Friday night, 6 May 2005 [11:00 p.m.]:
Oh, Keith, honey…Sweetheart, this has been the worst day since you’ve gone, maybe even the worst day of my life. I am all cried out. I don’t know what to do. I can’t trust myself any more. I am torn in opposite directions. There’s my pretend happy-face that I put on for work and then there’s the reality. Now I know why you said you were so sorry. You always knew, didn’t you? But it’s too late for me and I can’t be fixed. I have no idea how to live the life that you wanted for me now that you are gone. The reality is that right now it’s not how to live, but that I don’t want to live at all. Yeah, I still recognise beauty when I see it and know it’s a gift but it’s not enough any more. Not nearly enough.
Cats know I’m upset – Tzatziki just came and started head-butting my legs. My eyes and cheeks feel terrible from the tears. If you could see me, you’d be horrified. I bloody wish I knew somewhere that I could go out tomorrow night – like that weekend when I went to the bush band. That’s what I need – an absolutely torrid relationship that would push you to the sidelines. You’re never, ever going to ‘leave the field’, you are just too much a part of me and I care too much for you for that. I told you – I am NEVER going to ‘get over’ you. Don’t want to, aren’t going to. Face it, Grizz, you somehow wound up with me and I’m here for the long haul. It’s just such a goddamned shame that you can’t be around for us to share a relationship that had so much potential. We were good to each other in a way that neither of us had ever experienced before and I’m selfish enough to have wanted more, more, more of it. So this is a good time for me to say thank you again to you for everything you did, for everything you are, for how well you loved me.
I really don’t know if I am ever going to be ‘OK’. I know that you want me to have a great life – you were so sweet the way you always wanted the best for your friends – but I don’t know how to do it. Ya’, my Canuck, I treasure you and love you and miss you with every heartbeat. Help me whenever you get the time and inclination but most of all, most of all, I want you to have a great time and absolutely spoil yourself and just go for it. For once, just live for yourself and please yourself and really all the rest of us can just get screwed ‘cuz right now is your time. Keith, I never, ever told you what to do but right now I am – do exactly what you want to do and do it on your terms.
I don’t have to tell you I love you because you know it and as you said, "We’ll get together when we can".
- S.
posted by Susan @ 10:51 pm
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