Saturday night, 19 March 2005 [11:45 p.m.]
Hey, there, honey. Today was exactly the kind of day you didn’t want me to have. I thought of you constantly, I cried heaps. At one point I just went and got in bed with your picture and sobbed and sobbed. I feel like a dumb animal – no memory, mute and helpless. There must be a way out of this but I don’t know how. Somehow your telling me that you loved me has made it all worse – I guess I could stand it better if I thought it was just me that was missing out. And, by your request, I wasn’t there for you at the end like I should have been.I’ve often thought about your first two letters to me and how polite and sweet you were. I don’t even know why you wrote me at all. But I’m glad you did and I hope to hell you are too. And I wish to hell you had never, ever said, "I am so sorry". Of all people, I am the last that you would ever need to say that to.
No stars tonight and nothing from Canada. My heart is shattered into a million pieces and I don’t know how it will ever be mended. I cry so often and think of you constantly – surprisingly, you have become almost like a burden or a heavy weight – you, the man who tried to lift me up and teach me to fly. It is so sad. It cannot go on like this, Keith, as strong as I am I cannot take this. You must find a way to help me. Please help them to contact me so I can have some relief from this. I have borne a lot in my life, a lot, lot more than you know, but I cannot take this. Please, honey, please. (Here I am, the one who tried not to ask you for anything, reduced to begging.)
- S.
posted by Susan @ 10:21 pm
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