Saturday afternoon, 2 April 2005 [1:00 p.m.]:
Hi there, my very own honey.
Garage sale is on but I had to leave and come inside – I just got too teary. There was a lull in business so I grabbed a book to pass the time. Guess what – it fell open to a part from the Bible that I was going to send to Alison: “Love is patient…kind…does not act unbecomingly…is not provoked…does not take into account a wrong suffered…believes all things…hopes all things…endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, 7-8.) I know you didn’t set much store by the Bible but, ya’ know what? – I firmly believe you fulfil all those things. You were patient and kind, you believed in yourself, you endured a terrible illness and your love never failed any of us.
Anyway, it’s a damn good thing that I hadn’t yet written to Alison yet!!! Don’s letter last night made it perfectly clear that any contact from me would be totally unwelcome. Honey, you never told me that you kept the different areas of your life separate and not to get in touch with Alison! You told me so much about her and, as you can tell from what I’ve written about her, I care a lot for her. And you had always said that she’d contact me when you were gone – now how is it that it’s OK for her to contact me and me not to contact, even indirectly, your family? Now, not only do I have to miss you but I have lost contact with everyone except for Don. I don’t have much family, Keith, and now I’ve lost your family as well. I don’t think there is anyone around that is as dejected, rejected and broken hearted as me right now. [Now don’t I sound awful and self-centred? I mean there has been yet another earthquake in Indonesia and here I am raving on about you, apparently endlessly.] Honey, I don’t want to be like this and I am somewhat shocked that I am so broken hearted over you. You did not want me to be like this, either. I guess I didn’t know how much I loved you and didn’t know how much I would miss you when you were gone. But I wouldn’t change things, honey – as I’ve said a thousand times, I don’t regret a thing.
Don didn’t seem to think that I knew about you and your beery ways – LOL! And he said you “did things for a rush” – made me think about the way you drove that jetboat and, oh my gosh, your beloved sled! How many feet did you say you’d go without those treads touching the snow? – LOL! And I well remember the day you took your last sled ride and that picture you took then (and how Ken had hidden your truck keys – LOL! He is a good man, Keith – it’s very hard for me to accept that I will probably never speak to him again).
Don said that I should “move on” and that you’d be unhappy with me grieving like this and I am completely convinced that is true and I’ve mentioned it here before. Honey, I just don’t know how. Please, if you can, please help me. Take some time off from the fun you’re having and pull some strings. I really can’t take any more disappointments or any more loss in my life – too much has been “swept away” already.
Don told me about how your daughter (I’m going to try and not call her “April” any more ‘cuz I’m not 100% with it) spread your ashes from your friend’s plane and I think that is really cool. Where, honey, where? The Kitimat or East Arm or where? I’m pretty sure that’s the plane that you took the pictures of Paul’s ranch from and that you flew that time. Well, at least that’s one connection I had.
I asked Don if he would like the URL of this blog and he said that he would. Not sure how he is going to go with all of this. There is probably stuff he’ll disagree with and stuff he won’t have known but I don’t think you’ll have a problem with him looking at it. You had access to it and never told me not to say anything (except about the photos). In fact, I distinctly remember you saying that you had nothing to hide. Don seems like a nice, nice man and a good friend to you – thank God he has been willing to keep in contact! I think I’d lose it completely if it wasn’t for him ‘cuz I just couldn’t handle severing all ties with you. And the bloody parcel you wanted to have sent – Don thinks it may have been taken to Vancouver. He doesn’t know whether it has been posted or not and he said he will check (I guess with Alison) in about three weeks time when he gets back from his remote site. I’m hoping Don and I can remain friends. Well, acquaintances – you know what I mean. I’m pretty sure Don was one of the ones you discussed my arrival with and I’d like to hear what he has to say about the conversation. You had said all your friends agreed with you (like, as if they would disagree!) but I’d like to know the logic ‘cuz I never have understood it.
Honey, I have to go. I kinda feel like I can go back out there and not break down in tears – well, that’s a lie, I’m crying again this very minute, but whatever. Teach me how not to grieve for you so! Show how to be more positive in my life! If you can’t show me how to follow you to where you are then show me how to live my life as you have taught me. I don’t know how, I don’t know where to start. I am so saddened and surprised by your family’s reaction – Don was afraid that I would feel hurt but I’m not – more shocked than anything. Maybe it would have been better if you had said something to me, honey. But you and I don’t think alike on everything (me obsessive and you compulsive – LOL!) so I guess there were bound to be tangles. I forgive everybody everything EXCEPT if someone decides not to send your parcel to me. That will really piss me off (you, too, I think). One thing I (and everybody) have to keep in mind – we are grieving and sometimes you do kind of odd things when you are, so I (and everybody else) need to cut each other some slack. Just seems like it would be easier if we cared for each other a little more – after all, we have the most wonderful, special thing in common.
I have to go. Lost without you.
