Saturday afternoon, 23 April 2005 [1:00 p.m.]:
Hi there, my honey.Last night was the first night that I didn’t post you when I was able to since you died. I was really tired and went to bed at eight but I couldn’t sleep. I got up at ten thirty and had one of my "talks" with you, got ready for bed and didn’t get up until ten thirty this morning.
I’m not sure why I didn’t write because I certainly could have made myself. I spent some time with the stars (which were beautiful last night) to be with you then came in and went to bed without writing. I said a lot to you when I got up later and I know you know exactly how I feel. Any time anyone looks deeply into my eyes they will see your eyes reflected back at them. You have changed me forever and nothing will ever be the same again; not just the things that I look at but the things that people see in me.
Honey, I get this amazing feeling when I look at your "cub" photo – it’s this warm but somehow sparkly feeling that spreads throughout my chest. It really is a physical feeling, not just an emotion. It is so strong that it is almost unpleasant. At the same time I also feel so grounded and at peace. You look so remarkable in that photo! I would love to know who took it, what you were feeling at the time and if you were down in Vancouver then because it was right around then that your Dad died. Did you know then that you had PV (I think that you did), did you know at all your prognosis, did you know then that you’d be going up to 108 and were you still working for the school district? Honey, I have so many questions! I decided last night that I definitely am going to write "Ken". Partly because he isn’t (I don’t think) family, and partly because I don’t care any more what they think. They haven’t honoured you (as far as I can tell) so why should I honour them? You I will honour for always and in the way you asked me to.
I’m going to go out tonight – by myself because Warwick doesn’t want to come. There is an Australian "bush" band playing at a club not far from here and I am going to go. "Bush" music is a kind of Australian folk music and has its roots in Irish music. It’s the kind of music that sheep shearers and lower class workers on cattle properties, for instance, played and danced to in the late 1800s. It’s not at all like American country and western music. Often Australian poetry is set to music and sung – there is some Australian verse on the home page of my blog. Anyway, honey, come sit on my shoulder tonight and see if you like it. It’d be cool if they had a bush dance as well – they’re a lot of fun [and not at all like American square dancing (thank God)].
Honey, I’m going to close now and go out and do some work in the yard. A friend of Warwick’s has just rung and wants me to take some stuff over to his house so I better get going.
Will talk to you tonight either here or like I do sometimes with your photo. Honey, I want to be with you so badly – I’m happy enough considering but at the same time I yearn every moment for you. Please forgive me if I am tying you here against your will – you know that I don’t want to. Not only do I not know how to let you go – I don’t even want to. Missing you always –
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 12:27 am
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