Monday morning, 14 March 2005 [9:45 a.m.]
I woke up having the most awful thoughts – wishing I had an "Off" button so I didn’t have to love you anymore. That you weren’t so right for me, that you didn’t love me back, that I could make the pain go away (yours and mine). Yeah, I am suffering as you said I would and it is so awful. I am lost, lost, lost. Nothing from Canada yet, nothing and it only makes it worse. I get to play the role of the disregarded, unofficial, far-flung friend. Nobody looks out for me, I have to do it all by myself. Everything seems to be falling away. I even called this blog "Swept Away" and it is too true – you have been swept away from me forever. No, you can’t come back, but, I swear, if I could make some deal with God or the devil to bring you back and bring you back fit and well, I would do it. Even if one of the conditions meant that I could never have contact with you again – just to know you were in the world would be enough. Your friends and family could have you back and you could go on being the special, complex, stubborn, multi-talented man that you are.I love you and I miss you and I surely have cried a million tears in the month you have been gone. You are never far from my thoughts. If only I could hold you and feel your breath on my neck, if only you could talk to me and inspire me and give me a kick in the a$$. I am trying to keep the promises I made to you but right now I am so very depressed – you were a rudder in my life and now I am tossed on a sea of grief that seems dark and endless. Please try to part the clouds and let some sunlight shine into my life. Please, honey, I need you now even more than before.
- S.
posted by Susan @ 1:33 pm
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