Tuesday night, 3 May 2005 [8:45 p.m.]:
Honey, it’s me and I’m a mess. I just keep weeping and I miss you so. Emotionally, I’m back where I was when it first got to me. You know, I can hardly believe that the morning after I got Don’s email saying you had died five days before I was out at the University and giving a presentation to the postgraduate sonography students. Was I nuts then or now?I think that I must be depressed or something – one of the lecturers in the Faculty passed away on Monday and I keep getting weepy about him. Dennis wasn’t one of those ‘loved by everybody’ types, he was just too much of an intellectual for that [in spite of wearing a pair of braces (suspenders in North America) and jeans]. He lectured me in sociology and I learned heaps from him about the state of medical services to Aboriginal people. He had a wonderful smile that lit up his face. If there is a funeral service, I will try to go. Or maybe a better thing to send a card to his widow a couple of months from now – they say when people are grieving they get a lot of attention at the beginning and then nothing. I’m getting the ‘say nothing’ treatment from some people right from the beginning because you were ‘just’ a friend and a friend for not very long at that so I guess that I don’t ‘deserve’ condolences.
That’s the problem – you are the nicest man that I ever met in my whole life and I didn’t get to know you for very long. It sucks, it absolutely sucks. Not only are you the nicest man but you treated me the best and you were into so many things and so much fun. Honey, I can’t not miss you, OK? I’m sorry, but you were just too good for me. So I grieve, grieve, grieve for you. Constantly lately, it’s awful.
What is it with cancer patients? I have been on hospital clinicals since 1992 and they have always been the nicest, nicest people. In all that time I have only had one difficult patient and she was only difficult because she had a tracheostomy and it was very difficult to speak with her. But every one has had the nicest nature and been so pleasant to work with. And you, honey, are an absolute goddamned treasure – almost too good to be true. You’d say these things and they’d seem almost preposterous and they always turned out to be true. Here’s an example: you’d say, "I’m going to Paul’s ranch to ride my horse." (like you’ve got a horse, too, right…) and then I said to Don "Did Keith make it to Paul’s?" and straight away Don says "Yes, he rode on his horse, Sunny, for as long as he could". If I had any doubts (and I have to admit that at the beginning I did, it just seemed all too fantastic) they were always confirmed and I learned to accept whatever you said 100% and just hang on for the ride!
I especially miss you in the evening when we used to talk. That’s the hardest time for me. Blows me away that someone bought the house at 108 and is in it. Drives me insane wondering about your stuff and about the parcel you wanted sent to me.
I cannot stop crying and I hate it. I especially hate crying at work. I miss you and you don’t visit me. You, of all people, can see inside my heart – honey, please help me!
I honestly don’t know what to do. I try to walk tall at Uni and with my new clothes and all and I’m sure that there are people that don’t have a clue in the world that inside I am just wishing to die. I try thinking about the Promises that I made to you, I try thinking about the way that you asked me to honour you but it is so goddamned hard.
I’ve had disaster after disaster trying to send out and receive emails but I will have to email Don tomorrow from work or he will wind up being out on a remote site again and it will be another three weeks before I hear from him. I will lose it for sure if that is the case.
Honey, I have got to go. I have another class tomorrow night and I have to get some materials ready for it and I’ve been having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning so I don’t want to go to bed too late.
I know I’ve said, "Don’t worry about me" but I could use you help. I don’t want you to worry, honey, I want you to have a riot of a time like you deserve but just smile on me now and again, OK? I miss you so…
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 12:44 am
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