February 28, 2006

Tuesday, 28 February 2006 [8:00 p.m.]:

Hey ya’, my Keith!

It was simply gorgeous tonight when I got home from work – I must have gotten home around seven p.m. I’ve just come inside from looking for you in the stars but it’s still a bit early and not dark enough. It was dark enough, though, to see Venus and to see an incredibly fat fruit bat flying overhead – lucky it didn’t poop on me! You (and just about everybody else in Canada and the US) probably don’t realise but fruit bat poo is really corrosive. If they poop on your car and you don’t wash it off within a day or two, it eats right down to the primer. To be able to repaint it, the repairer has to grind it down to the bare metal or the paint won’t take. Lots of bats around here ‘cuz we are only two blocks from Duck Creek – they always like to nest near a body of water. We had a few bats in Michigan, but not the same type – as a matter of fact, there were hundreds on Mackinac Island - but the ones here are HUGE.

Jeez, dude, I keep seeing the profiles of all these Australian guys in the 45 to 55 age bracket – MY GOD – they all look so old!!! It’s shocking, it really is. Should we blame it on the hole in the ozone layer??? You look like a baby compared to them! You just came stomping into my life and stuffed it all up for me, didn’t you? Oh, Honey, you know I love you and the time that we had and that I don’t regret one single second of it. You’re just a bit of a hard act to follow – LOL!

Jane was all over me like a rash today – she even left a chocolate bar prezzie on my keyboard when I got in. We will have to have a team meeting about some aspects of sonography after we settle into the year.

AND today I got asked to interview for the Clinical Admin job on the 9th (“my” job, remember?). If I get offered it as a part-time position, I will just refuse. Plenty of other jobs going at the University. Anne got bad news today – they are not interviewing her for her own position. I feel sorry for her but she’d be better off working somewhere else where she doesn’t have to work under Hong who is absolutely terrible to her. I have no idea why she (Hong) continues to get away with it, but she treats people who work with her terribly. At least four of the last five people in that position have resigned because of her. A shame.

Hey, some good news – I actually ate today! Usually I have a serve and a half of oatmeal, usually with a bit of orange marmalade stirred into it. Then I have one of those mini-sized Mars bar and a can of diet soft drink and, sometimes (but not very often), a half or two-thirds of a chicken kransky. Not very much food and not very well balanced (I do have a big Centrum multivitamin everyday). But today I had the oatmeal and Jane’s candy bar, a large banana, some dried apricots, some sultanas (raisins), and a bit of dried pineapple. I might even have something for dinner! I think it’s part of being suicidal, of wanting to be where you are and not here any more – I am just starving myself to death. The whole scene at work has been terrible and things haven’t been good in the relationship department. Then money worries and problems with Wozza. {Sigh.} Sometimes the temazepam is tempting I have to admit. And Dr Davis gave me a double Rx last time – I’m responsible, aren’t I? Hmm. Whatever the reason, I have now lost 30 kg (66 lbs.) in less than a year and a half. I sure hope that I don’t lose too much! I’ve got such a nice female shape and a great a$$ - pity for it to disappear! And some of my clothes (remember how about two weeks after you died I went berserk in those shops and bought all those clothes?) well some of them are starting to look like hell because they are just too big. The trousers that I put on lay-by (layaway) to wear to the conference in Hobart (end of April) were a size 12. Been a while since I’ve been a 12! I will probably have to have some of my clothes altered – my sewing machine isn’t working (and some of the clothes have what they call “flat felled” seams – that means they are about impossible unpick so they can be restitched).

Graham has just now SMSed me. He wants to come over tomorrow night ‘cuz I still have his Christmas present. But he doesn’t want to come until 9 or 9:30, after a quote. God, I need a relationship counsellor – I know!!! I’m going to invent a “digital dating advice” device – you type in a hypothetical (or real, for that matter) dating situation, press the “calculate response” button and, hey presto, the “correct” reply appears. I mean, do I say, “Sure, what ever you want, Graham.”, or “Sorry, it’s inconvenient, I have to …. (insert excuse)”, or “I’m sorry, but 9:30 p.m. is a bit late, try some other evening.” or whatever. I am always too willing to please and wind up not getting the respect that I should. I turned myself inside out trying to please you, KD, but then you were dying and you deserved every single consideration that I could come up with to make you happy. And I did make you happy and we had fun and I think that we did the best that we could. It’s just a bit of a shame that I have to be left behind down here without you - God’s plan for whatever reason. You saw a bright future for me and I have to make it a reality. Just a bit hard when work is so damned difficult and demanding right now. Hard to know what to do about the Skeena trip; hard to know what to do about the Masters’. And I’m tired, God I’m tired – work is just taking it out of me, I’m afraid.

Honey, I am going to go – I have to SMS Graham and Warwick and then I want to look at some job vacancies at Uni that close on the second (day after tomorrow).

I’ll check the stars later again tonight. Send my good wishes on to Don M and to Jessi. Have a good time with your Pop and Dad and Clayton. That’s another thing I’d like to see in BC – your grandpa’s hunting lodge. Was it near Quesnel Lake or closer to 108? I wish you or Alison had been able to find those old photos before you left, I would like very much to see them.

Thanks, Honey, for being your special self. I don’t have to say that I love you and that I miss you, do I?

- ‘night, Susan

February 27, 2006

Monday, 27 February 2006 [6:30 p.m.]:

Hey, Hon, it’s me and I’m early!