Garage sale is on but I had to leave and come inside – I just got too teary. There was a lull in business so I grabbed a book to pass the time. Guess what – it fell open to a part from the Bible that I was going to send to Alison: “Love is patient…kind…does not act unbecomingly…is not provoked…does not take into account a wrong suffered…believes all things…hopes all things…endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, 7-8.) I know you didn’t set much store by the Bible but, ya’ know what? – I firmly believe you fulfil all those things. You were patient and kind, you believed in yourself, you endured a terrible illness and your love never failed any of us.
Anyway, it’s a damn good thing that I hadn’t yet written to Alison yet!!! Don’s letter last night made it perfectly clear that any contact from me would be totally unwelcome. Honey, you never told me that you kept the different areas of your life separate and not to get in touch with Alison! You told me so much about her and, as you can tell from what I’ve written about her, I care a lot for her. And you had always said that she’d contact me when you were gone – now how is it that it’s OK for her to contact me and me not to contact, even indirectly, your family? Now, not only do I have to miss you but I have lost contact with everyone except for Don. I don’t have much family, Keith, and now I’ve lost your family as well. I don’t think there is anyone around that is as dejected, rejected and broken hearted as me right now. [Now don’t I sound awful and self-centred? I mean there has been yet another earthquake in Indonesia and here I am raving on about you, apparently endlessly.] Honey, I don’t want to be like this and I am somewhat shocked that I am so broken hearted over you. You did not want me to be like this, either. I guess I didn’t know how much I loved you and didn’t know how much I would miss you when you were gone. But I wouldn’t change things, honey – as I’ve said a thousand times, I don’t regret a thing.
Don didn’t seem to think that I knew about you and your beery ways – LOL! And he said you “did things for a rush” – made me think about the way you drove that jetboat and, oh my gosh, your beloved sled! How many feet did you say you’d go without those treads touching the snow? – LOL! And I well remember the day you took your last sled ride and that picture you took then (and how Ken had hidden your truck keys – LOL! He is a good man, Keith – it’s very hard for me to accept that I will probably never speak to him again).
Don said that I should “move on” and that you’d be unhappy with me grieving like this and I am completely convinced that is true and I’ve mentioned it here before. Honey, I just don’t know how. Please, if you can, please help me. Take some time off from the fun you’re having and pull some strings. I really can’t take any more disappointments or any more loss in my life – too much has been “swept away” already.
Don told me about how your daughter (I’m going to try and not call her “April” any more ‘cuz I’m not 100% with it) spread your ashes from your friend’s plane and I think that is really cool. Where, honey, where? The Kitimat or East Arm or where? I’m pretty sure that’s the plane that you took the pictures of Paul’s ranch from and that you flew that time. Well, at least that’s one connection I had.
I asked Don if he would like the URL of this blog and he said that he would. Not sure how he is going to go with all of this. There is probably stuff he’ll disagree with and stuff he won’t have known but I don’t think you’ll have a problem with him looking at it. You had access to it and never told me not to say anything (except about the photos). In fact, I distinctly remember you saying that you had nothing to hide. Don seems like a nice, nice man and a good friend to you – thank God he has been willing to keep in contact! I think I’d lose it completely if it wasn’t for him ‘cuz I just couldn’t handle severing all ties with you. And the bloody parcel you wanted to have sent – Don thinks it may have been taken to Vancouver. He doesn’t know whether it has been posted or not and he said he will check (I guess with Alison) in about three weeks time when he gets back from his remote site. I’m hoping Don and I can remain friends. Well, acquaintances – you know what I mean. I’m pretty sure Don was one of the ones you discussed my arrival with and I’d like to hear what he has to say about the conversation. You had said all your friends agreed with you (like, as if they would disagree!) but I’d like to know the logic ‘cuz I never have understood it.
Honey, I have to go. I kinda feel like I can go back out there and not break down in tears – well, that’s a lie, I’m crying again this very minute, but whatever. Teach me how not to grieve for you so! Show how to be more positive in my life! If you can’t show me how to follow you to where you are then show me how to live my life as you have taught me. I don’t know how, I don’t know where to start. I am so saddened and surprised by your family’s reaction – Don was afraid that I would feel hurt but I’m not – more shocked than anything. Maybe it would have been better if you had said something to me, honey. But you and I don’t think alike on everything (me obsessive and you compulsive – LOL!) so I guess there were bound to be tangles. I forgive everybody everything EXCEPT if someone decides not to send your parcel to me. That will really piss me off (you, too, I think). One thing I (and everybody) have to keep in mind – we are grieving and sometimes you do kind of odd things when you are, so I (and everybody else) need to cut each other some slack. Just seems like it would be easier if we cared for each other a little more – after all, we have the most wonderful, special thing in common.
I have to go. Lost without you.
- Susan
posted by Susan @ 12:12 pm
1 Comments:
Susan ... I am empathizing with you. Been there ... exactly there ... where you are now. I too found myself accidently at the "Love is...." verses in the Bible. Where you are now, nothing is an accident. I believe they find a way to reach out to us ... signs that they are still around, only in a different form. Hugs to you. {{{{{{{{{{{Susan}}}}}}}}}}}}
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