Wednesday morning, 28 December 2005 [11:00 a.m.]:
| ‘morning, KD! Well I’m not exactly here ‘bright and early’ but it is still morning and here I am again. Thinking about you heaps lately, I guess because this was such a pivotal time last year. And thanks so much, again, for the hat – I just love it and the sentiments behind it (on both our sides). The cigarette smell keeps fading but your smell is coming out of it now – sometimes it flows down across my nose and face like Horseshoe (Niagara) Falls. Just this morning one of the cats (Tzatziki) walked up to it and ‘loved’ it like cats do, rubbing her cheeks and neck all over it. The cats all seem to know you and like you but Ruffie is just a pup and not as spiritual a being as the cats are. At least she doesn’t bark at you the few times that you have visited. You wouldn’t believe the weather – in Abbotsford it’s gotten as high as 54o F in the past few days. I guess this means crappy skiing at Whistler then. Seeing the weather there (it’s on my home page) always make me think very fondly of Jess and less so of Alison. (Well, face it, she wasn’t very nice to me last year and, yeah, yeah, she was upset, too, etc., etc.) I bet you are very much in theirs thoughts right now like you are in mine given what was happening a year ago. How awful, awful, awful to find you, love you, lose you like I did. Harder for them since they had you longer. How I would have loved to go on a fly fishing expedition with you and Jess; in the few sentences I’ve seen her write (on FAOL) she sounds like a lovely girl and so open and enthusiastic and positive like you. Funny, I thought about Craig yesterday, too – after kicking Warwick out of the house and having him come over here with Alison to get his gear made me bring Craig to mind – I’m so sorry that it never got patched up before you had to leave. Was thinking yesterday about how you said that you were non-religious (bet Alison was horrified!). Well maybe you didn’t attend Sunday services and hadn’t for years but I think that you were one of the most spiritual persons I have ever met. You know there were those times that you and I connected on that level and think about you and Don and the stars and your relationship with Clayton and your Grandpop. Honey, these go beyond the plane of the everyday, concrete, here and now world. I don’t know a lot about your relationship with the animals that you hunted but it wouldn’t surprise me if there wasn’t something there that took it beyond the hunter/hunted relationship. It’s times like these that I miss you because I am missing so many of your stories. But when you come to take me home, we will have plenty of time then to talk. I have to go – I haven’t even had my shower yet this morning and it almost isn’t morning any more! I’m thinking of you constantly - I think that from the way that it is going now that the next couple of months are going to be extremely difficult to get through because every day is jam packed solid with reminders of you. Wondering how it is with Don and how his Christmas is and if he got any time off – I kind of think that he might not have since he had so much time off when his truck broke down and then was in Van for Thanksgiving and sent your parcel on. I really, really respect that bloke and although he probably thinks I don’t listen to any of his advice I do take all of it onboard even though it doesn’t always change my mind or memories about certain things. Got an e-mail from my travel agent today – he thinks that I should book the air tickets in mid-February. That seems crazy in a way – I should have been there helping Ken in Jan-Feb 2005 not making travel arrangements in Feb 2006! But you couldn’t really tell me why I couldn’t show up on the twelfth, could you, Keith? You thought I’d freak, you thought I’d beg you to stay, you thought that I couldn’t handle it. If you had known me half so well as I know you, you would have wanted your Tiger to be there with you and I would have happily worn any consequences that flowed on from that. Having brought all this painful stuff up, I guess I haven’t ever told you how brave I think that you were for making the choices that you made. (But there has never been any doubt as to the fact that you always have been a very brave person.) But you didn’t have to be alone, you sweetheart. You know really it probably would have been easier for me if I had helped you at the end and been there for you because I know that, in spite of what the community thinks, I would have been doing the right thing. If any of your friends or family read this and think "Do you think that she actually knows?" – Yes, I do know, and I have known for a very, very long time. No way in hell could I have been as close to you as I was and *not* know. But thanks for worrying about me and sorry I scared the crappers out of you when I told you on the ‘phone that I was on my way. I regret that I didn’t get on that plane but I understand 100% where you were coming from and your attempt to stay in control of what was happening to you. You did try to protect me and I appreciate it. By the way, what was it about the twelfth of February, anyway: why that date? It’s just gone noon and I have to shower. I’ll probably never feel dry afterwards as it’s in the 90s today and very humid (Lord knows why, for there’s been no rain to speak of). I might work this afternoon transcribing the Google Earth details onto the topo maps. That way I can sit here in the breeze from the pedestal fan while I work – even with both sides of my PC off, she keeps getting affected by the heat. The sound card died the other day and when I replace it I’ll get a new internal 3" fan, for now I just keep the fan going in my room. Speaking of my room! It is so lovely and is just like a nest! There are tons of jacaranda waiting to come to the Skeena, there’s my collection of Chinese statues of the lunar signs, my little elephant statues (Alison gave me one for Christmas), posters, dreamcatchers, billions of candles, my Balinese shadow puppets (and one Javanese one), all my art supplies, books – it’s lovely. Oh, do I need to mention that there are pictures of you?! LOL! I have just noticed that a weird thing happened in the night last night that I had forgotten about. I heard the new little colour printer go off – I think that maybe P.K. jumped up on it; she did scratch at the door later to be let out. Anyway, I heard the thing whining away for a few moments and didn’t think very much of it and fell back asleep. Just now, I noticed that there was something in the out tray. It’s spooky, honey, it really is. Do you remember the photos that you got together for Alison (Don, actually) to send to me after you died? Well most of the photos that you sent I had already seen, there were a couple that I hadn’t. The printer has just printed out a copy (sadly, on plain paper) of that really, really old one of you up above the timberline wearing camouflage gear, your hunting hat and a rifle. There are snowcapped mountains behind you and some body of water to your right and you had put a green frame around it. You are heaps younger in it (still got those big old fat fingers, KD! LOL!). I wish I knew who you were with and where you were. Funny this photo should print out in the night like that! What are you trying to tell me? How do you feel about me hiking the Skeena? Are you telling me that you are with me and that I shouldn’t be sad? I’m sorry I’m so sad right now, honey, but you know that I’ve taken it on the chin with respect to some people in my life and now there is this thing with Warwick. And I wanted that job at Main Campus so badly and went into it with just the right attitude (thanks to you!) and it didn’t work out. This Christmas just sucks big-time, the worst of my life. So I guess it’s not surprising I’m doing the weepy thing. So go have a ride on your Polaris, do a touch of ice fishing, listen to some ZZ Top (LOL! ZZ Top in heaven!) and, as I’ve said before, stay away from those cute angels – *your* angel is waiting for you right down here! Maybe the four of you should have a big old snowball fight and do a bit of snowshoeing after. God loved you very much, Keith, to give you the many, many gifts that he did. You used them well. All your family and all your friends miss you so and we miss you in our lives in the way that you were before. But you have gone on ahead of us and you left us with our Promises to cherish and to honour. As for me, you are both the journey and the destination and I thank you for that. Only by living my life in the way that you wanted me to can I ever repay you for all that you have done for me. With thanks and love – - Susan P.S.: You’re here right this very minute, aren’t you? The other printer, the big old laser one, has just started itself up and made this whining noise – I swear I haven’t touched them or touched a printer menu! |
posted by Susan @ 12:55 pm
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