Saturday morning, 19 March 2005 [10:00 p.m.]
Keith – Woke up to a brilliant, cool Australian autumn day. I looked at your picture and thought about your fly tying and your articles and the way you lived your life. I have such a hunger to know everything about you. Remember when you said how I could honour you in my life: "Well, as long as you honor me with living with what I believe in and that is a great life without holding back" (1 February 2005). I’m not sure that I really know how to do that right now, I think that all this terrible grieving is holding me back.So where does that bring me? Somehow, some way I have to let you go. To love you, to acknowledge you, to honour you, to keep my promises to you but to somehow let you go. I don’t know how to let you go and there are all these loose ends and unfinished stories. I don’t understand how Ken could know so much about you and I and our relationship and then just turn and walk away from me without a word (unless, of course, you asked him to and I think it would have been wrong of you to do that). If you did ask Ken not to contact me well then he won’t because I know he will honour any promises he made to you. Honey, he was such a good friend to you and helped you so much – and you were such a bloody handful, you rascal!
You probably would tell me not to worry about it, but I worry what the people at 108 and your family thinks about me. Don’s email said "Susan… you were spoken very highly of and he cared so much for you…" (18 February 2005); well, do people get that? Doesn’t that mean I deserve something – some consideration, some contact? I wasn’t a leech, I didn’t take from you (well, except for your hat!), I made no demands. All I ever tried to do was to help you enjoy your life and, in doing so, I enjoyed mine. And now I miss you so badly. God, it is so, so awful and I thank you for your attempts to shield me from this – thank you, Grizz, for looking after your Tiger.
I don’t think I can even begin to let go until I have heard from Don and until after I have received the package that you had sent. I wish I could forget all about them until their arrival was a pleasant surprise but right now I look out for them constantly. I am going to try and see if I can figure out who Ken is – scares me that one time you put his name in quotes – if his first name isn’t Ken or Kenneth (or however it’s spelled) I won’t have a prayer of finding him. But I found Alison’s address, didn’t I – that’s why I’m highly regarded as a research assistant at the Uni – I’m like a ferret at digging through information.
Time to get ready for the gym – they are only open until 1:00 p.m. on Saturday mornings. Hope I won’t cry there, I have been such a blubbering idiot lately.
Mountains of love headed your way, Grizz –
- Susan
P.S.: LOL! I remembered something today that I forgotten – "Mrs. Five-Star" – LOL!
posted by Susan @ 5:01 pm
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