Friday morning, 4 March 2005 [10:00 a.m.]
I woke in tears from a dream this morning. You and I had been holding hands and strolling around the Main Campus of the University. The place was deserted – not a soul anywhere. No matter where we went there was silence and emptiness. I collapsed to the ground in tears and you knelt beside me. You put your strong arms around me and held me tight. We both knew that I was going to be left all alone in an empty world and you were trying to comfort me.Every day that goes by, Keith, I realise more and more all the things you were trying to do for me – that you were protecting me right up to the very end. You were right, I did get "hurt" (if you choose to believe that hurt can be unintentional and I don’t think you did hurt me because you never meant to) and this grief is much worse than I expected it to be. It’s getting worse instead of better – I cry more, I miss you more. I am slowly (and this sounds crazy) really coming to believe that you are truly and finally gone. Gone. Dead. Nothing.
I have come to question everything I once believed in – God, heaven, the afterlife, existence, Catholicism. I do believe you are in some sort of spirit world with Clayton and your loved ones, I truly do. I even believe that you can somehow intercede for me and I wish you would.
But, in spite of all the tears and all this blundering about in a seemingly meaningless world, I do acknowledge everything you did for me. It is a shame that it took me until after your death to realise how much you did love me. Unlike my intense tiger-person way, your love was steady, unbending, constant – underpinning everything you did and I didn’t really realise it. You didn’t shower me with gifts, instead your whole life and the way you lived it was a gift.
Shine on, my sweetheart. The storms of last night are gone and I’m guessing there will be stars out tonight so we can meet again as you said.
- S.
posted by Susan @ 3:23 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home