Monday evening, 6 March 2006 [6:15 p.m.]:
Hey, Hon…I’m in a mess and so very depressed. Everything, everything is wrong. I want so badly to talk to you – I want to find out what you reckon about everything here. I’d like to see it through your eyes and see what you make of it.
It’s a mess with Graham and I don’t know what to do. I think that right now I just have to let him be. He doesn’t want to hurt me; he says that and then he turns around and says something devastating. He doesn’t mean to, I know, but the net effect is the same.
I always want things in a hurry, don’t I? I’m not very patient and, to be honest, I don’t know how to “play” a man and get him to do what I want while they think all along it’s all their moves and their ideas. I never enrolled in ‘Dishonesty 101’ and I don’t know how to lie in wait like a black widow on her web calmly waiting for her next victim. I suspect that my “fools rush in” style is too entrenched to change.
I have to thank God for Chuck from DC – I don’t think he realises how much he helps.
I have been so, so suicidal. But, damn it, I am just too strong to go there. I think about it in the car but then I could never go ahead and wind up hurting someone else. Then there’s the pills – so easy to stockpile them and a pretty painless way to go. I was just sitting on the edge of the bed thinking, “What would they do at work if, day after day, I just don’t show up?” What would Wozza do? Who would look after Ruffie and the cats? How long would they go hungry before somebody worked it out? What about Steven next door? Anyway, I don’t think it’s going to happen but I do think about it and I do wonder.
Hon, I’m going to go. Oh, yeah, I haven’t heard from Don M. I thought for awhile there that we were OK with each other but now I’m not so sure. Maybe he just wants it all behind him and doesn’t need the reminders from me. I’d like very much to hear from him and he did, after all, promise to answer some of my questions (and that was more than a year ago – LOL!). Ah, we shall see – maybe he is just doing his usual workaholic thing.
‘bye, Keith. Sorry, but I am too, too sad to even love you right this minute – and that says one hell of a lot. I do miss you though and think of you always.
Help me, please?
- S.
posted by Susan @ 6:37 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home