I did my little bit with the students this morning (urg, I hate it when I have to get there early!), went ‘round to Kerrie’s to help her get up to speed with what she missed last week – and then I left – YAY! It was so good to have a day off – unfortunately there were lots of little errands that I had to do so it wasn’t all happiness & joy but it sure smelt like freedom! ;-) Going to have a rare early night tonight, too.

Had a blue with Jane this morning – she wasn’t impressed that I didn’t present an admin-type talk to the students and I wasn’t impressed that I wasn’t timetabled. She came out and said that I had been announced and I told her that I hadn’t prepared any material (overheads, handouts) and that I wasn’t presenting. I also told her that a thank you for all the work that I did while she was away and on the weekend would have been nice and she said she hadn’t had time – LOL! She sat right next to me handing out materials and getting sigs, etc. and she never said a word. And when I asked Lucy to hand me a box of physics notes she said that, because of her back, she couldn’t. So Jane passed them over and guess what: there were about five in the box – LOL! What a bunch of prima donnas!

I had to have a blood test – my kidneys seem to be packing it in a bit so Dr Ross wanted them checked out. I had to go to the clinic at Parra, too. Then I went to three Woolworth’s stores to try and find one with a working carpet cleaner and chemicals but couldn’t find all the bits altogether at one. They won’t let you reserve them either so it’s just a case of “suck it and see”. I went to Parra Westfields, too, to see if anyone had turned in your wristband but no luck.

Got some groceries while I was out. Ruffie and the cats will have to make do with a “no name” petfood until payday when I can get them the high quality stuff that I usually get them. I got myself some dried fruit, some fresh fruit and some vegies, some milk, oatmeal and yoghurt. This big splurge has left me with something like $2.28 until payday (Thursday) in my account and about five bucks in my wallet. How come I work so hard and have so little to show for it? I still have, of course, the $2,000 for the airfares in an investment account. But what to do, what to do? If I do as Steve C. has suggested, I’ll wait for another year to come and will spend a year working on the fundraising/sponsorship deal. How will that affect Jessi?? How will I know if it’s OK with her? Hon, I just don’t want to write her yet! Then there is my Master’s degree – which will probably mean that I will have to postpone that, too. [I have been really slack – I need to get all the readings out and go through them, see what other stuff I should get the Library to order and get a hold of that hospital in South Australia. And, of course, I’ve got to get going with the solo trips outback to sort of get my head around being on the Skeena alone for so long. It would be just so cool if Don and Jessi would come. And, yeah, the bears do scare me! (But you’ll watch over me, I know.)]

I kept seeing this raven on Campus today. Of course, I thought of you. When I went to leave I went through this sort of rainforest area they have with a pond and fountains and orchids, etc. There was a raven with beautiful golden eyes looking at me. I spoke to him and a student came up behind me and passed us there in the trees – and laughed to see me carrying on a conversation with a bird – LOL!

Speaking of little birds… there is a large, busy intersection in Parramatta at Church Street and the Great Western Highway. Someone had (sometime previously) knocked down one of the traffic lights and all the lights were flashing yellow. It was chaos – everyone was trying to go at once and there were no police or anything. People were pushing in, honking horns, hollering. It was a bit after three and there were schoolkids. There was a little Asian girl trying to cross – she didn’t have a hope in hell of getting across – cars couldn’t even get across. I pulled up to where it was safe, put on my flashers, got out and locked my car and crossed the highway (barefoot!). I had to put my hand up traffic cop style to get across – it looked like a movie – LOL! When I got to her I told her to take my hand and I helped her across. She was very sweet and, unlike some people I work with, gave me a very nice ‘thank you’. My good deed for the day done. I then called the Parramatta police and told them that not only were the cars in chaos but there were schoolkids trying to cross. That little girl I helped was so little, cars would have never seen her.

Speaking of big creepy birds – the other night I got two comments on the blog from someone who had seen me on a dating site. Maybe I mention my blog in my profile, I don’t recall. The comments are moderated now after I had some guy from French-speaking Canada make comments about my profile here (jeez, those eastern Canucks can be irritating!). Anyway, I deleted the comments because I do not feel like advertising my dating profile here. Then today he e-mails me! And tells me that I was “self-obsessed” to leave Ruffie on her lead that one Friday. FFS people! Do you want honesty or do you want the standard fare bullshit??? If you do not like what you read here or if it upsets you: GO AWAY! There are plenty of other blogs to read. I’m ‘self-obsessed’ enough to say: THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR OPINIONS OF ME; IT’S ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE. GO GET ONE OF YOUR OWN (a life and/or a blog) IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

Well, how many times does a girl get to vent in one day – LOL! Anyway, I’ve put the music back on and that always feels right. I can’t believe how down I can feel and, hey presto!, on goes the music and I’m singing and carrying on. Phew! Good thing, eh?

Miss you, miss you, miss you. Please make the creeps stay away, honey, OK? Oh, bugger, that reminds me! I had another gorgeous, intricate dream last night – but can’t remember enough of it to relate here. Too bad I didn’t write it down this morning.

Dido’s “White Flag” is on and it always makes me think of Graham (but then so does “You Oughta Know”/Alanis Morissette). Then, I think, I need a good dose of ZZ Top – that’ll cure my ills!

‘bye, Hon, I’ll write later. See you tonight in the stars…


- love, Susan

P.S.: Got the Top’s “Afterburner” album rockin’ out of the speakers!

P.P.S.: I swore that if I got home tonight and found out that Ruffie had attacked the bedding on the clothesline that I’d ring the “Trading Post” straight away. Lucky for her, she gets to stay another day. But, phew, she’s on the nose a bit – Wozza will have to help me bathe her when he’s over on Friday. We both get soaked in the process!

