Saturday night, 14 April 2005 [11:00 p.m.]:
Hi there, Grizz, it’s me – thinking of you, missing you, loving you.I went out tonight and just got home. Went to a "tribute" show at a club that I belong to. I missed the first set and got there just in time for the second set. Unfortunately for me, they played a lot of Neil Diamond and songs from "Grease" which aren’t really my favourites. They did do "Brown-eyed Girl" which brought back a lot of memories of earlier times. Damn, honey, I sure wish that we could go out and listen to some music together.
Had to be at the Uni early today as we were putting on an ultrasonography seminar. Had to help out with registrations, "meet and greet" and doing the certificates for the attendees. We’ve got this cool certificate paper with the University crest on it – hey, I could do one of those ‘university degrees for $10’ sites – LOL!
You felt really close to me all day today – it’s a nice feeling. Damn, I wish I could have you back! That's another thing that I was thinking today - what a sad love story it is. Even after these months have gone by I still can hardly believe that you are gone. No, I have to say it stronger than that – I don’t completely accept that you are gone and it’s final. I can’t believe my good luck to have met you – I can’t believe my bad luck to have lost you.
I know you tried to apologise for hurting me and I even think that you might have wished that we had never met – that it would have been easier on me that way. Even knowing what I know now I still would have gone for it with you – honey, you are the very, very best. I guess maybe that’s the only regret that I have – that I am completely screwed as regards to other men. I mean, your average guy just doesn’t have a prayer compared to you. God made you, sweetheart, and then he broke the mold.
I was also thinking today how you said that you loved me more than anybody else could. You tell me that you love me and then five days later you are gone – oh, honey, it is so hard and I miss you so! I hang on to that image of you the day before you went to Paul’s ranch – you were on such a high and we talked about so many things and you sounded so well! "We’ll get together when we can" just rings in my mind and I will never forget any aspect of that last day that we had contact. Never, honey, never. I just hope that at the end of it all that you will be waiting for me. Yeah, I would like to meet somebody else, but when it all comes to an end at Heaven’s gate it’s you that I want standing before me. You said, "No one could love you more for sure" – now please make it true, honey, and help me in this life and wait for me in the other. Like you said to me "I have to know it."
I am getting to sad – I have to go. You would not believe what you have done to my face – my eyes are all red and puffy all the time – they just cannot stand up to all these tears. And I hate it when I get suicidal and feel like I could do anything to be with you. And, yes, I’m pretty sure that you would hate me feeling that way and would feel like I am breaking my Promises to you. It would help me, honey, if you and Clayton would visit me from time to time – PLEASE let me know it’s you, OK? I know that I said in a previous post that I wouldn’t summon you and that I would let you be to come or go as you wish but, my honey, I am really needing you right now. Please, honey, please – it is just too hard being without you.
Lost and broken-hearted and loving you –
- S.
P.S.: Did you know that your "fishingfool" and "K" names are still showing up on MSN Messenger? When they got the cable hooked up and I logged into Messenger, I just about died when your names came up on the screen. There they are, three months later, as if I needed anything to remind me of you – you are always with me, do you get that?
posted by Susan @ 5:55 pm
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