Thursday night, 19 May 2005 [10:30 p.m.]:
Hi, honey, it’s me.Gorgeous but chilly day today – the sun was out and the rain had washed everything, even the air, clean so it was beautiful but the sun had no warmth to it.
I left work early today as they owe me so many back hours and so I had a longer-then-usual session at the gym. Did I tell you that I bought a pair of black leather weight gloves – and the dye keeps coming out of them and staining my hands! Got the gloves mainly to protect my rings from getting scratched on the barbels and to keep me from getting calluses. On the way to the gym I stopped at the Walter Street house to see if the package had come there but the guy there was a visitor and didn’t know. He asked me to come back but when I went there after the gym no one was home. I kind of think that they haven’t received it but I am going to keep trying – I’ll make it arrive by force of will alone.
Honey, I know that I’ve been sounding a bit snarky lately and you’re not used to me being like that but I am starting to get angry – no, not with you, sweetheart, but with Alison and Colleen and whoever else is being a general pain in the a$$. It just isn’t right and in my opinion it is blocking me from starting to heal from the effect your death has had on me. I have so little to hold on to! I can’t complete the story, I can’t fix it in my mind (rest assured, it is firmly fixed in my heart), I can’t seem to make it make any kind of sense.
Grizz, not a moment goes by that I don’t think of you and miss you. When I get paid next week I’ll start putting money aside for my Canadian trip – it’ll be like a pilgrimage, really. Maybe when I get back to Oz after saying goodbye to you I’ll be able to live more in the moment and not be so hung up on you and our relationship. I’m never going to love you any less, I’m always going to be totally thankful that we had the time that we did have and I will always honour you. But, maybe, I can learn not to weep so and hurt so much inside. Help me if you can, my Grizz.
Thank you for loving me like you did –
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 11:43 pm
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