Friday evening, 15 April 2005 [6:00 p.m.]:
Hey, it’s me.Had a good day today – and last night I was on the ‘phone with someone and we had a long chat about you and I didn’t even cry one tear! (And that doesn’t mean that I love you any less.)
Ack! You know my super-cool jeans? I wore them for the first time today and they are too big – they almost fell off a couple of times (revealing more of my G-string than I wanted to!). I will have to get a nice belt to go with them or get them altered – I just keep losing weight (and I haven’t been to the gym in ages due to the move). Too bad I didn’t buy them at least one size smaller ;-( .
Not having a connection to the internet is driving me crazy. Imagine not having any emails! No Messenger! No Google! "Hello, my name is Susan and I have an Internet addiction." - that’s what I need: Internetters Anonymous.
I’m alone tonight – Wozza has gone to a friend’s house and will come back tomorrow. It’s my first night in this new house alone. I’ll tell you, waking up in the morning is great – the waterbed is nice and the first thing I look at is your picture – then I look up at the antique glass windows – they are in colours of rose, gold and green. There’s an enclosed verandah off my room so I don’t have to have any curtains, just the beautiful colours. It’s a nice way to start the day. Wish you were here with me to share it. Wish you were here with me to share all of it. But, honey, you don’t belong in this big city (and neither do I) you really should be back at 108 doing all the things you enjoy and get a kick out of. And you know that you’ve always had 110% support for whatever you chose to do, say, think, be – no judgements, no limits. Grizz, you were just too fine a thing to change – I love you just as you are – fat fingers and attitude and all!
Sorry, but there are no stars again tonight – the clouds just have not been cooperating. Maybe we can be together tomorrow night.
I just re-read an email I sent the morning after Don let me know you were gone. It was sent to your Sage 22 account and addressed to "Alison, Ken and friends". Honey, when I read it, I just sound so *nice* or something and nobody ever replied (who knows, maybe nobody ever read it). I guess what I am trying to say is that I had such good wishes for every one and everybody (‘cept for Don and maybe Ken) is turning out to be so horrible to me. I just cannot comprehend this; I cannot make any sense of it. It is so uncaring and so unlike the Alison that you had portrayed to me I am just in shock over it. And I so, so want your package! I just cannot understand why they feel threatened by me. And the unfortunate thing is, it is holding me up on coming to terms with everything. It goes against all norms of grieving. I think that there are people that don’t like the fact that I was going to come to 108 and hold that against me – but didn’t I, in the end, do exactly what you wanted? And I always did. I am sure that there are people who, for whatever reason, resent our relationship and are uncomfortable with the fact that you and I got so close. I think it might be because those people believe that a person has only so much love to give out. Let’s look at it this way – let’s say that when you wake up everyday, you have one gallon of love to distribute. A little here, a little there – ooops! it’s all gone. But I don’t believe that, not at all. Love is like an artesian well – it just bubbles up and up and the more you distribute, the more it flows forth. I know that you know that love begets love but somehow "the family" doesn’t quite get it. Oh, well, honey – you’ve only been gone just over two months and I guess people need time to heal. And I feel so sorry for Alison and for your daughter – I wish they would let me into their lives but I can’t see it happening. You, honey, could make it happen, I am sure. I know it’s in your power to influence us down here missing you. If you agree with me, and if you want me to get my package from you (and I know you do), then do what you can to soften some hurting hearts. I know how much you love them and how much they love you and, really, that’s all that matters. The rest is, as you say, just crap.
I would really like you and Clayton to visit me in my dreams tonight – I have this odd feeling that Clayton has something to say to me. This is strange because he has never spoken to me before even though I saw him those times that I told you about. Maybe he wants to tell me to release you and to let you go. Maybe he wants to join our spirits together. I don’t know what he wants, I just know he has something to say to me. Honey, all of your spirits have permission to visit me – I will welcome them. You don’t have to bring them, they can come any time but it would be nice if they would identify themselves to me. I would be very proud and honoured if they came. (Just like I was honoured and proud when you told me you were going to rededicate Clayton’s book and put it in the package for me.)
Now, my darling, enjoy the rest that you earned at so high a price. You are always, always in my thoughts and in my heart. Please bring Clayton tonight if you can. All my love –
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 8:01 pm
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