Tuesday night, 17 May 2005 [11:45 p.m.]:
Hey, ya’, my Grizz.Rainy, chilly day today. Thought of you heaps. Tina Turner’s "Be Tender With Me Baby" came on the iPod while I was driving to the gym and I burst into tears. There I am, sobbing, with the windscreen obscured with rain and my eyes obscured with tears. I’m not sure if I’ve put up those lyrics or not, so here they are:
"Be Tender With Me Baby" – Tina Turner
You got the right to tell me it's all over.
It isn't like me to be begging you.
Don't let go, don't let go -
just stay with me another day.
When I'm not myself please understand me.
I'm so confused I don't know what to do -
but don't give up, don't give up -
it just may take a little time.
Be tender with me baby.
I'm so afraid you'll go away.
Be tender with me baby,
always, for always.
I know that you've been patient with my weakness
and that you hate to see me cry.
But I know, yes I know,
it doesn't have to be this way.
But I'm so lonely I could die.
Why does my heart keep on hurting,
why do I feel like I do?
I hope you see this is not really me
that it's just a phase that I'm going through.
I miss you so, Keith. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through this without a bit more support than I’ve had. I don’t think you’d understand, having so many friends and family and all. Everybody in BC has somebody that they can turn to but what about me?
OK, this is going to sound harsh but it’s the way I feel at the moment and when I say it I want you to remember that I love you completely and feeling like this doesn’t change that – but you didn’t have the b*lls to ring me and say goodbye. You just thought that I’d "get over it", didn’t you? [And of course, you thought that Alison would ring me and that somebody or other would send the package you had for me – so they’ve screwed you over just like they’ve screwed me and that’s their way of honouring you. Major, big-time suckage.]
Anyway, I listened to ZZ Top’s "Afterburner" LP on my iPod at the gym – cracked me up as per usual.
It’s a bit cold and damp and I’m going to post a few of the old blogs and get ready for bed. I’ve got the waterbed heater on so it will be all cosy and of course I’ve got your photo waiting on the bedside table for me. I hope there won’t be any more tears tonight, you’d think it wouldn’t be physically possible to produce so many. What’s that old song title – "Cry Me a River"? Ya’, I’d believe it. What did you call me – oh, yeah "intense" – I think I’ll get "Beware – I cry at weddings and movies" tattooed on my forehead.
I love you heaps, Keith, and can’t stop missing you. Please don’t leave me alone. I’m going through that "long dark night of the soul" thing, ‘cept it’s not a night, it’s months and months. I need to feel you near me, I need to have somebody acknowledge my loss and no one wants to. Colleen gets the sympathy, not me. And after what you told me, Christ, it’s so unbelievable as to be laughable in a sick sort of way. Here I am, at once the luckiest and unluckiest of women.
So, I’m going and I’ll see you later. I’ll write again soon. Hope you’re happy and well. Ya’, I’m flipping out a bit but I don’t want you to worry!!! Just appreciate that I loved you as best as I could, OK?
Always –
- S.
posted by Susan @ 5:13 pm
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