P.P.S.: Aw, Honey, “Rough Boy” is playing. I know it’s too late for wishing, but “if only”…

February 26, 2006

later Saturday night, 25 February 2006 [11:50 p.m.]: Keith –

Hi, again. Just wanted to say ‘Hi’ – I just miss hearing your voice so much. It’s been so long since we spoke – 380 days to be exact. I am forgetting what your voice sounded like – now, whenever I hear that lead singer from “Uncle Kracker” (“Follow Me”), I always think it’s your voice.

God, I miss you!

Just a sprinkling of stars tonight, but enough to say ‘hello’ and wish upon, eh?

I’m a mess honey, I really am. I’ve got no bloody money and nobody writes any more. I rang Rick the day before he got home on his leave and left a message with his flatmate and he didn’t bother to ring. He makes a goddamned fortune compared to me and it seems he always expects me to pay for the ‘phone calls. And I asked him to make arrangements to get his stuff out of here (I have been dragging it around for ALMOST TWO YEARS) but apparently he hasn’t bothered. I need the room and I am trying to get the place presentable so I can get someone in to share the rent but I guess he has forgotten. All Spring he went on and on about how he didn’t have any money and then he goes and tells me that he’s been putting at least $2,000 aside every month for a house deposit. When we were together I bought practically everything – washer, vacuum, dinners out – because he was so goddamned cheap. I am seriously irritated with him – you wouldn’t think it would be such an effort to write or ring, would you? (He did, I admit, buy me that Welsh flag when he went to the UK last year. Must have been in a good mood.)

I’m looking at Messenger and there are your two contact names – “fishingfool” and “K” – I cannot bring myself to delete them. Honey… I miss you so. And I know that I always will. But it’s my time now, things just have to start going better for me, they have to. I cannot go on any more, I really can’t. I try to make things change, I try to do the right things but things are just not working out. To be honest, they haven’t in a long, long time.

I’m tired, I’m strung out – I am going to go to bed. Tell me now – if I take all my sleeping pills, will you meet with me after I die or will you refuse? You know what they say, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander”, so you damned well better (or I’ll tell St. Peter and no more Sleeman’s for you lot).

‘night, honey. Here’s a hug {{{HUG}}}.

- an upset, confused and hurting Susan

February 25, 2006

Saturday, 25 February 2006 [noon]:

Hey, Dude!

Wow, honey, it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I’ve had many, many late nights and just haven’t been able to write. This coming Monday I have 55 students on Campus and I have been busy getting prepared for them as well as preparing materials for the students in the other subjects. I have to go out to the Campus later today to pick up stuff from the Printery that didn’t get finished Friday – this very thing happened last year. But last year the students started on the 19th – and it was the night before that Don M rang me to “officially” tell me about your death. While I knew it already in my heart it was a bit of a blow to hear it. I must have been in some weird state because I was able to get up in front of all those people and do my little bit and look 100% calm and at ease. And I was really dying little by little inside. I guess, in some ways, I still am.

Ugh – Don R is on Messenger right now and for some reason it really irks me. It was awful what he did.

OK, lessee, what’s happened lately? Hasn’t been real good, I’m afraid. But, somehow, I keep seeing you through it and I am able to somehow persevere. There’s been lots of stars and lorikeets and cockatoos and blossoms that always feel like a message from you. I got a call from the personnel person on Main Campus about two applications that I had made: they were not accepted because – wait for it – I didn’t address the selection criteria in point form!!! Well, I wasn’t very happy about that and the call came in on my mobile (cell ‘phone) just as I was going out the door for work. While I was opening the gate, a hibiscus flower dropped directly at my feet and I thought, “Keith is trying to tell me that it’s all right”. You have ways of keeping in touch, don’t you? Thanks, hon, I know you care and I’m sorry if that caring holds you back in any way. I know that you never meant to care but we got too close and you got ensnared. Well, I never planned on loving you, either, but it happened and, as it turned out, we were each just what the other needed and at the right time, too. (Oh, by the way, I’m wearing your Sage hat this very minute.)

I got a letter back from the Brotherhood MCC and I’ve been invited to attend (and speak!) at their March meeting. I wrote a quick email about how much I liked the Silverwater bike show and asking about the winners in some of the bike categories (remember, I was torn between this nice BSA and a Harley?) and I mentioned that only two or three of the bikes entered had any information about the bike or the owner or wherever. So I suggested that they consider making up a standardised A-4 (that’s a paper size – a lot like letter size) info sheet for each entrant and have it in a frame in front of each bike and I volunteered to do it. They like the idea and that’s why I’ve been invited to the meeting. See, I really am turning into a bikie chick – LOL!

I had to get my navel repierced! It just wasn’t straight – the ball on the top was sort of off to the left. Didn’t look too bad with these barbells that I have (it looks sooo nice, so pretty with all the iridescent colours) but if I got a belly bar that had any hanging charms or anything it probably wouldn’t look too good. That’s actually what I want – a belly bar that has a loop or ring at the bottom that you could add silver charms to and be able to change them. I haven’t see anything like that and Robin, my piercer, hasn’t either. OK, that’s all I need – a seller of piercing jewellery – LOL!

BTW – I haven’t heard from Don M yet, hope it’s only because he’s been away on work and not because he doesn’t want any more contact with me. That would be such a shame.

