Saturday, 8 October 2005 [9:45 a.m.]:
K.D. –None of your friends have emailed or written – I think that they should be ashamed. (Look, it has been FOUR months since Don wrote – surely he should have had some time off in that time. The only thing that I can think of is that something has happened to a family member or someone and he has had to attend to that for which I am heartily sorry.) While they can make it a lot more difficult and expensive for me (and they are, trust me, they are), they cannot stop me from coming. I would have thought that they would see the sense in me coming in November/December instead of waiting until the one year anniversary of your death when, I suspect, there will be a fair amount of grieving going on, both inside your family and without. I’ve received both BC guidebooks but there isn’t a whole hell of a lot written on the 100 Mile House / Williams Lake (except for the rodeo) / Quesnel area especially in terms of hunting and fishing. And the only inexpensive places for me to stay are in campgrounds that are, at that time of year, either closed or under a metre of snow! Fancy me, with a weeny one-person tent, hitchhiking on Highway 97 in the snow! LOL! (BTW: I have already purchased a pair of gloves – that probably sounds ridiculous to you but, except for the ski fields, nobody wears gloves. ;-P )
Venus remains the most beautiful thing in the sky and I don’t know why she has been so impossibly huge and gorgeous in the west. Is it you, honey, your way of saying hello and being with me? You always said that we’d meet in the end and that I could be with you in the stars. Oh, God! How I am looking forward to seeing Ursa Major after so many, many years! And two days ago the moon was the tiniest sliver of a crescent lying on her back.
Of course, I have to write about Graham (my "Gra"). Last night I told him that if he wanted to pursue Jennie and others that was fine, but if that was the case I didn’t want him to Message me, write me, ‘phone me, email me, SMS me, etc. I told him to get his head straight about what he wants and if he decided that I was going to be number one in his life then I would welcome him back. If not, I don’t want to hear from him again**. He was fairly shocked and didn’t see it coming (that good old pre-emptive strike). He was expecting, I think, to gently tell me that he wanted to pursue Jennie and put me on a "good friend’s" basis and he was expecting a flood of tears (which he is terrified of) – he got none. I had to tell myself all afternoon beforehand "no matter what, don’t cry; no matter what, don’t cry" and I was proud that I didn’t. You know, Keith, I have never, ever given anyone an ultimatum like that – I am quite shocked myself. But I’m worth it [thank you (and to, a certain extent, Graham) for showing me a positive view of myself] and deserve more than he was willing to give. I am sure that I will never see him again which is a shame. I was there for him when his wife dumped on him, I picked him up and dusted him off and gave him his wings. If he wants to fly away from me, well, that is his choice. **I did tell him that if anything happened to Jo or to the boys that he could call me at any time. Graham and I have a lot of history and I didn’t feel right in taking all that away from him if he should ever need it to help him weather some personal storm.
I have come to another very, very sad decision – I have to sell Ruffie. The ad will be in the paper on the 13th. She is so smart and so active and she is destroying everything in the house and yard. Graham was going to build her a doghouse but it kept getting put off and put off (and, under the circumstances, I couldn’t accept his help to build it or do anything else around here now) and I didn’t want to leave her chained up or in the yard (she’d dig under the fences) while I am at work. (I can’t remember if I said but there is a possibility I might be getting a full-time, permanent position at the University.) Auburn is not a very good neighbourhood and I worry that if I leave her lose in the yard, someone will take her. She’s a purebred cattle dog and an intact female at that so she is worth a fair bit of money. God, she is so cute and so sweet! It breaks my heart to have to sell her and I don’t know how I will say goodbye to her on the day but I am getting a whole lot of experience at having my heart broken these days so I suspect that I’ll be getting good at it. Losing you, honey, was the biggest heartbreak of my life. I never told you, but I had a miscarriage – a little boy I named Ian Morgan – and I miss him sometimes. Losing you has broken my heart in a far bigger way than losing him and my Mom and Dad and all my sisters and Andy and Peter T. (Wozza’s Dad) and just everyone all rolled into one. Why, I don’t know and I never meant to put a heavy trip on you and I don’t think that I did while you were still alive, at least I earnestly hope not. Who knows what, if any use, my heart could be put to after having it broken so many times and it is, I am sure, riddled with more scar tissue than anything else.
Got to go – really thirsty. I have sort of stopped eating again. One evening in the previous weekend (Sunday maybe, I don’t recall) Graham took me to a buffet and that was the last time that I really ate a real meal. Not really doing it on purpose just not hungry. I noticed in the mirror at the club last night that my face looked quite thin. I probably needed to lose some weight in my face anyway. Wish I could go back to the gym and do some weight machines (I really like them!) and some cardio – my midriff section could use some toning up.
There was something else that I wanted to say but it’s slipped my mind. I don’t doubt that I’ll remember it later and I’ll write you again then.
BTW: I have decided that after the trip and after I get my teeth fixed and buy a refrigerator (you’d flip out if you saw what I am using – you just don’t understand how little money we have) that I am definitely going to go ahead and get that large tatt – what it looks like is still a secret! ;-)
Got to go have something to drink and have my shower and start cleaning up after Ruffie.
I know that you know just how much I love and miss you but sometimes I just like saying it. You were just the best, best thing and ought to be celebrated. Always and forever –
- Susan
P.S.: Graham used to have a special name for me. He called me "Sooosnn". He was a very sweet man and will be very much missed.
posted by Susan @ 11:15 am
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