Saturday night, 30 April 2005 [7:15 p.m.]:
Hi there, my own sweet Grizz. I’m on early tonight because I stayed up so late last night and I am really tired. Gonna be an early night tonight.Stayed up working on the house since Marla was coming and I put up all my Balinese and Javanese shadow puppets on the wall above my bed – they look really nice. I have six from Bali and one from Java. The Javanese one is made from real cowhide and the sticks are made from turned cowhorn; I think it might be an antique one. There are three of Arjuna, one of Krishna, one of Hanuman and I don’t know the names of the other ones. I’ve been collecting folk art for awhile.
I picked up Marla in Auburn (she took the train out from the city) and we came back over to the house. She thought that it was really cute with its stained glass and fretwork on the verandah. I showed her my scrapbook stuff and we went through all your photos. She couldn’t believe the number of dead animals – LOL! Oh, and "boys toys", too. We both remarked on the complete lack of women in any of your shots – trust me, dude, if I was there, there would be no way you’d get off going fishing or whatever and not taking me some of the time. No, I wouldn’t have to go all the time and I wouldn’t go when you had your clients but I’d be damned if I let you make me stay at home and not go out and have some fun, too! As for your motorcycle, you’d have to take me out some of the time, you just would. :-P (P.S.: You are going to be sooo jealous when you see my tatt you’re going to run right out to St. Peter’s Tattoo Parlour and get one just like it.)
Anyway, Marla liked you a lot. (I absolutely cracked her up when I pointed out your fat fingers, funny lower lip and ear lobes and the fact that your hat is on crooked in the "cub" photo – you are so funny!) I got a bit weepy a couple of times but Marla was OK with that. When I got back from dropping Marla off at the station to go back to her hotel, I went through all your photos again and there were a couple that I had sort of forgotten and it was good to see them again.
While she was here, we went to Auburn’s Japanese Gardens and to the Bonsai Garden (Warwick used to work there as a volunteer). [I hope I remember to go to the Gardens when it’s cherry blossom time in the Spring.] Then we went to a Turkish restaurant and had a late lunch. Tomorrow I’m going to meet her in the city and we are going to find a place to have brunch. We’re going to follow brunch up with a visit to the Powerhouse Museum. She said that they have some sort of Greco-Roman artwork on exhibit. Too bad it wasn’t a couple of months ago – they had a "Lord of the Rings" exhibit that had lots of props and stuff about making the movie trilogy. We never did talk about art or museums or those sorts of thing but you were never one to write stuff off without first having given them a go.
I love you, honey, I love everything about you. Ya’, you’re an ornery devil but I love you in spite of it and I can’t imagine anything that you could do that would make me love you any less. I am so glad that you chose me, of all bloody people, to share your last days with. You know I don’t regret a second that we spent together and, what is more, I don’t have any regrets along the lines of "I should have done this" or "I shouldn’t have done that". Except for that bloody Sleeman’s ale there isn’t a damned thing more I could have done for you that I didn’t do. The only thing is, and I bet you’re aware of it now, I should have been with you at the very end in case you needed someone and regretted being alone. You could have sent me out of the room if you wanted, you could have had me hold you tight, you could have had me help you to meet Clayton – I would have done what ever you wanted and I promise, promise, promise that I would not have held you back or pleaded with you or tried to keep you with me. It’s hard but I have the strength to do it and I’m probably the only one that could have. Honey, you should have trusted me a little more and not wanted to be so ‘in charge’ at the end. But it’s done and finished and only you know the very last page of your story.
I’ve just been sitting here staring at the monitor thinking about your last night, about Don and Ken, about your hat and Colleen and Alison and about your purple Bare fishing shirt that I love. Also about something else that I hinted at once before but I just cannot write here. It’s just a suspicion that I have (and you know how all of my suspicions that I had about you turned out to be true, much to your surprise) and I want to know but I just don’t know how I can ask Don unless I ask him on the ‘phone. It’s just something that dawned on me a couple of weeks after you died and I would like to know if it happened that way. I’m a big girl and you can tell me (or let me know) and I am not going to love you any less or grieve any more over it. Sometimes, you just "gotta do what ya’ gotta do". Keith, please understand that I love you unconditionally – I have not set up any boundaries or fences that you need to stay within. I wouldn’t let you mistreat me, but I know that you are the kind of man that never would so I have no need to set limits on you. I am getting the distinct impression that’s what "the family" has done to you – they have tried to box you in and parcel out your life and you’re just not the sort of man to live within those sort of limitations.
If you hadn’t wound up alone at 108, I would have never met you. You had tons of friends, so it wasn’t like you needed me. Our regard for each other just grew and grew and I think you appreciated the sexual tension from having a female friend. So you wound up with a loving, giving Tiger Woman who was there 24/7 for you and who accepted you completely and without reservation and who rejoiced in you and with you. Well, I love you and celebrate you now and I always will do. You are such a part of me and you have helped Warwick and I so much. I am looking forward to the time that we can be together – we have so many years of stories to tell each other! (When I make Alison’s scrapbook, I am going to leave some blank pages so that she can put in photos and mementos from grade school and your high school and university graduations and your wedding and baby photos of your daughter and Craig. I’ve even gotten some embroidery canvas so I can do a small cross-stitch with elements of the "coffee" embroidery that she made for you. I hope by the time I have finished it and she receives it that she’ll be in a more receptive mood to things from Australia!)
OK, honey, I’ve got to go. Enjoy yourself and be good and if you can’t be good… then have a rip-roaring good time being bad! Loving you and missing you heaps.
- your very own Tiger Woman
P.S.: (10:00 p.m.) I just had this sort of a dream. I was in the spare room up at 108 – I was cleaning my boots because we had been out in the snow earlier in the day and I had gotten salt stains on them. I was sitting in a chair and the door was open. You came walking into the room – you didn’t knock, you didn’t say, "May I come in?" – you just walked straight in. You walked right up to me and reached out your right hand and laid it on the side of my neck. We looked into each other’s eyes and right then we knew the answers to all the questions we had. I reached up and let my hair down. I cried later when I woke up and you kissed me on the nape of my neck. I was sad, but at the same time I felt a profound sense of peace. It’s funny but you have this way of taking charge that I actually enjoy – with a lot of men in my life I have been the boss and it’s really interesting the way you make me feel sometimes, the decisions I let you make and the way I defer to you – it’s something that I have never really experienced before.
posted by Susan @ 8:49 pm
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