping at 108 Mile Ranch and Quesnel Lake on the way. Then NW on Highway 16 to Hazelton, do the Skeena thing, then west to Prince Rupert. Ferry down to Vancouver, stopping at Bella Coola to leave some flowers for Clayton on the way. And Don, taking some time to see Don." (Of course I'll stop in Duncan to see Tom, too.)

So there you go, things finally seem to be coming together. I have really been stressing lately over a lot of things and now it seems as if things are finally starting to come together. As you know, the last year and a half have been really hard on me so it is great to finally have things start to come together. Keith, you are the second most important thing in my life and the second nicest person that I have ever met. You have shared so much of yourself with me and taught me so many things and tried like hell to make my life better. Many, many people do not understand where I am coming from but if they knew me better and knew you at all and knew what we shared they would understand what it is all about.

Time for me to say goodnight. You can rest easy, too, knowing that the things that you wanted me to have are on their way. Aren’t we lucky to have Don as a friend! Love ya’, you big, handsome Canuck!

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 12:45 am 0 comments

October 08, 2005


My Gra - this was the photo I took to replace the awful one that he had posted. (Funny that Jennie didn't pay him any interest until after this photo was put up.) He looks happy because we were then. I never dreamed that this photo would be the thing that took him away from me. Ah, something else 'swept away'.

excerpt from "Wasted Time" - The Eagles

The autumn leaves have got you thinking
about the first time that you fell -
you didn’t love the boy too much; no, no,
you just loved the boy too well. Posted by Picasa

posted by Susan @ 11:45 am 0 comments


Ruffie and "Gra", 21 August 2005 - the day we brought Ruffie home. Posted by Picasa

posted by Susan @ 11:36 am 0 comments

Saturday, 8 October 2005 [9:45 a.m.]:

K.D. –

None of your friends have emailed or written – I think that they should be ashamed. (Look, it has been FOUR months since Don wrote – surely he should have had some time off in that time. The only thing that I can think of is that something has happened to a family member or someone and he has had to attend to that for which I am heartily sorry.) While they can make it a lot more difficult and expensive for me (and they are, trust me, they are), they cannot stop me from coming. I would have thought that they would see the sense in me coming in November/December instead of waiting until the one year anniversary of your death when, I suspect, there will be a fair amount of grieving going on, both inside your family and without. I’ve received both BC guidebooks but there isn’t a whole hell of a lot written on the 100 Mile House / Williams Lake (except for the rodeo) / Quesnel area especially in terms of hunting and fishing. And the only inexpensive places for me to stay are in campgrounds that are, at that time of year, either closed or under a metre of snow! Fancy me, with a weeny one-person tent, hitchhiking on Highway 97 in the snow! LOL! (BTW: I have already purchased a pair of gloves – that probably sounds ridiculous to you but, except for the ski fields, nobody wears gloves. ;-P )

Venus remains the most beautiful thing in the sky and I don’t know why she has been so impossibly huge and gorgeous in the west. Is it you, honey, your way of saying hello and being with me? You always said that we’d meet in the end and that I could be with you in the stars. Oh, God! How I am looking forward to seeing Ursa Major after so many, many years! And two days ago the moon was the tiniest sliver of a crescent lying on her back.

Of course, I have to write about Graham (my "Gra"). Last night I told him that if he wanted to pursue Jennie and others that was fine, but if that was the case I didn’t want him to Message me, write me, ‘phone me, email me, SMS me, etc. I told him to get his head straight about what he wants and if he decided that I was going to be number one in his life then I would welcome him back. If not, I don’t want to hear from him again**. He was fairly shocked and didn’t see it coming (that good old pre-emptive strike). He was expecting, I think, to gently tell me that he wanted to pursue Jennie and put me on a "good friend’s" basis and he was expecting a flood of tears (which he is terrified of) – he got none. I had to tell myself all afternoon beforehand "no matter what, don’t cry; no matter what, don’t cry" and I was proud that I didn’t. You know, Keith, I have never, ever given anyone an ultimatum like that – I am quite shocked myself. But I’m worth it [thank you (and to, a certain extent, Graham) for showing me a positive view of myself] and deserve more than he was willing to give. I am sure that I will never see him again which is a shame. I was there for him when his wife dumped on him, I picked him up and dusted him off and gave him his wings. If he wants to fly away from me, well, that is his choice. **I did tell him that if anything happened to Jo or to the boys that he could call me at any time. Graham and I have a lot of history and I didn’t feel right in taking all that away from him if he should ever need it to help him weather some personal storm.