In an effort to keep myself at home (instead of out spending money that I don’t have) I’ve gotten out a few movie DVDs. I saw “Cold Mountain” (pretty OK); “Heaven & Earth” (an Oliver Stone film – absolutely excellent); “Jean de Florette” (French film with subtitles – I’d seen many years ago. A good story.); “House of Sand and Fog” [very, very good – Ben Kingsley (‘Ghandi’) and Jennifer Connelly (‘A Beautiful Mind’)] and “The Passion of the Christ”. I just don’t know what to say about “Passion” – I mean, I’m from a Catholic background and I wondered how many Catholic school kids are going to get ushered into the school gym in order to watch it. I was fantastic to hear the dialog in Aramaic – some of the words, like “mort” (dead), were the same as Latin.

Speaking of the Middle East – last week one of the Islamic sects blew the dome off an important mosque that held a shrine with the remains of two Imams [10th and 11th descendants of Mohamed (somebody let me know – do I have to type PBUH here?)] that was revered by the other sect. It was at Samarra and the mosque that was blown up was beautiful; well, before it was beautiful. I’m telling you, there will be civil war (if it hasn’t started already) and it will be terrible. I wish the US would just pack up its gear and piss off and leave them to it – this just doesn’t have anything to do with the US and they should get out and spare the personnel that are there. It doesn’t make any sense. Another thing that’s been happening over there – a Danish newspaper published a number of cartoons that many Islamic people have taken great offence to. All sorts of Western business have been torched and there have been many deaths in riots, etc. I have to tell you, I saw the cartoons on the Internet and they were pretty damn tame. I know that I will sound disrespectful if I say that some people have no sense of humour but for even one person to die over this is crazy. Far, far worse humour has been directed at the Catholic Church and at Christ and the Trinity but we don’t go out and commit murder over it! Islam scares me – it seems to have the ability to inspire completely rabid fanatics. How they can do what they do in the name of religion I don’t know. (And it’s scary living in a neighbourhood that I would guess to be about 85% Islamic.)

I had a weird dream last night – very detailed and definitely in colour – LOL! I was in Phnom Penh (where else?) and was some how restricted in my movements – I think that I was a political prisoner. I was walking on the streets (sort of looked like Vietnam before the war) and trying to keep out of sight of the traffic cops that were directing traffic at large intersections. I went ‘round a couple of corners and there was a double-decker bus parked by the side of the road on the other side of the street. It was all painted in sort of a graffiti style – and it was advertising American-style pumpkin pies – LMAO!! Then I walked back to the main street and saw all these large trumpet vines with huge white flowers in planter boxes all along the road. How the hell I managed to come up with this in a dream I don’t know – it doesn’t seem to have any relevance to anything going on in my life at the moment.

I have to go – have to get ready to go out to the Campus to collect the printing. I need a shower anyways – while we haven’t had any rain to speak of in months and months it is still muggy and humid and I seriously need a shower – due to clean my piercing now anyway.

Trust that your hat is being looked after and cherished. I’ll write again when I can. All my considerable love –


- Susan

P.S.: BTW – both my cameras are broken (!) and I can’t take pics of anything (and I don’t have the $$$ to get them fixed).

February 19, 2006

very early Sunday, 19 February 2006 [12:00 a.m.]:

Hey ya’, Keith!

Hi, Hon, how goes it? I had a great day today – it was fun but I spent way too much money! AND I GOT MY PIERCING DONE! And, hey, you wouldn’t believe it – it didn’t hurt at all! I was expecting that I’d flip right off the couch when she did it but it hurt less than it did when I had my ears pierced (many, many years ago!). The belly bar is too cool – it is mostly iridescent purple but it changes as you move, so it’s purple, teal, plum and green by turns. But mostly purple which, along with jacaranda blue, is my very favourite colour. Robin, the woman that pierced me, was really nice (and she had some serious piercing on her face and some nice tatts on her arms) and did a fantastic job.

The University is sending me to a conference in Hobart, Tasmania in April – so today I put on lay-by (lay away, yeah?) a coat and matching trousers, a dressy top and a "little black dress" with white, black and silver sequins and beads on the shoulders. I am going to redo some of the beadwork to introduce some colour into it, which I can then accessorise. LOL! – Susan the show pony! Imagine if I get a pair of high heels – what a hoot! (Actually I will have to get a pair of dress shoes.) It’s kind of weird but Dr Ross keeps telling me that I’m on this sort of phoenix trip and reinventing myself – I guess I am and it’s fun, too. And the bloody trousers – they were a size 12!!!! That was one nice thing about the black dress – Don R had told me that one nice thing about my a$$ is the shape of my lower back and how it sort of merges into my butt – I had a good look – and he’s right!

I got a little 3 x 4" frame and for once – I printed off a photo of me and it looks nice. I’ve got it next to your photomontage frame and they look good together. I got a little mini dream catcher today, too – lets hope it increases my good dreams and my memory of them and filters out the bad ones. I got this cool ceramic sphere that’s got a lovely pattern embossed and painted on it; it’s with the frames. Then there was this beautiful wooden box from India with a pierced hexagonal-shaped lid. When you open it up there is a place for two incense cones – I also put the little painted elephant that I got in Chinatown in it (it has polished brass elephant silhouettes on the front). I also ordered a new pair of glasses – I need them so badly. Ack, I got a quote to do the carpet cleaning - $350! – can you believe it?! I sure am wishing that I had a money tree in the backyard! (‘cuz my teeth need work and I really want to order my hiking boots from LL Bean so I can be breaking them in.) Oh, I got a black leather wristband with star-shaped studs. I saw one that had those pointy studs that I liked but it had skulls that didn’t look good. There was one with Maltese crosses that was OK but I liked the stars better – after all the stars mean an awful lot to you and me and your mates. And I have this really cool pair of knickers and they have a silver (of course!) five-pointed star charm on the front of them. Very cute (and the teeniest, weeniest back on them that you ever saw!). Too bad for you that you missed out, KD. ;-( Too bad for me, too, eh? I again have to say thank you to you for giving me confidence and a belief in myself. It’s been fun – I know I look good in tight jeans and my boots – now what does ZZ Tops say about it? – "She had a West Coast strut that was sweet as molasses, but what really knocked me out was her cheap sunglasses". That’s me all right! LOL!

