Saturday night, 15 October 2005 [8:15 p.m.]:
Grizz –Been down a lot the last few days [look how long it’s been since I’ve written!] and last night while I waited in bed for sleep to come (and it took a lot longer than it should’ve) these tears started oozing out of my eyes. It didn’t seem like "real" crying and I didn’t make a sound but the tears just slid down my cheeks. When I woke up this morning, I could see that I had been weeping in my sleep, too – there were dried tears all in my lashes and on my lower eyelids and cheeks.
Honey, you are the one who taught me how to be generous, how to be loving, how to anticipate needs, how to prioritise, how to be there for someone, how to love. I never loved anybody before like I love you and I never had anyone teach me like you have done. I hope that one day I will find someone else who will help me to be all that I can be. People have always said that I was generous but you brought it out of me in a new way and I am grateful to you for that. I will always, always honour you, Keith, in the way you asked me to do. But don’t forget I’m human and stuck, for now, down here on Earth and sometimes I make mistakes and aren’t always the person that I hope and try to be. But I know that, until we meet, that you will always help me and be that strong tree that I need in my life to anchor myself to when everything seems set to fall around me.
Just to show how down I am, I haven’t played any music in the last two days – that is sooo not like me! I’m going to put some on now and try to reply to some of the mail that I have had from Lavalife. I tried the other night and it sounded so stilted and strange and not at all like me, so I just gave up and I’ll try again now. It’s funny but usually I don’t have any problem at all writing but I guess I’m a little raw about Graham still.
Oh, one drawback of putting off the trip to the Skeena – I won’t be able to see ZZ Top in concert! This is where you wish you were really wealthy and could just fly over to catch a couple of shows. Maybe I’ll get to see them some other time – they might even do an Australian tour!
Going to go and try to write some of the dudes on Lavalife – some of them sound really nice. Going to drop a short note to Don – he hasn’t written yet to say that he’s mailed your package yet. It’s 3:30 Saturday morning there so the earliest he’ll be able to post it now is Monday – I am all beside myself with anticipation! It would be really, really nice if he sees your daughter if she asked how to get in touch with me. I would so like to get to know her (having given up on Alison). But I think it’s best if she does the asking and not me and I also think that it’s pretty unlikely that she will. But sometimes you just never know.
I imagine the air in heaven is just like the air on the Skeena and it will be wonderful to eventually be there in that place that is so close to your heart. I wish you had told me more about it. Why did it happen that we were all so separate from each other? I want to meet everyone – Don, Paul, your daughter, Jimmi, Bruno, Marty, the pilot, Mario – and I want us to know that you made us special, that we stand for each other, that we are always there for each other. I’m so alone, honey, and I could use feeling like I was on a team. I don’t know if that makes any sense – I mean after all your daughter has her Mum and Craig and her cousins and Grandma and friends from Uni I’m sure. (If I never get the chance to smack Craig upside the head, I sure hope that your daughter does – that poor, stupid, idiotic boy.)
I’m going to go – I was going to go out tonight but I am just too down to make the effort. Love you, honey.
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 9:00 pm
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