Saturday night, 26 March 2005 [9:15 p.m.]
Hey ya, my very best buddy. Missing you so and there were a few times today that I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Last night, when I sat on the bed reading, I asked you for a sign – that you were out there somewhere, that you remembered and missed me, that we’d see each other again. This morning Wozza and I went out to the front yard to start setting up for the garage sale. Several mynahs bullied a sulfur-crested cockatoo into a juniper tree in our yard. The mynahs left him alone and he bounced and danced like they do and then he started eating the berries from the tree. He kept looking at us and raising his crest. We think he got a little pissed from the berries – I started to cry and I had to leave but Warwick said that the mynahs came back and chased him away but before he left he broke off a small branch from the tree and flew off with it. He was here a long time and we have heard cockies here before but never, ever seen them in our yard. I’d like to believe it was you.The garage sale was chaotic. Advertised to start at 10 a.m. we had twenty-five people at 9:30 (when we were only just beginning to bring stuff out ‘cuz it had rained up to the start). After deducting what we spent on advertising, we made about $250 and didn’t even sell the ‘fridge! I’m very tired with a sore back and it seems much later than it really is. I am going to have a lovely sleep-in tomorrow morning and stay all cuddly in bed for as long as I please. Then I’m going to get up and spend about an hour washing my hair. You know it’s quite long (and curly) so it’s a bit of a pain to wash but tomorrow I am just going to enjoy getting clean – I feel like a real grot. Hey! I found my Colorado fishing licence from way back when. I also found a speech made by Chief Seattle in 1854 about the First Nations’ people’s connection to the land and to nature. If I had found it sooner I would have typed it out and emailed it to you. Perhaps your nephew and nieces would like it?
I rang the grief counselling line again last night (I’m sorry, honey, but I had a bad time last night) to talk mainly about Alison. I don’t know how you’d feel about me contacting her. I’m not sure how to tell her how I feel – about her as well as about you. From what you have told me, I am so fond of her and I feel so sorry for her. I’ve got no idea of how she feels about me – I’m worried she may be unhappy with me because I said that I would come. Yeah, I’m also worried that you asked her to contact me and she just wasn’t able to do that so I am concerned for her.
I am worried about my package – worried about us moving and the package not making its way to us. I hoping it arrives safe and sound and soon – I’m also hoping that you ignored my refusal of Clayton’s autographed book. Honey, I am just not a greedy person – when you said you wanted to rededicate it and send it to me, I just felt that was too big a gesture on your part. Silly me, it’s sad the way I am sometimes but that is me. Just as you have very definite ideas about some things, so it is with me. I told Wozza that I was afraid that if we were together that we might fight but he says no, that strong people respect each other. But honey, I love you so much, I’d spoil the crap out of you. You’d just be wrapped up in love constantly, no matter what. And, ya, I can let go and wouldn’t have to have you by my side all the time – I’d want you to be out ‘doin’ what ya gotta do’ and having all the fun you deserve. My very special, much-loved honey.
And now I am going to bring up something fairly shocking (well, it will shock others but not you - I am sure it will please you). Honey, remember when you said that one day you’d be gone and that I should move on? Well, ya, somehow I have to. I cannot keep up this grieving, it just cannot go on like this. I need to be distracted – I need to meet somebody else. I know you won’t mind, in fact, it’s what you wanted. Can you, please, honey help me find somebody else? Somebody good to me like you were and fun and funny and interesting and educated and moral. You always, always, always tried to make things better for your friends and family – you put us all first and sometimes we didn’t even recognise that you had. And you had all these talents and skills! You were this Canuck superman and the funniest thing is that you were a complete SNAG while, at the same time, being a real man’s man. You have set the bar pretty high, my friend, and you will be a pretty hard act to follow. So there, if you get bored up there in Heaven, you’ve got your work cut out for you fixing your Susan up!
Keith, I love you with every heartbeat and I miss you so – especially around the time in the evening when we used to message or telephone. At those times, I think about what we had. When I go to bed at night, I look at your picture and think about what might have been. I promised you’d I’d be OK and I am, I’m just taking it very hard. Not knowing anything and you not really saying goodbye is making it fairly unbearable. Believe me – I WOULD NOT HAVE STOPPED YOU!!! I would have held your hand and helped you to reach out to Clayton. Yes, I am selfish but my love for you is stronger than my selfishness and I would have helped you and made sure you weren’t alone. You could have depended on me, Keith. Of everyone you know it was down to me – you should have trusted me more.
Well, there I go – sounding cranky again. But you know I’m not and you know I love you. I firmly believe that we were meant for each other, that we were walking on converging paths. You weren’t meant to get cancer (and a rare one at that), you weren’t supposed be taken away so soon. There were so many things you had to show me and I had so many things to share with you.
I’m thinking of travelling to BC in November. That way I can pick a huge armload of jacaranda blossoms and bring them to you – you wanted to see them so badly! If you were buried, well, that will be easy. But if you been cremated and your ashes scattered at that river site you mentioned well, I’ll have my work cut out for me – but don’t underestimate the tenacity of the woman [I’m sure I can hire some guide to take me there (I might even get a jetboat or hummer ride out of it!)]. I guess it all depends on whether I can get any info from Don or Alison ‘cuz if they decide not to share you with me, well, then I’m screwed. And what a shame that will be!
I just thought about that first long letter you wrote me (not that first short letter) and how very sweet and earnest you were. I should have known right then and there how special you were and paid more attention right from the beginning. Ya, you were born in the Year of the Boar (1959) but honey – I can’t remember the date!! I feel terrible I’ve forgotten and how many other things did I let slip away before I found out you meant the world to me???
My heart feels so heavy right now – just a weight in my chest like a stone – it’s the thing that keeps me from you. If only it would stop, we could be together [when you weren’t off fishing, riding motorcycles, fixing computers, taking photos, tying flies, shooting bear with arrows, shooting bucks with rifles, riding in pickups with ZZ Top up high, telling yarns with your friends, delighting your family, talking with your Dad and Grandpa, eating elk stew and shooting at "pecker-woodies" and "tree-rats" (and, bugger, I forgot your beloved sled)] whenever you had the time! Look, honey, I’ll be your very best buddy for always. I don’t know how long it will take before I get there but yours is the very first face I will look for. You are with me always and like your very last words to me "we’ll get together when we can" [9 February 2005].
I promise I am OK – you can’t worry about me because you earned your rest, sweetheart.
- love, Susan
posted by Susan @ 11:38 am
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