Sunday, 20 February 2005 [4:30 p.m.]
Last night I worked on your photo album/scrapbook and I carried on quite merrily and was hardly upset at all. Unfortunately, after hours of work, I found out that you cannot save the album pages and captions you make in Picasa to print them on a non-networked printer. You either have to print them immediately or upload them to a photo printing service – as if there are some in Australia! Besides, I’m not going to upload expensive colour photos for printing until I see the quality of the results. I was going to make up the album pages in Picasa (grrrr – I spent hours putting the captions on) and save them to disk and take them to Kinko’s for printing. Damn! But, as I said, I had a good night and it was a bit like being with you and talking about the people and places in your photos like we used to do.It was so kind of Don to email me about your death – I guess Alison just couldn’t bring herself to do it. He was so very sweet and he said that later when we are all coping a bit better he will try to answer some of my questions. One thing that bugs me is the fact that you had said on the ‘phone that you expected that Warwick and I would come and visit the place that you were buried. Then, in a later call, you said that you were going to be cremated and your ashes spread in a practically inaccessible wilderness spot by a river. Bothers me a bit that I have no idea what is going on in BC and have no part in it. I’m sure your friends and family, everybody really except maybe for Ken, have no real idea what was happening with us. Don said that you spoke highly of me but I think you kept most of our relationship in your private heart. And, honey, that’s fine. I so much hope that I made your final days more pleasant. I know you got very angry when I said that I was flying over and I am sorry I caused you distress – I never meant to as you know.
We last spoke twice on the 9th of February and we had such a great conversation! I knew you were going to Paul’s ranch for a couple of days but of course I had no idea that in just four days you would be gone from me forever, at least in a physical sense. I felt something was amiss when you didn’t ring or message and I tried so hard to give you your space and not ring – you were always the one to initiate the Messenger sessions! Well, I waited too long because when I couldn’t stand it any more you had already been gone for five days. I should have called you that weekend after the Chinese New Year celebrations and sent you the photos of Warwick and the lion dancers.
And just as we had said when we last spoke, we had photos for each other. I had some of me to send – you had not seen very many pictures of me and I especially wanted you to see these. And I wonder what ones you had for me – were they ones from your trip to Vancouver, ones of the family and of Kisa??
I think the only consolation is that you are freed from the way your body was letting you down and from the pain and other problems you were having to endure. As I have said, I do not regret my tears or my grief – in spite of you trying so hard to shield me from that. You have given me so much and pledged me to promises that will only benefit me in keeping. You always remembered my son and were such a wonderful mentor to him. You were more like a father to him in three months than his own father has been in several years. Again, I thank you.
Sweetheart, I miss you. But I have to get used to the feeling because I will always do so. Last night someone came on MSN Messenger and I heard that chime and my brain got this momentary thrill thinking it was you. It never again will be you and I will, in time, come to accept that.
OK, you great big Canuck woodsman, it’s time for me to go. Here’s a hug for you in whatever heaven you’ve wound up in - *hug*
Looking forward to receiving the package that Don said you were having mailed to me – I hope you ignored my request and decided to send Clayton’s book anyway. It was only because I was so shocked and honoured that I said you shouldn’t (but I hope now you did!).
Goodnight, my dearest, dearest friend –
Susan.
posted by Susan @ 1:15 am
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