Tuesday, 27 September 2005 [10:45 p.m.]:
Keith –Hey there, hon. Well, I finally got with the program and ordered the Lonely Planet Guide to British Columbia (secondhand). It will take weeks to get here but since I’m not getting any help from over there I’m just going to have to do it myself. I am very disappointed not to have heard anything from anyone. I getting very depressed with everything that is (and isn’t) going on in my life right now. It’s not going to be very long and I’ll be taking my seat on the plane and will be on my way to (somehow) say goodbye to you.
I don’t know why it’s been so bad again – I guess it’s just the normal ebb and flow of grieving. I don’t want to miss you and I don’t consciously set out to do it but, by God, I do. To think that I will never, ever (in this world anyway) talk with you or laugh with you or have fun or go dancing or ride around in the truck or talk on the ‘phone or just watch you while you sleep. I tried to help you as much as I could but now I seem unable to even help myself.
I’m going to go – I’m all upset and unhappy. I’m no use to me and certainly no use to you, either. Sorry I couldn’t have been better – sorry I didn’t have enough $$ to have been there for you in December and January when you needed it (it would have been nice if you didn’t have to offer to pay for my ticket to Seoul) – sorry I didn’t have a magic wand to wave around and make everything better: for you, your friends, your family and for me. I’ve always been a helpful person, always generous and there for everyone – but I couldn’t fix you and it drives me nuts. My biggest challenge and my worst failure. No, I’m not being positive right now, you are right. But give me a break, Keith, and kick some Canuck a$$ on my behalf right now ‘cuz I’m needing a big dose of T.L.C.
Yup, I love you and miss you as always…but things are just not going well, ATM.
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 11:10 pm
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