Friday night, 18 March 2005 [8:00 p.m.]
Back from the gym. While I was there I got to thinking about how I am beating myself up for not being able to "fix it". When Warwick was very small he cried a lot. I’d turn myself inside out trying to find out what was wrong: was he wet, had an earache, sore tummy, needed a nap, hungry, wanted a snuggle, what? I felt so useless. I feel that way about you – I want to fix everything up. I want to make you well, I want to bring you back. I only want one more hour, one more sentence, one more phone call, one more email if you are going to be well. Only if you’re well. I want you back with your sisters and brothers and your kids and Mom and nephews and nieces and all your friends. If I could change places with you, I would. I’m older and I only have one brother left and he wouldn’t miss me anyway. It would be hard on Warwick but he’s tough and he’d get by. All my nieces have their own families and the people at work would get over it fairly quickly.You knew I’d take it hard, didn’t you? And you tried to push me away so I wouldn’t get hurt. But towards the end you started to depend on me and care for me and that only made me closer to you. Keith, I miss you so very, very much.
I’ve come to question just about everything (everything but you) but I firmly believe that when I die I will see you. I want to meet your Dad and Grandpa (remember how you said how much like him you were and I said that in that case I’d love him, too?). I’m sure he could teach this old Michigander a thing or two. And Clayton, of course. (Who has Clayton’s daughter’s blanket now, Keith?) And I’ll get my Mom over to see you and I know she approve of you 110% (just keep those tatts covered, ok?). And then I just want us to go off on our own for a while and just spend some time together, just us. We can do what ever you like – scare me sh*tless with your Hummer driving or you can teach me to cast (I am, like, so hopeless at it!) or go jet boating or we can go hiking or, yes!, whitewater rafting, yes!, that’s what we’ll do! We can hold each other tight and you’ll never be in pain or sick again. We can spend all the time together we never got to spend and catch up on everything. It makes me sad that you never got to see those photos of me that I had here for you – we missed out on so many things. I hope I die soon ‘cuz I don’t want to spend any more time apart. Well, wait – that sounds terrible! I made you some promises and I have to be here to keep them. Damn it, honey, I miss you so. I want you back. I want our time together. I want you to spend more time with my son (he loved Bill’s article, BTW). I want you to tell me again that you love me. I want you to be happy and I’d do just about anything to make that happen. Ya, we had a lot of fun and we were good buddies. I’m so glad that we met in spite of everything. As I said in my Valentine, "There are no regrets, only love."
‘bye my sweetheart…
- S.
posted by Susan @ 10:02 am
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