A lot of people have been raving on about the DVD "Amelie" so I got it out today – it was quite good – I liked it about a thousand times better than "The Notebook" that you watched last year. I wonder if you’d find the subtitling annoying. I saw a couple of copies of "Field of Dreams" and I remember you telling me about it that last time we spoke together on the ‘phone. Just one of a billion memories of you.


Hon, I am going to try and get to bed a bit earlier than usual – I need catching up after that marathon effort on Thursday night. Oh, I’ve almost forgot – I have to go clean where the piercing is – you have to clean the area twice a day. Even though the clothes that I was trying on were clingy, the belly bar didn’t show underneath which was good.

So what time is it? It’s time for you to check in with St Peter and tell him Susan down here says it’s time for you and Clayton to take delivery of a couple of slabs of Sleeman’s Pale Honey Ale – enjoy, enjoy, enjoy my very best buddy. How fortunate I am to be able to say that we are friends.


Always in my mind and heart – (aw, bugger, I’ve started to cry and that hasn’t happened in a bit. I reckon it’s ‘cuz I’m not eating and I’m tired and, God damn it, ‘cuz I love you to bits and I miss you every single second). ‘bye for now…


- love always, your Susan

February 17, 2006

Friday, 17 February 2006 [9:00 p.m.]:

Hey there, Grizz!!

Hi, hon – I’m on early for a change. Last night I didn’t get to bed until 3:45 a.m. and I was late getting up so I didn't make it to work until 10:45 a.m. But I made up for it – I didn’t leave until 8:45 p.m. Got a fair bit done. When I left it was the perfect time, just past sunset, to see the landscape in my favourite way – all in silhouette. It looks like intricately cut-out black paper on a shaded rose and orange lit background. You could see everything, tree branches, people playing sport, power lines – the right scene would make a great photo.

I completely stuffed up when I left this morning and I again left poor Ruffie on the lead. It was a really hot day, too. And she is such a goof, she gets all tangled up and can’t figure out how to disentangle herself so she didn’t have much room to move around, poor thing. When I let her off the chain she ran straight for her water bowl. I feel like such a sh*t. I wish you were at 108, honey, if only for times like these when I could ask your advice – what do you think about me getting rid of her? I’ve always reckoned that when you got a pet it was for life, that you just have to take on that responsibility. They’re not like clothes that you can put on and off. You’ve had dogs and I’d really like to bounce the idea around with you. I don’t spend as much time with her as I should and I wonder if I could find a family that would be better for her. I think if I advertise her for sale I’d like to stipulate two things – that I get to visit where she is going and that she keeps her name. “Ruffie” (ZZ Top’s ‘Rough Boy’) is really important to me and besides I don’t want her getting all confused and upset if she gets called something else – she knows she’s a ruffie dog.

A year ago today Don M and Alison and I don’t know who else were at your house in 108 packing up and moving out your stuff. I guess that they were really, really busy. And Alison wouldn’t let Don contact me – can you believe that?! But he did anyway after he heard my telephone message on the 18th. You have nice friends, Keith, and I like Don a lot. He certainly has done a lot for me. I’ve got no idea how to even begin to repay him for his many kindnesses. I hope he decides to keep in touch and doesn’t decide to keep his distance now that the loose ends, like your package, have been taken care of. I thought from the way he sounded like he’d be happy to meet me when I’m over there. I had hoped that he would keep in touch but I haven’t heard from him in awhile (but then that’s normal for Don). There are so many things that I want to ask him about! Oh, well, we will have to see. Whisper in his ear, dude, you know he’d listen to you!

Honey, I am going to go and call Marla and see how she is going with her computer. I’m really tired from last night and I can’t sleep in tomorrow because I’m getting a quote on having the floors cleaned throughout the whole house and then I’ve got the appointment to get my navel pierced. Sounds funny, LOL!

It’s funny, you know… it meant so much to you to be able to send me all those photos and spending all that time talking about them – and now the precious photos mean so much to me! It has really, really helped to have them to help manage the cycles of grief that I seem to keep going through. I know that it will pass, eventually, but, as I have said many, many times, I will move on but I will NEVER “get over” you (and I don’t even want to). Pity the way nobody else seems to be able to measure up to you in even the most insignificant way – you are some mighty yardstick, dude!

OK, love ya’ and leave ya’. Take care, sweetie –


- Tiger Woman

P.S.: Speaking of tigers, last night I bought a long-sleeved shirt from the men’s department of a store. It’s got this patch on the left sleeve that’s got a growling tiger’s face with Japanese-style sunbursts and characters. On the front it’s got “Death Before Dishonour” (which is something I say from time to time) and a skull with large wings on either side. It’s sort of a charcoal colour and looks really nice. It got chilly last night and it was all snugly and warm. What do you reckon – I think I am definitely entering my “bikie chick” phase – LOL!

early Friday morning, 17 February 2006 [3:25 a.m.]:

Oh, Keith!

Honey, I am so upset, I can’t believe it! I just looked down at my left wrist and your sterling silver and cubic zirconia “K E I T H” bracelet is gone! I don’t even know when I lost it. It’s happened before that it’s fallen off, in fact on one day I think it fell off two or maybe three times. I should have taken it back to the jewellers that I got it from and had him tighten up the clasp. I don’t think that I’ve got a picture of it, either. Weird to lose both your expensive ID bracelet and to lose that dinosaur ring that I had for so long on the same day.

