Monday night, 11 April 2005 [11:45 p.m.]:
Well, it’s me again.Just watched a little TV ("The Apprentice") and then had a little think. I’ve said before that there are all sorts of grieving camped on to losing you and that I think it’s also because I have so little tangible evidence of our relationship and, like I said, because we were just beginning and had everything ahead of us. But I’ve been wondering – if I had come up to 108 for awhile, if we had done the travelling we said we’d do (besides Grafton in November, I really wanted to show you North Queensland) – let’s say we spent a year together before I lost you – would I be grieving any less? (I know I couldn’t be grieving any more). If I’d gone out hunting and fishing with you (well, OK, maybe just fishing – and we’d have to take a trip to somewhere like Minnesota and go canoeing and my beloved WALLEYE fishing) and we’d gone out on the bike and the pickup, and listened to music, and visited your friends, and goofed around, and had great sex, and told stories and watched the stars, and had dumb arguments and then made up, and welcomed you home when you’d been away, and cooked for each other and together, and annoyed the crap out of you when you wanted to work on the computer – do you think, honey, that I could have grieved for you any less? I don’t know but I just feel that I would because now I am grieving for all the things that might have been and now can never be. That’s why I want to know everything – I am trying to fill in the blanks that can never be filled. I am having a hard time accepting that someone doesn’t seem to want me to have the things that you meant for me. I am mourning the fact that Ken hasn’t gotten in touch with me. And I know it sounds selfish, but it would have been nice for Jimmi to have said thanks for that t-shirt. I dunno, maybe it’s part of your ‘divide and conquer’ strategy or something. I dunno, I just don’t think that way and so I’m sorry, honey, but I don’t understand. I accepted you and what you told me 100% and I never grilled you about Colleen or anything else – I just let you be you and took you at face value and let you say as much or as little about things. And how much I came to love you and how much fun and downright joy you always gave me!
OK, I’ve got to go – first day back at work tomorrow. Now here, my Grizz, is the biggest, biggest hug. I’m going to wrap you up in Clayton’s daughter’s blanket (remember how I saw me wrapping it around you before you ever told me about it?) and give you an awesome hug. (Honey, if I had been with you that night you died, I think I would probably have wrapped you up in that blanket so you could have met Clayton wearing it. I prepared my Dad’s body after he died and I know it would have been an honour to have done the same for you and I would have done it with all the love and respect that I have for you. I wish you would have let me do that for you and for me – but then I guess when I think about the spectre of "the family", it would have been pretty damn awkward and confronting for people in your family to have to deal with this upstart little Aussie with the Yank accent.) Yeah, I guess it would be hard ‘cuz I’d probably would have had to hightail it out of your house on Sunday before "the family" arrived and where would I go and of course I’d be shattered, etc., etc. Is that why you didn’t want me to come or was it simply just as you said – you wanted me to remember you the way you were in June and not the way you were in February. You sweet, foolish man – do you, after forty-five years, know so little of love? This time, my honey, my tears are for you and not for me.
Good night, Grizz. You are very much with me tonight and I know I am going to see you in my dreams tonight.
- Tiger Woman
posted by Susan @ 12:26 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home