Friday morning, 18 March 2005 [8:45 a.m.]
My Keith –Woke up early this morning with no alarm and no outside sounds and I found myself snuggled up to you cub picture. So I just lay there for awhile and held you and thought – about you and Alison and your house and all your hunting and fishing buddies. Jeez, I don’t know what to think sometimes – I don’t think that you ever lied to me but then there are discrepancies (like with April’s name in your Dad’s obituary) and, sh*t, I don’t know what to think. All compounded by the big silence from BC. You know I value honesty and that I was always 100% honest with you – even though I sort of wish now I hadn’t told you about my illnesses – that gave just one more thing for you to worry about.
Our relationship was pretty much all about you and I am OK with that. You were dying and your needs were greater than mine were (besides I got a hell of a kick out of the time that we spent together). So if were spent our time talking about your family and your friends and your pictures that was fun for us both. But it did mean that you didn’t get to know me as well as I know you. And you could be so private about things – I know you talked a bit to Ken and to Don and to some other of your friends but I am sure they never (except maybe for Ken) got much more than a glimpse of what our relationship was like. And that’s fine if that’s what you wanted. But it’s the reason, I think, that no one is including me in any celebration or mourning for your life. Grizz, it is very, very hard for me.
Out of everyone I feel the most for Alison – she almost feels like my sister. She lost you and she lost her Dad in so short a time and I know she spends time with your Mother – Alzheimer’s is a very cruel disease. You were OK with your Mom thinking you were your own nephew when you visited her but some people can’t handle that sort of thing so well. Anyway, Alison is in my thoughts even though I am sure she has no idea that many, many good wishes are on their way to her from Australia everyday.
Colleen? Well, I couldn’t give a stuff. You didn’t want to talk about it so we didn’t talk about it – I could care less. If anyone from the Abbotsford mob or the 108 Mile mob read this and are horrified, well, stiff. Keith, you called the shots on this one (like on so many things – LOL!) and I went along. I only know three things – you were no longer together when we met, you must have been legally married at the time of your Dad’s death and I have at least one photo here that Colleen took. That’s it, zip, end of story. Well, there is one other thing and that’s for my private heart to keep because I know you were very sick at the time you said it and it was only because your defences were down, I think, that it came out. Honey, I know you were hurting about it and I know there was very little I could do about it except to offer you my love and my acceptance and my support. You had all that by the bucket load, as much (or as little) as you wanted.
Well, the tears have started up again. No bloody wonder, I haven’t had my morning coffee yet and you know us two aren’t the best without our caffeine (thank you again, Alison, for your cross-stitch – Keith loved it and I love the photo I have of it).
Missing you, Grizz, so very much –
- S.
P.S.: Last night while Warwick and I were sorting and packing I found some winter clothes. So I guess that I would have been all right on the bus from Vancouver and up at 108.
posted by Susan @ 10:52 pm
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