I had just finished up doing the illustrations for the sonography text and went into the kitchen to take my meds and looked down and I was in shock. What a damn shame and I know the place doesn’t have enough letters left to make up another one. ;-(

OK, I have to get ready for bed – it is hard to get up in time for work when I stay up so late. I’m a night owl just like you.

‘night, sweetheart, I will have to ring around to all the places that I was in earlier and see if anyone has turned it in. Be my good buddy and do something cosmic to get the bracelet and ring back, OK? [Or is this a sign of a new beginning for me? Hmmm.]

Been missing you lots…

- Susan

February 16, 2006

Thursday night, 16 February 2006 [10:45 p.m.]:

Hi, Keith!

Hey ya’, dude, I’m back! Can’t write for too long because I am going to work on a couple of illustrations for the physics workbook for the sonography students. At work they have Paint Shop Pro 9 and it is light years away from PSP 6 & 7 that I have here at home. Plus the PC where the software is located is in this funny spot where your back is to the cubicle door and people are constantly coming in and out to use the photocopier. I hate sitting there trying to concentrate and having people looking over your shoulder at what you are doing. They try to act cool and like they are not looking but you can see that they are wondering what the heck you are working on.

I went out shopping today and treated myself to a stack of clothes – most on layaway (called ‘lay-by’ over here). I also picked out a belly bar (really cool, sort of iridescent) and am getting my navel pierced on Saturday. While I was out there was a furious thunderstorm and it rained quite a bit (thank God, because we need it so badly). On the way home I spotted what looked like a brown paper bag sitting up in the middle of the road. I have this funny thing about running over stuff like paper bags and stuff (it’s this weird thing that’s sort of a left over from the war in ‘Nam if you can believe it). Anyway, I couldn’t just drive over it so I slowed up and had a good look. It was a young cat! It was sitting in the middle of the lane, licking its butt with its back to on-coming traffic. I stopped the car, put on the hazard lights, got out (I was bare-footed) and tried to pick it up. If I could have gotten it in the car, I would have brought it home. I wound up shooing it away but I’ll tell you it has a pretty cavalier attitude to that damn road! Any one else would have run over the poor thing.

Then when I got home I found out that I had forgotten to let Ruffie off the lead when I backed the car out of the yard. I put her on the lead before I open the gates, then I back the car out, shut the gates, let her off the lead (and give her a treat like a raw chicken wing if I’m going to be gone for more than about two hours) and I slip back out the gate. So she was stuck outside during the thunderstorm and couldn’t get out of the rain (and she’s afraid of thunder and lightening).

I did bring home a couple of new pieces of clothing – got a khaki peasant skirt, a dark brown heavy cotton jacket and an ivory cotton blouse with antique lace on the front. I’m adding buttons to the jacket and that’s another thing that I want to do tonight. Oh, I got some jewellery to go with the jacket/blouse/skirt. And a bargain! – I found a 20-sheet pack of A4 glossy Kodak photo paper for $9.99!!! Yay, more KD photos for Susan!

My silver chain that the dragon pendant is on broke today. I’ve put it on another, shorter silver chain but will have to get the longer one fixed. Also, a terrible thing happened! I wear two rings on most of my fingers – and I lost one of the ones from my left ring finger – it was a silver (no surprises there!) dinosaur and I bet I had it for at least fourteen years. The other ring on that finger looks sort of like tooled leather – I hope I don’t lose that one, too! It’s because I’m losing weight again – the last that I checked, I was down to 69 kg (pretty good for someone who weighed 97 kg a year and a half ago!).

There were stars tonight and Mars looked superb! While I was out there feeling closer to you I was thinking how I much help I need, honey. Please can you direct some Canuck boot up a couple of backsides ‘cuz I really, really need some help. I’m serious, Keith, I really do and I know you can arrange it. So while the spring thaw is on and you’re not too busy can you please, please pull some strings for me?

I’m going to leave you, KD, to get some work done. Stay close…


- love, Susan

February 14, 2006

late Monday night, 13 February 2006 [12 midnight]:

Keith –

Hi, honey – hey ya’, dude – what’s with all the clouds and mist tonight, anyway? I couldn’t see the stars and that’s been happening way too often lately (in spite of the fact that we are in a drought and desperately need rain).

Well, I went to see Steve C this morning – I will tell you all about it when the time is right. Good meeting, lots to think about. (LOL – he gave me a very European peck on the cheek when I arrived and when I left – I got all schoolgirly about it.)

Because it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and in celebration of the fact that Warwick fixed the sound on my PC, I’m going to put in the lyrics from “All I Know” – I probably put them in last year but, heck, I’m going to repeat them anyway.

"All I Know" - by Jimmy Webb

I bruise you, you bruise me
We both bruise so easily, too easily to let it show
I love you and that's all I know.

All my plans have fallen through,
All my plans depend on you, depend on you to help them grow,
I love you and that's all I know.

But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast but they pass so slow,
I love you and that's all I know.

When the singer's gone let the song go on,
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond

But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast
But they pass so slow,
I love you, and that's all I know.
That's all I know, that's all I know.

I was devastated when you died, Keith, and I didn’t even know it at the time. When I look back and see myself, I realise that I was a mess. And I thought that I was handling it pretty well – LOL! (I guess when my hair started falling out in chunks and I lost all that weight, I should have worked out that something was going on!)

