An open, on-going letter to Keith
I’m going to jot down thoughts to you, my dearest Keith, to celebrate our time together and maybe look at the present and the future. I sort of opted for the long haul so I guess you are stuck with me even now!Saturday, 19 February 2005: I’ve just come from the Uni Campus after dropping off some course notes and I had a really good laugh about something we shared together – unfortunately, now that I’m home I can’t remember what it was. ;-( (How much you liked to use smileys in your MSN Messages!) It’s terribly hot today and I was wondering how you’d enjoy it here in Australia and our "bush". I don’t believe you’re used to this sort of heat, just as I am no longer used to your cold. On the way out to Uni I was thinking how you have sort of condemned me to living in the city. To keep my second promise to you and do research I will have to stay near by a city with a large enough hospital or university centre to do research. Well, I did promise and I will do what I have to do [LOL! I remember you saying to me the first time we spoke on the telephone that "I gotta do what I gotta do" – I got the impression then that when you finished "doing" it, that we could be together but maybe I was wrong and you were just referring to your battle with cancer and that you had to see it through to the end. No – I have just re-read that and I am certain that you meant that when you completed unfinished business (the cancer) then we would take our relationship further.] But, honey, you will live in my heart for always so, in a sense, we will always be together. I know that at this very moment you are with your Grandpa and Clayton and your Father and I am so glad that Clayton was there to help you across. I have asked my Mother to come and visit you – Keith, she is an angel of a woman – when you look into her eyes you will feel a profound peace. Please come to me from time to time and I do look forward to the time when you will be there for me like Clayton was for you. You will have much to show me then and I will have gained much to share with you.
I am so sorry that I made you so angry when I told you I was coming. I never meant to cause you any distress, ever. At that point it would have been wrong of me to tell you that you were wrong and try to explain why. But your mind was quite made up on the subject and I accepted what you had once said before about me being selfish and let you have your way – after all, you were sick and I was not. I just think we missed some precious moments together – I look at your strong shoulders in that picture with the two-day-old cub and I just want to throw my arms around your neck and hold you. Maybe on the other side, eh? One thing I have missed by not coming is seeing 108 and your place and what it’s like - where you sat at the computer and where Loomis’ was when you got your packages and letters. I wanted to see it all, to add it to my inventory of all things Keith.
I think one of the things that blew me away the most was when you said "guess what no one loves ya more for sure" [7 February – our last MSN Message] – I never expected you to say that. I never dreamed you would – you just seemed too bloke-y for that; too tough, too harsh (but soooo lovable nonetheless). So you caught me by surprise and made me pleased and proud. That love will help me get through my promises and help me cope with the grief I am going through now without you. I don’t have a clue what I am going to do with all the spare time I’m going to have now that we are not going to be online for hours everyday.
I didn’t get to tell you but there is a jacaranda around the corner on Spring Garden Street that has blossoms on it at this time of year!! Keith, this just doesn’t happen – it is far too late. Do you think that they are there for you?
I am going to say "goodnight for now, my darling" even though I know you might think it’s too intense. You tried so hard to protect me from my own emotions and from feeling undue grief – I thank you for that. But each gets to choose their own path and if I wasn’t the loving person that I am you might never had told me that you loved me. Just rest in that love, Keith, and the love of so many others who love you – no more pain or care or worry for you any more.
- all my love, Susan.
posted by Susan @ 6:37 pm
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