Monday, 23 May 2005 [11:45 p.m.]:
Hey, there, my big sweet honey of a man! In spite of missing you like crazy, today was a beautiful, beautiful day. The past few days have been cold in the early morning but sunny and warming up by midday and the air is so crisp and clean. And tonight there was a plump and swollen full moon to shine down on us. It seemed only yesterday that it was a parched, skinny crescent.I went to the gym tonight (got stuck right into to it, too) and on the way home I stopped by 18 Walter Street. No, the guy there hasn’t received anything and your parcel hasn’t come here either. I haven’t heard a word from Don and I am so disappointed. I wonder what it is that I have done to make people so uncooperative (note, I stopped just short of saying ‘uncharitable’). I am trying to understand things from their points of view but it’s hard. And you know me – blunt, honest and intense as ever.
Grizz, I need the whole story, I really do. I am kind of marooned here with my version of events – I need to put things into perspective and find a balance. I can’t do that on my own. And I firmly, firmly believe that you can help to straighten things out down here. You were always a persuasive person but now you have an unearthly power to shape events and I am asking you to do that. Honey, I only want what you wanted for me – I am not asking for anything more. OK, that’s not completely true – there are parts of your story that I am missing and I would like to have the missing pieces filled in. Some of the things I’m wanting are so benign (like your birth date) and some are absolute showstoppers (think back to the 11th and the 12th, you know what I mean). And if you care about me like you said you did then I deserve these answers. Don’t get me wrong – I am not doubting you or loving or missing you any less! I know you know (and you knew then, too) that I love you and there isn’t any answer that I might get that might change that – I know who you are, Keith, and you are with me always.
My mother was the nicest woman I ever met and there are many, many people in Michigan (and elsewhere) who would agree with that. Well, Keith, you are the nicest, nicest man I ever met. How many thousands of men do you suppose I’ve met in my life? – relatives, boyfriends, teachers, workmates, acquaintances, neighbours, friends – and you are the nicest of them all. Always so enthusiastic, so polite and considerate, so funny, so talented, so fearless, so smart, so belligerent (LOL! – to be fair, I had to say it). How, in the name of God, could I not fall in love with you?
So our time together was pretty short and I fell in love with you long before you fell in love with me. But I know that you know me and you know me through and through. And, ya’, there’s things that you love about me. I am trying soooo hard to keep your Promises and I’m trying not to let these things like "the family" come between us or turn me into a sad and bitter woman. You deserve better than that.
I think that you might remember me telling you about the last letter that my mother wrote to me – it was postmarked 20 September 1991 and she had a severe stroke on the 21st and died before the letter arrived. I can see it here on my desk and it is sitting here waiting to be paired up with the letter that you wrote to me before you died and that your "family" apparently has not sent. I think that perhaps you have to accept that the trust you put in them was perhaps misplaced.
But overall, today was good – I had a good, warm, peaceful feeling about you all day today and only a few tears tonight while writing this. Thank you for making me feel good and feeling good about myself. Thank God you sent me so many pictures! – I’d be frantic without them (and you know, I’d take a thousand more). I want to hear the stories you told that Saturday night, I wanted to be one of the ones there listening and laughing with you. It hurts a bit to have been excluded when I don’t know why. I will wait until the end of the month and then I will write Don again – I’m sure he thinks that I am 1) a terrible pest and 2) completely nuts. Guilty as charged – I’m nuts about you, Grizz.
So I’m loving and missing you heaps as always. Here’s a massive hug to wrap yourself up in: **HUG**
- Susan
P.S.: I think I felt so good today because of your presence here yesterday and its effect on me – it was just such a warm, steady, "right" sort of a feeling. I hope I make you feel like that, too.
P.P.S.: Dunno why but I just got thinking about your Mom and wondering how she is doing. Like I said, I hope they never told her.
posted by Susan @ 9:50 pm
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