Saturday night, 16 April 2005 [8:30 p.m.]:
Hi, there, Keith. I just got in from being with you in the stars. Lots of streaky clouds but I could see eight stars and I know that’s enough. There was one star that glittered blue and red – was that you signalling to me? No, Clayton didn’t come last night but you were with me this morning for awhile and I loved the way you felt. Thank you, Grizz.I went into Auburn to go to the real estate agent – Auburn has so much ethnic diversity. You see everything on the streets – Chinese and Vietnamese, Arabic and Islamic, African (especially the African women in traditional costume with the big headdresses) – as an Anglo-Saxon I’m in the minority by a long ways. The local Council’s motto is something like "Many cultures, one Community". I’ve heard that Vancouver has become very diversified and it’s great to be confounded by choice when you decide if you’re going to eat Thai or Lebanese or Italian or Greek or Chinese or whatever. I can’t remember the name of that coffee franchise that you like (honey, I am so very sorry, but there are lots of things that I can’t remember).
I also went to the local hospital and visited my neighbour Steve who lives in the other half of this house. He had an accident at work and got blood poisoning in his leg. He seems like a real nice guy and since this neighbourhood is so rough, I’m kind of keeping an eye on his place. I took him his mail and a bag of gummi snakes. If he isn’t home by Tuesday or Wednesday, I’ll stop in and see him on my way home from work. I told him that I was looking for a good tattoo place and the only one he knew has been torn down but he thinks it’s moved a couple of blocks away where Warwick was telling me there is a place. It’s called "Tattoo Temple" and rumour has it that it’s run by either the Banditos or the Comancheros motorcycle club. As long as it’s clean (and their artwork is first-rate), I don’t care what their affiliation is. I think you know by now that I’m not the judgemental type.
Honey, I wish you were around to take Warwick in hand a bit. He’s always respected you and paid serious attention to everything you said to him. (And he wanted so badly to come and go hunting with you like he would have done with his Grandpa, as you did.) I know he’s under pressure and his relationship with his Dad is so tenuous (and I can’t help but think that the irresponsibility that his father shows finds expression in him). He has already dropped out of Uni – at least he is keeping up with his kung fu and his lion dancing. He has been collecting some of the kung fu weapons – he’s already got a rope dart, a nine-section chain-like thing (I can’t remember what it’s called – it looks like eight or nine pony bits linked together) and two long broad swords. I’ve really taken to the broad swords and he is going to teach me some forms and I can already tell that they are going to be great for improving my balance and reflexes. Look out for the Kung Fu Tiger Princess!
Bloody hell, our refrigerator is buggered. I simply cannot afford a new one. The other night I got out some butter and it was all soft and the milk is not coping. The thermometer says it’s running anywhere from eight to twelve degrees C (should at about 2 or 3) and the motor runs constantly. For some reason, the freezer section seems to be OK. I will have to go through the local paper and get a repairman to have a look.
It is awful not being on the ‘net. You know, even though you’re gone I still go every couple of days to the Weather Network for 108. I don’t know why, honey, I don’t know why I do a lot of the funny things that missing you has made me do. And I feel so powerless. There was a song back in the 70s, I think, maybe by the Animals –
"Oh, Lord, I’m just a soul whose intentions are good,
please don’t let me be misunderstood."
That’s how I feel – misunderstood by your family. It is so isolating. Remember, honey, I have hardly any family left and not very many friends and with you gone and your family so bloody weird I have a very, very heavy heart. But don’t worry, honey, it’s not at all because of you – you were always so wonderful to me and I love you and thank you for it. You actually spoiled me and nobody’s ever done that before. I think you found things about me that were appealing – that I never, ever lied to you, that I spoiled you, that I was always there whenever you wanted me to be (and I didn’t insist on it all the time), that I approved completely with the way that you lived your life, that I always believed everything you said, that I was trustworthy and that I loved you without reservation.
I don’t know why, but I just thought of Ken. I guess those things that I just said about me you could say about Ken – that he looked after you, that he was honest with you, that he agreed with you and he loved you very much, Keith. And he tried to protect you, too. (Remember when he hid the truck and sled keys! And when I tried to talk him into writing a Rx for Susan for you.) Sh*t, I miss him. See, honey, I’ve lost everybody – you, Ken, Alison, your daughter, your family. Everybody but Don – I heartily pray that he will keep in contact with me and not change his mind and withdraw. I do think I will ask Don his opinion and, depending on what he says, go ahead and write the doctor that I believe to be "Ken". I doubt that Ken comes under the umbrella of "the family". Actually, Don’s role has got me a bit stumped – he’s a good friend, I can tell, but he seems to be the one that is allowed to bridge the friend/family gap. I know that he’s not your brother-in-law, Rick. That poor man, he will just lose it when he finds out the number of questions that I’ve got! Here’s hoping that he’ll agree to letting me ‘phone him a couple of times – who knows, we might even become friends – that would be a positive thing to come out of this, wouldn’t it?
Tears today but not so many. I miss you like some essential thing – like food or air. I miss you every second, I miss you eternally. I will never, ever be "over" you. Some day I won’t hurt so much; some day I’ll meet somebody else and fall in love again. But you will be with me, inside of me, in my mind and in my heart for always. In some ways you will find eternity in me. Of all people, in me. This grieving will never be over, but it will change. It will come to stand for all the good and great things and the powerful, positive impact you have had on my life. Our relationship was so unexpected, honey, and I am so grateful to you, to the universe, to God for your treasured presence in my life.
Now let me rock you to sleep and we can dream together tonight –
- S.
posted by Susan @ 8:12 pm
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