Monday night, 16 May 2005 [11:45 p.m.]:
Hi, there, my dearest honey.I’ve just been sitting here looking at the closeup of your face from the 31st of January. Goddamn it, honey, I should have been there. Ya’, you did look like sh*t but you have to believe that didn’t matter to me. This is so goddamned hard and so bloody wonderful at the same time. I was so bloody fortunate and then everything just imploded and I am left with little more than memories and tears. Oh, my God, my honey, I miss you so! I honestly didn’t know that I could feel so deeply and grieve so much. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you….
I wanted to call Colleen’s house today. I almost did and I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s some kind of a link to you, I don’t know. Don hasn’t replied and the package has not yet come.
I’ve been a bit glum the last two or three days – sort of an essential depression or something.
In spite of that, I went to the gym after work tonight – it was the first time back since we started the move. I bought some black weight gloves to protect my rings and keep the calluses down (my skin sort of gets pinched between the weight and my rings and it’s a bit uncomfortable). I did most of the machines tonight and I’m sure I’ll feel it tomorrow or Wednesday. I wish you could see me, honey – can you? I think I probably look a lot better than you thought I did – I mean it, those graduation photos were terrible and that’s all you ever got to see. I’ve got Alanis Morissette "Thank U" playing right now: "The moment I let go of it, was the moment I got more than I could handle. The moment I jumped off of it, was the moment I touched down." I wasn’t looking for you, honey, and I don’t think that you were looking for me – but in spite of that we found each other. And we sure had some good times and learned to love each other and that’s just the biggest gift.
So I’m going to say ‘goodnight’, Keith, and go and try and sleep. Lots of tears tonight so I don’t know how I’ll go… If you family has done what they have in an attempt to upset me, they have done a f*cking good job. I am completely distraught and almost sick to my stomach I am so upset. I want to throw this goddamned keyboard against the wall. I couldn’t fix you and now I can’t fix me. But I go on, I plod on and, sadly, there will be a tomorrow for me. Tomorrow is a gift from God and I don’t even want it since it doesn’t have you in it anymore. Honey, I don’t want to wait until I’m an old lady to die and then see you again – I want you now, RIGHT NOW, and I am not a strong enough, brave enough person to off myself and get to jump the queue and see you that way.
Grizz, you need to come and visit me… and please, for God’s sake, deal with those damn people in BC. I love you, honey, but this is just getting to be too much.
I miss you and I’ll write to you again tomorrow….
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 5:08 pm
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