Easter Sunday afternoon, 27 March 2005 [4:45 p.m.]
Hello, my Grizz.Today has turned out to be a sparklingly beautiful day – just the sort of day you want on Easter. I seem unable to motivate myself, however, and the vast majority of our stuff remains unpacked. I feel as if I am in quicksand or trying to walk through a vat of sludgy concrete – I feel a physical pressure on my legs, arms and torso. Inside me is a large and impossibly heavy boulder, which is suspended by a rope from the place where my heart used to be. It is hard to move, to breathe, to eat. Incredibly, some small part of me still waits for you and wonders when you will telephone or message or email.
I think often of Alison. I have to write her, if only to extend my sympathy to her. And Don – the time has come for me to write him again but I have been unable to do so.
And as for Ken – I think there is a possibility that I have located him and I must compose a letter to him as well. What to say? Keith, he proved his love for you and every single one of us that care about you owe him our heartfelt thanks. Plus, there are my questions and I know he made Promises to you, too, and I am sure he will hold them as sacred as I hold mine. So, even if I do find him, he may not be able to help me come to terms with your death even if he wanted to.
I am going leave it there for now, honey, I will try to write later tonight. Love –
- S.
posted by Susan @ 8:24 am
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