I have come to another very, very sad decision – I have to sell Ruffie. The ad will be in the paper on the 13th. She is so smart and so active and she is destroying everything in the house and yard. Graham was going to build her a doghouse but it kept getting put off and put off (and, under the circumstances, I couldn’t accept his help to build it or do anything else around here now) and I didn’t want to leave her chained up or in the yard (she’d dig under the fences) while I am at work. (I can’t remember if I said but there is a possibility I might be getting a full-time, permanent position at the University.) Auburn is not a very good neighbourhood and I worry that if I leave her lose in the yard, someone will take her. She’s a purebred cattle dog and an intact female at that so she is worth a fair bit of money. God, she is so cute and so sweet! It breaks my heart to have to sell her and I don’t know how I will say goodbye to her on the day but I am getting a whole lot of experience at having my heart broken these days so I suspect that I’ll be getting good at it. Losing you, honey, was the biggest heartbreak of my life. I never told you, but I had a miscarriage – a little boy I named Ian Morgan – and I miss him sometimes. Losing you has broken my heart in a far bigger way than losing him and my Mom and Dad and all my sisters and Andy and Peter T. (Wozza’s Dad) and just everyone all rolled into one. Why, I don’t know and I never meant to put a heavy trip on you and I don’t think that I did while you were still alive, at least I earnestly hope not. Who knows what, if any use, my heart could be put to after having it broken so many times and it is, I am sure, riddled with more scar tissue than anything else.

Got to go – really thirsty. I have sort of stopped eating again. One evening in the previous weekend (Sunday maybe, I don’t recall) Graham took me to a buffet and that was the last time that I really ate a real meal. Not really doing it on purpose just not hungry. I noticed in the mirror at the club last night that my face looked quite thin. I probably needed to lose some weight in my face anyway. Wish I could go back to the gym and do some weight machines (I really like them!) and some cardio – my midriff section could use some toning up.

There was something else that I wanted to say but it’s slipped my mind. I don’t doubt that I’ll remember it later and I’ll write you again then.

BTW: I have decided that after the trip and after I get my teeth fixed and buy a refrigerator (you’d flip out if you saw what I am using – you just don’t understand how little money we have) that I am definitely going to go ahead and get that large tatt – what it looks like is still a secret! ;-)

Got to go have something to drink and have my shower and start cleaning up after Ruffie.

I know that you know just how much I love and miss you but sometimes I just like saying it. You were just the best, best thing and ought to be celebrated. Always and forever –

- Susan

P.S.: Graham used to have a special name for me. He called me "Sooosnn". He was a very sweet man and will be very much missed.

posted by Susan @ 11:15 am 0 comments

October 06, 2005


Keith's picture that I mention in the post below. This must be an older pic as he's wearing his "Scientific Anglers" hat and not 'my' "Sage" one.  Posted by Picasa

posted by Susan @ 9:36 am 0 comments

Thursday morning, 6 October 2005 [9:15 a.m.]:

Keith –

Forgot to tell you that I got a couple more windchimes – one looks just like a boned rainbow trout with just the head and tail intact. Small tubular horizontal bars mimic the bones and are what makes it chime. The colours are perfect and remind me of your photo with the rainbow wearing your Bare fishing shirt and featuring your fat fingers – LOL!

Going in to the Library at Uni today to begin my PV research in earnest. Have another perfect day, just like you deserve.

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 9:30 am 0 comments

October 05, 2005

Wednesday, 5 October 2005 [7:45 p.m.]:

Keith –

Hi, hon. Had the day off from work and went to a skin clinic to have a mole removed – but the one that my chain had been irritating (and the reason why I made the appointment) had fallen off! But, he did take two tiny ones off my back.

I paid off my new bracelet – it’s a black band with a sterling silver clasp and sterling and cubic zirconia letters that spell out K-E-I-T-H. The letters are about 8 mm (3/8th in) tall. I am awfully proud to be wearing it and so proud to be someone that you considered to be a friend. You are a very, very special man. You know sometimes when I get a bit cranky with people, I think about you and that discussion that we had about being rude (you were always so sweet to me) and I try to honour you by being a more considerate person. Thanks for helping me take a step back sometimes.

