Saturday night, 9 April 2005 [7:30 p.m.]:
Oh, my honey! I just now realised it when I typed the date – it was two months ago today that we last spoke. And, if anything, I miss you more now than I did back then.How your life and death have extended and challenged me! You have called on me to make myself better but you have also caused me to re-examine everything in my life and some of the answers that I am finding are frightening and make me feel that I no longer have a safety net to fall back on. Even some of the things that I held dear and certain I now question. But having said that, I have to say that I am certain about you – what you were about, what we had, where we might have gone.
Saw six to eight cockatoos playing in an intersection in Haberfield on my way into the seminar this morning. Ya’, they play. I think it’s the updraft or something from the traffic and they swoop back and forth over the cars. Then there were a couple more in Victoria Park, too. They always make me think of you (as if I needed anything to make me think of you!).
Seminar has been interesting - I have decided to work on anger and grief. I kind of think, as much as I love you, that my grieving is completely over the top. I know you wouldn’t want me to be affected like this, I know it – but that isn’t enough to help me let it go and accept your death. Keith, it is terrible and the only way that I have been able to accept it is to realise that it isn’t just you that I am grieving for. That doesn’t mean I love you any less! – I loved you then, I love you now – I will always love you. But there are so many things that I seem to have piled on top of losing you: loss of health, aging, loss of looks, Rick’s leaving, losing my parent’s home, losing my parents and my sisters, loss of the career that I worked so hard to join, having to resign from my Honours degree. Somehow it has all come together on you and that is not at all your fault (and you, after all, did try to keep me from getting in too deep) and you did do what you could to try and deflect the grief that you realised, even more than me, that I would experience.
Honey, it wasn’t possible for me to not fall in love with you once I got to know you. But I do worry that there are those that may feel that I took advantage of you when you were vulnerable and that’s the reason that you started to love me, simply that you needed someone just then and I was there to fill a need that you had. But I can’t possibly think of ‘vulnerable’ as being an adjective that would ever describe you – even right up to the very end. When we were together you were 100% in the moment with me and you aren’t the sort of person to let himself be taken advantage of. Besides, what is love but meeting a need in someone else?
I’m going to close now. See ya’ later, honey.
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 10:54 pm
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