Tuesday, 22 February 2005 [10:45 p.m.]
Honey, I am so tired tonight that I’m not going to be able to write much. I didn’t get to bed last night until after 2 a.m. Usual things today – saw a huge dragonfly at Uni today and, of course, I immediately thought of you. And there was another, smaller one in the backyard when I got home from work – I got to thinking, are you sending these to me to help make me feel better?I’m crying a little right now (first time today) thinking about how hard you tried to keep from hurting me. And the two times you tried to apologise to me – sweetie, you had nothing to be sorry for. I went into the thing knowing the risks, knowing about the cancer and with my eyes completely open because we were always honest with each other. You know that I accepted you 100% and with absolutely no reservations – I don’t focus on the physical aspects of a person so whether you lost weight or looked so tired like you did in that photo taken on 30 January in Vancouver with Kisa, it just didn’t matter to me. Only that it was so hard for you to watch yourself failing and becoming so different from the strong man that you had once been. If only we could have changed places but even if it were possible I know you never would have agreed, your urge to protect me would have forbidden it. My dear, dear friend.
I’ve got to go to bed, I’m so strung out and tired. Last thing I need right now is to not get enough sleep. I don’t know what’s going on with the music thing – I’m just not listening any more – not even to my "Songs for Keith" playlist. Maybe tomorrow, we’ll have to see. But I think I’m doing really good – lots better, in fact, than I expected. I suppose it’s because I knew you were sick from the beginning but I think we both thought you’d be around for awhile longer than you were. Anyway, I’ve done well and I know it’s partly because of all the memories and good times we had and I know you’re supporting me and helping me along and it makes me love you even more.
I bet you thought Heaven was all clouds and angels and fog and what not. Well, it’s not – not yours anyway! I’m sure there is an avenue of jacarandas always in flower and woods full of game and rivers full of fish and sleds and motorbikes, hottubs and Dodge even have a dealership with plenty of (free!) pickups to select from. So enjoy it all and have fun, you certainly have deserved your rest. I’ll get up there eventually and you can show me the jacarandas this time around!
‘night, sweetheart –
Susan
posted by Susan @ 12:48 am
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