Found out about a great airfare today going Sydney-Osaka-Los Angeles with a stopover in Osaka for 24 hours and including two meals and hotel at the airport. Warwick and I have flown to the U.S. this way before and it’s lots of fun. Plenty of time to take the train from the airport into Osaka and back. I’d get the Los Angeles – Vancouver flight in Los Angeles and probably be able to get it on a stand-by fare. Only two problems – JAL’s fare ends on 25 October and flights on days like 26 and 27 November are already fully booked. Damn! – I wish Don and who ever has your Post Office box would get back to me, this is all just taking too long and frustrates the crap out of me. But I have to admit that it’s been fun thinking about going to Japan again, if I had more $$$ I’d have a longer stopover and go up to Kyoto.

I am worried about Don – do you suppose he’s alright? I am positive that he’s the type of man whose word can be trusted and he promised me that he’d look after the package and email me when he sent it. Can it really, really be that long between times that he is home? Jeez, the guy needs to get a life (I know he thinks the same about me – LOL!). I will have to write him again, I’m afraid. I hope he hasn’t ditched his yahoo email account in a misguided attempt to avoid me! He no longer even needs to mail the thing, I can pick it up from somewhere myself. The Lonely Planet guide to BC that I got is pretty lame – no mention of Abbotsford, for instance, and they say "108 Mile HOUSE" – LOL! Oh, well, it’s a start plus I have that lovely person up at Quesnel that says he’ll help and a guy in Barkerville that I need to get back to, too.

OK, honey, got to go and start on some letters. I felt lots better today, thank God. (In spite of the fact that Ruffie made a mess of the house again - ;-( - she well and truly deserves the title "Destructo Dog" that Graham gave her.)

‘bye for now, hon – love you…

- Tiger Woman

posted by Susan @ 8:30 pm 0 comments

Wednesday, 5 October 2005 [2:00 p.m.]:

Grizz –

Oh, honey, I have had the most awful thought! If I did meet someone in rural/semi-rural Canada or the US, how will I be able to keep my second Promise to you? (Sometimes I almost feel that I’m your prisoner.) The only thing that I know what to do is to just carry on the way that I am now with doing the preliminary work and reading up while at the same time leaving my profile the way that it is and seeing what happens in that respect. Since I’m in Australia and looking to move to rural North America it’s likely that people won’t pick up on my profile since they won’t exactly look for someone in Oz!

Had another word with the people at the Post Office and, no, a redirection (forwarding) order doesn’t cover packages. She said that Alison should have sent it via registered post. ;-( Can you believe that I don’t have it after all these months and that I haven’t gotten news about it from Don? Soon it will be eight months since we spoke. I want so much to get your package and see the way you said goodbye to me in it. That’s why I’m coming to Canada – to have the goodbyes that we never said.

Sorry, I have to go – I miss you like oxygen… don’t let me drown here without you. Love –

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 2:10 pm 0 comments

early Wednesday, 5 October 2005 [12:15 a.m.]:

Keith –

Hi, hon, just me. (Who else would it be, LOL!)

Well, I was totally bold today and did a couple of bold things:

One – I rang Warren and asked him if I could go up to Queensland with him in his truck.

Two – I put a Profile up in Lavalife’s "Relationships" section. Here’s what I wrote:

"Hello from the upside-down part of the world! I’m an Aussie/Yank hybrid who has become disenchanted with life here in the frenetic bustle of Sydney’s western suburbs. After much thought, I have decided to look for a serious, long term relationship with an honest, caring Canadian man from a remote or smaller town (if you’re an American from a remote area in the northern states, I’d be happy to have contact with you as well). I am planning a trip to the Cariboo/Chilcotin, Thompson/Okanagan and Vancouver Island areas of BC sometime between late November and mid-February. I am a hard worker, very caring and generous and completely (often painfully) honest. I am University educated, well read and well travelled but hopefully not a snob! ;-) I am looking for a partner and a lifestyle based on respect, trust and mutual affection. It would great to find someone interested in the outdoor life, watching the myriad stars on a summer’s evening, dancing at the local pub, singing out loud to rock anthems, cooking up a storm in the kitchen and encouraging each other in personal pursuits like art, music, hunting, photography, camping, motorcycles, house building. If I decide to get a tatt, will you hold my hand while I get one? Will you save me from hairy spiders and promise not to tickle me? Would you ban me forever if I got a dent in your beloved pickup truck? If I wake you with kisses will you promise not to roll over and play dead? I’m very young for my age (see my Profile under ‘Dating’) and I know this whole process will take some time but let’s start communicating and perhaps meet over the winter and see where this takes us. BTW: I’ve got Metallica on right now and some curiously appropriate lyrics – "Trust I seek and I find in you, every day for us something new. Open mind for a different view - and nothing else matters"."