But life is what you make it and how you deal with the hand you’ve been dealt. Now, I reckon the hands haven’t been real good just yet but the fat lady hasn’t even begun to sing (and I’ll shoo her off the stage if she tries). Something special is waiting for me (can you see it yet?) ‘cuz I’m special and it took knowing you for me to realise that.

Got to go – been having way too many late nights. I brought home some work from Uni – proofreading the formatting of reference lists for some coursework materials but I am not even going to open them up. Warwick came over for dinner and did some chores around here which was a big help. And I’d rather spend my time with Wozza than doing unpaid work for that bloody mob that I work for (said like a true Aussie).

BTW: what do you reckon about me getting my navel pierced?

K, Hon, love you and miss you as you know. (Playing ZZ Top’s “Stages” right now – it’s on my iTunes “Songs for Keith” playlist.)

‘bye, Hon…

- Susan

February 13, 2006

late Sunday night, 12 February 2006 [11:45 p.m.]:

Hey ya’, coolest dude!

Nice of the moon to come out full on your anniversary – I’m sure she and the stars miss shining down on you.

It’s bloody late again so I’ll be quick… Spent a few happy hours in the Angler’s Hut on FAOL. REE was moderator until Vicki made him some of her famous orange cookies! DE (DecevR) and Q and Z all missed you. It was great to be with them all and they are so nice to me. Learned a lot today, stuff like what backing is, etc. Somebody reckoned I should get breathable waders as they are lighter but I can’t afford anything better than the cheapo K-mart ones that I am getting. Some of these guys have got real good jobs so it’s not a problem for them. Q is up and moving – he has bought a new business and it sounds exciting – fishing guide, rod repair, fly tying, etc. He’s going to Crystal Springs, FL. Sounds great, I hope he’ll enjoy it. The tarpon run near there and DE was about delirious about them – huge fish and on a fly!

I watch another good film that you probably missed – “Rabbit Proof Fence”. An Australian film with probably a low promo budget in Canada and the US. That’s one thing about missing you – I used to love to give you presents of things that I thought that you might like. I remember that night on the 18th of Feb when Don M and I wrote back and forth and he found out about that star in Ursa Major that I got you. He thought it sounded like the most excellent thing to give you. Yeah, a lot of people say all that “name a star” bit is a load of crap but I thought it was cool and I know you did, too. I remember you saying, “You have made me a very happy man.” Well, that was one of the things that God put me here to do – to be good to you. He knows for sure that you deserved it, too. We should have been together for longer ‘cuz I really meant to spoil you rotten and had only just begun – lucky dude! {{winks}} LOL!

OK, honey, going to go. You take care and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Love –


- Susan, your own Tiger (hands off, Gerry & Kim, he’s mine now! LOL!)

February 12, 2006

early Sunday morning, 12 February 2006 [12:15 a.m.]:

Keith –

Well, I guess I lied – I didn’t go to bed when I said I would and spent the dawning of the twelfth out looking at the stars.

When I went out there, I think I saw a shooting star out of the corner of my eye. If I did it will be the first since I saw that one when Warren was driving me down to Picton.

The moon is full, again it seemed to wax so quickly. There are quite a few clouds and it is quite still – you can even here the crickets chirping – something you don’t normally hear here in Auburn. I felt you loving me back – it was almost as if there was a physical pressure, like a 44-gallon drum of honey, being poured over and flowing down over me. We’ve always been able to reach out to each other, haven’t we? It was nice to feel you close, especially today.

So now you have been gone from me for one whole year – and I don’t miss you or love you any less then I did back then. Today I was marvelling at the way my hair all started falling out last year – if anyone would have asked me, I would have said that I wasn’t stressed, just sad, but my body told a different story.

I think last year I was in shock at first – I said that I knew you were dead, but my heart and head just hadn’t gone along with it. That’s why I was able to give that student presentation on the 18th as if nothing had happened and in spite of the fact that I had those e-mails from Don M the night before. A part of me knew, of course, but most of me just couldn’t accept it.

I wish that I could play some of my music but I still haven’t bought a new sound card. I want to listen to ZZ Top and some of the other music that reminds me of you – like that Uncle Kracker song that we liked. I’ve got the iPod, of course, but I really want it blasting out of the speakers and making stuff on my desk vibrate. Damn, damn, damn that I don’t know what ZZ Top song you played on your pickup truck stereo on the 9th.

By now one year ago, Ken would have packed his stuff and left. You were brave, and selfish, too, to send him home and carry on alone. I know how and why and pretty much when and at first I couldn’t believe it, it didn’t seem like you at all – after all “you can never fail if you never quit”. I’m sure some people would have thought that you quit – I guess in some small way I think that you did, too. I don’t blame you at all though – it’s that “walking in your moccasins” thing. I know that if I had been with you, I would have helped you and we could have worked out some way of keeping me one step ahead of the law. I don’t want to be as strong as I am but I am and I know that I would have been a help to you – it just upsets me so to think of you being there, facing it alone. Well, not alone in spirit for there was Jessi and Don and Ken and Clayton and me, all with our hearts and minds tuned to yours and giving you the strength you needed. I’m pretty sure that Alison wouldn’t have agreed to it but it wasn’t her call – God knows the woman is pretty damn controlling at the best of times. I’m sure just the very idea of it really yanked her chain. I don’t know if I could ever be close to her no matter what may happen in the future and in spite of the love that I used to feel for her. She didn’t do the things that you asked her to do and that doesn’t sit very well with me. I try sometimes to see the similarities between you two but I come up empty handed every time. Oh, well, doesn’t matter, I don’t have to have anything to do with her.

