Tuesday night, 7 February 2006 [9:00 p.m.]:
| Hey, there, Fat Fingers! Here it is, such terrible things were happening this time last year, and I’m calling you "Fat Fingers" and teasing you – oh, well, I bet I made you smile! The most amazing thing has happened!!! (You probably have to live in New South Wales to appreciate this, or the Southern Hemisphere at the very least…) Today while I was driving in to work I saw a jacaranda in bloom! This is ridiculous – it’s into February and we had an early season this year as well. It was at the intersection of Vaughan Street and Harrow Road and it happens to be one of the tress that I had picked flowers from to take to you and Clayton. If I remember to take my camera in the morning, I’ll take a photo of it. Honey, you got back from Mexico a year ago today and it was the most awful day. You got on Messenger really late (like usual, you night owl) and you thought that you had missed me. You started to say goodbye to me – it was awful… I caught you in time before you logged off and it was a very sobering conversation – at least you told me that I was your friend, that you needed to know that I was going to be OK without you and you told me that nobody else could love me as much as you do – you completely blew me away. But what you didn’t say, until the very, very end of the conversation, was that you had retinal haemorrhages and you had lost your vision – you, the hunter, had gone blind. Oh, honey, and I tried to keep up your spirits – I could never, ever think of you as being anything less than positive – so I told you to go outside anyway and face where Ursa Major would be and wish on your star even though you couldn't see it. I hope you (and Ken) didn’t think me heartless, cold and uncaring. But I just never thought of you as someone who would want to be fussed over and I was trying anything that might keep you from getting too depressed. You are my very Treasure, Keith, and it’s so hard and I loved you and I still love you and I miss you so very much. I didn’t hear from you on the 8th but you were great on the 9th – I think maybe the fact that you had made up your mind about what you were going to do sort of freed you and I’m so glad we spoke those times on the 9th. Anyway, more about that in my post on the ninth. I have to close now and work on my resume and covering letter for my job. Things are so bad at work right now: first the job application thing and, unbelievably, Jill gave me just today a whole new section for the Cardiac Sonography subject and they are due in students’ hands by March 3rd. I simply cannot believe it as she knows I already have Physics & Instrumentation 1 and 2 (2 is mostly done), Vascular Sonography and a tidy up of Sono in OB/GYN already in the queue ahead of it – how can I possibly get it all done? Kerrie is the only one who could possibly help me and she is swamped herself. Anyway, enough of this bitching – while this stuff is all really small fish compared to what’s really important in life, my job with the Uni is threatened right now in spite of all that I do (and have done) for them. ‘nuff said. Tearing myself away ‘cuz I have to work on the job application – I’d rather sit here and feel closer to you (I feel close to you always but work does tend to take you off centre stage a bit) but I have to go. I think of you sleeping, your breathing shallow and even, with your back to me, lying on your left side. I crawl into bed next to you, careful not to wake you. I push my back up against yours and feel your breathing vibrating through me. I close my eyes. And I sleep. If I say, "I want to see you again", people will think that I am crazy, that we have never met. But you and I know that we have and that we will do again. Good night, my love – - S. |
posted by Susan @ 10:11 pm
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