29 November 2004
When Rick left I said to myself that there was no way that I was going to sit around alone with nowhere to go and no one to see. Our relationship had been fairly socially isolating and I needed to effect a change in my life. I bought myself some jewellery. I played music - loud. I registered on Lavalife, an introduction agency.The night that I registered I scrolled through hundreds of photos and profiles of men of various ages - there were so many they started to merge into one another. Except for one.
There was a picture of a Canadian man who was forty-five years old and he was kneeling at the side of an adult tiger. His profile said that he was into hunting, fishing, snowmobiling, camping, horseback riding and more. He reminded me so much of my childhood in Michigan but it was that tiger that drew me in. In the Lavalife vernacular I "sent him a smile" with a tiny verse attached: "I couldn't resist your love of the outdoors".
A short answer came back straight away - his name was Keith and he gave me his email address and suggested that I might like to converse via MSN Messenger. On the thirtieth I sent him an email about me and he replied on the third of December.
He had quit his job to move to rural British Columbia so he could hunt and fish - in off times from his job he had worked as a hunting and fishing guide like his grandfather before him. He also worked as a wildlife photographer and he told me about Kisa, the tiger in the photo.
He told me about his son and daughter, about his house and about his computer geeky tendencies. He told me how to download MSN Messenger and that the time difference shouldn't be a problem as he was a committed night owl! He included a link to one of his webpages with lots of hunting and fishing photos, as well as wild animal shots.
We emailed a lot and were on Messenger often. We went into the thing with no expectations but we rapidly became friends. One night on Messenger, he seemed to think that I was upset about something and asked me if he could telephone me. We spoke for hours (later on he told me that the bill was over $80!). Two weeks after we had met Keith gave me the news - he had leukaemia. I was shocked - my guts dropped and heaved inside of me. If he thought that I would cut and run at the news, he was very wrong. If anything, it only made me more loyal to him.
Three weeks after meeting him, I graduated from the University of Sydney as a Radiation Therapist and that week he asked if he could take me to Seoul with him where he was seeking an alternative cancer treatment. He asked me to research the airfares and whether he should come to Sydney and us both fly up to Seoul together or if I should meet him there. I remember telling him that I didn't have any extra money and that he should really worry about whether his kids were provided for instead of treating me to a trip to Korea. But he insisted and I sent him an email outlining the fares. He never replied.
I continued to send emails and cards. Christmas and then New Year's came and went and, except for a very brief line on Messenger on Christmas Eve, I heard nothing. I assumed that he had changed his mind and didn't want the relationship to continue. I even dissed on him here in this blog with my post of 5 January 2005: "for Keith - a song by Sonia Dada".
One night during the second week of January a line from Keith appeared in Messenger - "I'm sorry, I haven't been a very good friend, have I?" It turned out that he had been sick and had been down in Vancouver. I was thrilled to have him back and we began our nightly habit of looking at various of Keith's photos and hearing the stories that went with them. He told marvellous stories: about hunting and fishing, about his friends and family, about his house and his pickup truck, about his Dad and Grandpa and his friend, Clayton. He spoke to my son, Warwick, and tried to motivate him. He talked about jet boats, "tree rats" (squirrels), trophies, cooking, music, photography, philosophy, motivation, positive thinking, about fellow cancer patients Jimmi and Bruno and more. Lots more.
Of course, I fell in love.
A friend of his who was a doctor, Ken, came to stay with him. At first I didn't realise just how sick he was - I don't think he did, either. He tried to protect me - he said that he had grieved so much when his Father had died and he didn't want me to feel that way over him. I was way too committed to leave him. I turned myself inside out trying to think of things that would please him. I had just enough money to buy a ticket to Vancouver and a Greyhound ticket to where he lived and I told him that I would come. I was thinking that it would be good for Ken to have some backup (and I have a fair bit of experience in cancer patient care) and Ken would be able to take a break knowing that someone else was there. And there was a selfish reason as well – I wanted very much to be with Keith. Keith absolutely forbade it and I do not know why. One reason he gave was that he said that he wanted me to remember him as he was and not the way he had become.
Keith told me on the seventh of February that he loved me. I was very surprised, very honoured, very humbled. We spoke on the telephone twice on the ninth. He told me his plans for the next couple of days and that he was going to Paul's ranch for a day or two.
Days went by with no word. On the eighteenth I called a couple of times and sent an email. That night I received an email from one of Keith's friends.
Keith, who tried so hard to love me by shielding me, who was my very best friend and my most amazing lover, died on the night of Saturday, 12 February 2005.
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My world has shifted on its axis and nothing is the same any more. But I have Keith's love to buoy me up. He was the most wonderful mentor and taught me a new way to look at the world. He was my "Grizz" and I was his "Tiger Woman". The two Promises he asked me to make will take time to achieve - one will take years; but I have already begun to work on them and they will not be forgotten.
On the first of February I said to him that I asked a lot of questions and listened to so many stories as a way of honouring him by being able to remember him when he was gone. He said, "Well, as long as you honor me with living with what I believe in and that is a great life without holding back."
All my plans have fallen through,
All my plans depend on you, depend on you to help them grow,
I love you and that's all I know.
But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast.
They come too fast but they pass too slow.
I love you and that's all I know.
Jimmy Webb
I write Keith a letter every night and, starting tomorrow, I am going to post them to the blog daily.
Bright eyes, burning like fire!
Bright eyes, how can you close and fail?
How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly burn so pale?
Bright eyes.
Art Garfunkel
posted by Susan @ 9:49 pm
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