early Thursday morning, 12 May 2005 [1:15 a.m.]:
Oh, honey, it’s another sad day! You died three months ago. Do you know what that means? We have now been apart for as long as we have been together. It is so sad – the river of time is bearing me further and further from you. I haven’t stopped loving you, I haven’t stopped missing you, I haven’t stopped honouring you in my heart. I got the new ISPs cable modem on this afternoon – and Don never replied to me about the package like he said that he would. Maybe he thinks that by now I’m "over you" and the package doesn’t matter. Maybe he feels like he’s the one stuck in the middle, maybe he feels like he wants to maintain a good relationship with "the family" – I’ve got no idea. He said he’d write around the 21st of April but there’s been nothing. I sent him an email from my staff account at Uni - maybe he’ll reply there. I hate to say it, but I really need him because he’s my key to understanding aspects of you. I have questions that I firmly believe that I need and deserve answers to. Once Don said that you "thought highly" of me so why don’t I deserve a little consideration?I have been working on my blog tonight – I have so many pages that have to be posted! I started with posts from early April and several of them brought tears to my eyes. Keith – I just adore you and it is so hard re-reading some of what I have written: at times so sad, so hopeful, so innocent, so earnest, so stupid. What am I going to do with nowhere to put my love for you? I appreciate the fact that you tried to keep from hurting me, I do, sweetheart, I do. But I am lost without you and don’t know my way in the world any longer. I’d do ANYTHING to have you back. And I know that isn’t possible. So I want the next best thing – and that’s news about you and contact with your friends and tangible evidence of you – like your beloved Sage hat. Sure, I can get a hat from Justin but it won’t be your hat – the hat you wore for over two years. You wore it in Abbotsford, you wore it in 108, your wore it in Mexico. And, goddamn it, I want it – you gave it to me – IT’S MINE!!! I am sick to death of being nicely, nicely me – always worried about everybody else - so sweet about Alison and your nephews and nieces, etc. You read my blog and I sound like such a fool – so concerned about everybody while I get stabbed in the back. So that’s it – I care about Don and Ken and your daughter – AND EVERYBODY ELSE INVOLVED CAN GO AND GET SCREWED! That’s it – no more Ms. Nice Guy. As far as the album that I am making for Alison – well, I will have to see. I will probably go ahead and make it because I said that I would but don’t hold me to it.
I know you and Alison loved each other and I’m glad about that. But I think your sister has a few issues – go on, have a good read of your Dad’s obituary and see what I mean. It’s patently obvious that she wrote it – Jocelyn, Bill and you barely get a look in. So, Alison, if the fact that MY hat hasn’t been sent has anything to do with you, well all I’m gonna say right now is :-P . And, girl, I know where you live and I don’t have a problem in the world with knocking on your door and asking for it. And remember – NEVER come between a tiger and her cub.
Mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it any more –
- Susan
P.S.: Keith, honey, I love you so. But all this crap is pissing me off – I have tried to be "nice", I have tried to be patient, I have tried to be accepting. But I find that recently my grieving is turning to anger. I loved you well, the very best that I could, and I do not deserve what is happening. Please come and visit me because I need your spirit, honey, I really do.
posted by Susan @ 11:00 pm
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