Sunday night, 10 April 2005 [7:00 p.m.]:
Hello, Keith. Thoughts of you kept intruding into the seminar today. We did this exercise at one point where we envisaged travelling out along our timeline into the future to the very end. And when I got there, there was a bright, golden light and your shadowy form stepped out to meet me and you extended your hand for me to take. I said, "No, honey, not yet." and I told you I would be back to spend time with you later but for now I had to say goodbye. It seemed odd for me not to go with you and the only thing that I can understand from this is that I am making the first steps towards moving on. It’s been helped by our being in the new house – the whole physical context wherein our relationship occurred has been taken away. The computer is in a new place, the chairs that I sat in to talk to you on the ‘phone are in a completely different place, I’m still waiting for the new ADSL modem to arrive so I have no internet connection, so no MSN Messenger. (But I still have my scrapbook and all your glorious photos!) BTW: the stars were beautiful tonight – thank you for meeting me there again.A little while back I mentioned a dream that I wanted to tell you about. First of all – it wasn’t a dream. I actually saw you. I was in my bedroom in the old house, on the far side of the bed from the door. I heard someone at the door and looked out thru the blinds to see who was on the front porch. I saw you just turning away from the door and starting to walk down the footpath towards the street. Your hair was longer at the back than now, more like you wore it a few years back. You were wearing jeans, I think, and you had on a mid-blue short sleeved shirt with some sort of embroidered badge or logo on the right sleeve. You looked to the left and began to cross the street. I ran and tore open the door and began to call out to you but you were gone. You had completely disappeared. Honey, this was not a dream. I saw you; you were there on the front porch of the house at Walter Street. How much I would have loved to have hugged you then and welcomed you into our home and more fully into our lives. Why did you come and then not say hello at the very least? Why did you turn your back on me? When will you come again? You said once that you thought that ghosts were spirits and were all around us – honey, you are most welcome to come as a ghost or as a spirit into our home – we will welcome and treasure you when you do. If you want to visit the temporal world, you will always find rest and love for you here with us. I will not summon you any longer – I will let you come whenever you yourself desire it. You deserve your rest and as much fun as you can handle, without any earthly ties holding you back.
Today at the seminar, Chris, the leader, told us a story of a Native American whose son had died in an accident. After the boy had died, the father had the same dream for four nights in a row. Every night he looked up a flight of stairs to see his son, motionless, at the top carrying two buckets. He tried calling out to his son, but could make no sound. On the fifth night, he had the same dream. But this night he had a voice and he called out to his son "White Feather, why are you motionless?" And the boy replied "Because of the weight of your tears that I carry."
Honey, I am so sorry if my grieving distresses you in any way. The weight of my tears are for me to carry. I have only ever, ever, ever wanted the very best for you since the very first instant I met you and I know that you know that. And I am very disappointed that your family have been distressed in any way but I really do think that is their problem and a choice that they have made. Since I acted in the absence of any instruction regarding them, I do not believe that I have anything to apologise to them for (and they do not want to hear from me anyway). Have you heard that saying that goes something like "A joy shared is a joy increased; a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved"? Well, I love you and I celebrate you and if Alison and your daughter or any of your friends do not want to join me in that then, truly, it is to their disadvantage.
k, Grizz, I’m going to call it a night. I’ll look for you again in my dreams and I’ll see you again tomorrow. All my love –
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 11:01 pm
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