Sunday evening, 25 September 2005 [9:00 p.m.]:
My Grizz –Honey, I miss you so much lately. I want you just to scoop me up and hold me, if only for a little while. I want to wind time back to the third of June 2004 and be the person that took that picture of you with the cub. I want to see you wearing that same grey t-shirt and, of course, your old sweat-stained Sage fishing hat. I want you and Kim to let me hold the cub and I want you to hold me. I know that’s the way you want me to think of you – your big chest and strong arms - and not like your January photo taken with Kisa at Boxcar Street.
I haven’t told you this yet, but every night, when I turn off the monitor just before going to bed, I stroke the left side of your face with my hand and catch my breath, every night, when the warmth of the screen gives me the illusion of you being real and with me. Oh, God, Keith, I miss you. Nothing here seems to supplant you in my mind or in my heart.
The house is, while basically pretty damn humble, looking a damn sight better. For the first time in quite awhile, I’ve put up a lot of the artwork that I have. There are about three pieces that have to be reframed and an oil painting still to be hung but the place is starting to look comfortably lived-in. And while Rick was in the UK he bought me a full-sized Welsh flag! I have a place of honour reserved in my bedroom for it. It wasn’t ‘til I started putting up the artwork (and posters) that I realised how many oils, watercolours and sketches that I have. You didn’t know about my silver bracelets, either, did you? I have something like 23 or 24 and I look (and sound) like a gypsy when I wear them (and, of course, I never remove eight of my rings). There are two dragon rings that I only wear occasionally – they tend to get caught on things, so they’re just for dress-up. And I have a beautiful silver dragon pendant on a long twisted silver chain - it nestles between my breasts. It looks out for me those times when you can't. Oh, and I’ve got a temporary tatt on my a$$ - I am in danger of looking like a bikie chick! (Who gives a rat’s a$$ anyway? This old world needs a bit of shaking up anyway.) Put the tatt (a unicorn) on my a$$ where I was going to put your "K.D." tatt but, you know, it’s hard for me to see there and I want to be able to enjoy it! I’d love to be able to get both tatts (the shoulder one and the a$$ one) and I’d want so much to show them off to you first. Well, I guess you’ll see them anyway, one way or another.
The only mail that I have had from Canada has been from Ottawa – the Import Control & Enforcement Officer that I contacted about your jacaranda blossoms has sent me back links on how to make an application to be able to bring them in. I will have to ask Tom from Duncan as the applicant has to be a Canadian citizen. I’m hoping that he doesn’t mind. Other than that, I’ve heard nothing from anyone from your mob. I feel so marginalised and disregarded – I would have thought that my heart would have been broken enough over this whole affair. I wonder how all your friends and family are doing without you – you have left quite a hole in the universe, you know!
Got to go or I won’t be able to stop the tears. Stay well and feel the love we all have for you –
- Susan
P.S.: Spring has come to the jacaranda tree that we planted in the yard for you - the feathery leaves are a deep, lush green.
posted by Susan @ 9:45 pm
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