Well, that’s pretty bold I reckon and ya’ it looks like I’m looking for you all over again – and why the hell not? I know I’m not going to find you and I’m not going to see you again until you finally reach out your hand to me but there has to be somebody, somewhere for me. I’m too nice a person to just sort of waste away all on my own. So I’m moving on like you asked me to do and we’ll see where I wind up.

Miss you (and, no, I haven’t heard from Don).

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 12:25 am 0 comments

October 04, 2005

late Monday, 3 October 2005 [11:45 p.m.]:

K.D. –

Have you seen Venus lately? Perfectly huge and gorgeous and the first of the stars to grace the sky each night. She always bears thoughts of you when she rises.

Well at the risk of sounding negative, I have to say that things have been pretty crap around here the last week or so. No word from Don, no word from anybody. If they knew how that makes me feel, I am sure that they would contact me.

I miss you, miss you, miss you. [And you wouldn’t believe these Australian men – the ones that are your age look at least ten years older. I guess they weren’t lying about the hole in the ozone layer!!]

Just thought about Clayton – what ever happened to the autographed book of his that you had? And the blanket that his daughter made? I miss you, I miss your things, I miss your stories. I want to rub the flat of my hand across your shoulders and chest and feel your breath rising in you. You’ve rocked my world, turned everything on its head and, without meaning to do so, broken my heart. When I get to 108 and to Quesnel Lake I will try to make a start to put the pieces back together again.

Please help me, honey, I know that you can. Love always –

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 12:00 am 0 comments

October 01, 2005

1 October 2005 [1:00 a.m.]:

Hey ya’, Keith –

Hi, Hon, how ya’ doin’? I can’t believe it, but beautiful September is gone. I think it’s one of the nicest months – both there in North America and here in Australia.

Not much to report – I got my new mobile (cell) ‘phone today – damn! it is sooo small. You, with your fat fingers, wouldn’t be able to use the thing! It’s gonna take me a week to figure out all the features and how to use them – but I’ve already found a place with a decent "Rough Boy" polyphonic ring tone so at least I’ll have that right. ;-)

Was going to order a couple of t-shirts from that place I got those three for you from and was going to order one like the one that Jimmi took but then I changed my mind and decided to leave the $ in the bank. (Jesus, I wish to hell that Jimmi had my email address and gotten in contact.) Same thing happened at a music t-shirt place where I was going to order two ZZ Top t’s but changed my mind. Money is *really* tight and I am worried about how much I will have after I pay for the airfares and Greyhound ticket. In fact, I even was wondering today if maybe I shouldn’t try to go to Quesnel on the 12th of February instead of our "anniversary" date (LOL!) in November – I would have thought that by now I would have heard back from SOMEONE but no dice so far. I’m going around in a permanent state of nervous agitation with all the waiting. I know that some day, some day I will hear from Don again but it is so hard to be patient – it has almost been four months since I heard from him last! I was cool there for awhile but I’ve completely lost the plot again with all the waiting and not knowing and anticipation.

I may be getting a new job – one that’s permanent with sick leave, annual leave (vacation pay) and one day off a fortnight (every two weeks)! That will certainly alleviate a lot of stress – it always, always eats away at me that I could only get an hour’s notice and have no idea of how many hours I am working from week to week. I never, ever let you know how close to the bone Warwick and I lived ‘cuz you had your own problems and didn’t need to worry about me. I think you wouldn’t have been too impressed if you knew how much money I spent sending you stuff and how little money I had to work with. But it was so much fun to please you and make you happy and I loved it when you told me how happy I made you. I’d give you anything and do anything and you know that. I know you saw some negative things when you looked at me but I know you liked what you saw when you looked inside my heart. We met each other too late, you and I.

Well, I’m gonna go – dunno why but it always takes me ages to get ready for bed so tonight’s gonna be a late one. Now that I’ve got Ruffie, I can’t sleep in – when it gets good and light she wants to be let out and have a good old play in the backyard.

‘night, hon – look to that Northern Star and all of us will be together again (seeing Ursa Major again when I finally get to Canada will be so awesome). You knew I’d love you and miss you for a long time, didn’t you? Well, just bask in it and maybe let it make up for some of the times when things were hard and you didn’t get the love you should have. Here, in this heart, you are always cherished.

Stay well –

- Susan

posted by Susan @ 1:35 am 0 comments