One other thing bothers me about that night – do you remember Christmas Eve and you were in a terrible mood and you had to drive down in the night to Vancouver and the roads were terrible with ice and snow? I remember you started out on Highway 97 and I wondered why you had to travel in the night. I couldn’t ask you because you were in a cranky mood and said that you didn’t want to talk to “people”. That night I sat up for hours – I was your guardian angel that night. I hovered over you every kilometre of the way and watched as you made your way along the road. I wonder now if you could feel me with you then – I never thought to ask. I was so close to you then. But the night you died that didn’t happen even though you would have needed me. I was upset, sure, and all strung out from spending the day in Chinatown and thinking constantly of that flight on Air Canada that I had been booked to be on. I would have made the dash from the airport at Van to the Greyhound depot and gotten to 100 Mile House a little after 3. I would have been smiling tentatively on your porch by a quarter to four – instead, I was stuck here in Sydney feeling completely impotent. You got what you wanted but I’m pretty sure it was a mistake – too bad we don’t have a second chance.

OK – enough negative stuff. I’ll try to be nicer next time. Just know that I’m doing pretty good, considering. Remember when you asked me if I was going to be all right without you? Well, I promised that I would and I think that I have been. I know you don’t want me to grieve but I can’t help it. Somebody told me that the deeper the grief, the more the missing person was loved. I love you very much and it shows. I don’t seem to love you so much in a romantic way anymore, it’s changing. You are more and more my mentor, my hero, my teacher, my best friend. Of all the men I’ve met in my whole life; I love you most and I respect you most. Our relationship was great for both of us, we both got so much out of it and it meant so much. Do you realise how empowering that was for me? I deified you and yet you took the time to be good to me, to teach me, to show me that I only deserved the very best. Apart from Warwick, you are the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

So I’m going to go now and do what I said I was going to do hours ago – get ready for bed. Thank you for coming to me when I was in the backyard watching the moon. It’s good to feel you close like that again, it’s been awhile.

I hope I dream of you tonight – would you dream a dream of me? I’ll be your Tiger and you can be my Grizz and whatever one of us needs the other will have.

Always and forever –


- your Susan

February 11, 2006

Saturday night, 11 February 2006 [10:00 p.m.]:

KD –

Well I was a total sloth today – managed to do some laundry and some hand washing and got the front verandah vacuumed. The expensive old Electrolux has just about had it and I can hardly use it at all. Why is it that everything is breaking down and I have to replace just about everything? [Especially now when I am trying to get things (like the airfare!) ready for your trip.] They rang me up today and contact lenses are going to set me back almost $700!!

I watched "Whale Rider" today and I cried when the whales were beached. I think you’d like it but I doubt that you’d have seen it as it is a New Zealand film and probably didn’t get too much promotion in Canada. I also watched Brandon Lee in "The Crow" – I’m sure that you must have seen that.

I tried to work out today if I’m grieving or if I’m depressed. I’ve got every right to be either, or both, of those. Anyway, because it’s that horrible weekend again, I am keeping a low profile and not getting up to very much. I hope that Don M will write soon.

I tried to get Kingsley from Victoria to go outside tonight, find Ursa Major and deliver a message to you – can you believe that he doesn’t know the constellation? Far out! He’s a pretty good bloke though and you can’t expect everyone to like the things that we like after all.

Honey, I’m going to finish here. I’m going to go to bed early tonight – I tried twice to sleep during the day today but I just couldn’t fall asleep. I’ll do what I have to do so I can get in bed and take a sleeping pill and sleep. I just don’t want to be awake when the 12th of February get ushered in. I am sad enough as it is, I just don’t feel like being awake and aware when it comes.

Oh! there was one thing that I wanted to tell you! Earlier in the week I found a picture frame with sections in it for five small pictures, ranging in size from 4 x 4 to 2 x 2 inches. Last night I resized copies of your photos and put them in the frame and it looks terrific. That alone was worth the price of the printer I got! I used the picture of you from January 2005 in front of Alison’s house with Kisa, that one of you with Kisa that was on Lavalife and the one responsible for me meeting you, one with Dac taken when you were in Vancouver, one of you (a really old one – you look skinny!) with a three-pointer hanging up and you’ve got your rifle taken in a garage somewhere (Abbotsford?), and one where you’re looking pretty self satisfied in your float tube (how bizarre – you’re drinking a Coke!). I had some glossy paper and printed them in best quality (took forever – I just went and fixed dinner and it was still going when I got back. The frame is just made of plastic but the black surround makes the colourful pictures look great. I want to get a larger frame that I can put some of your (and my) favourite shots in together – like Quesnel Lake, that old house in the snow near you at 108 Mile Ranch and that one of Kisa that you sold. The little frame had two silver medallions – one that says "LOVE" that I have left on there and a little one that said "Love" and had a heart – that little one will be perfect to go in you scrapbook.

Jeez, I have so much that I have to work on: the house is a dump and needs lots of work, I need to be working on my literature review for my Masters’ and I need to work on you scrapbook and the one for Jessi. (I ought to be going to the gym, too.)

But for now I’m going to do nothing at all save a little reading before I fall asleep. I’m pretty sure there are stars out tonight and I will go out and send you a hug. I’m pretty sure that I won’t be out there for long ‘cuz I know I will cry so you’ll have to drag yourself away from what ever it is that you are up to up there and come and hug me back.

I miss you so –


- Susan

Friday night, 10 February 2006 [11:45 p.m.]:

Grizz –

Hi, hon, how goes it?

Did you ever see the 60s film "Billy Jack"? I got it out on DVD and watched it tonight and of course it reminded me of you and of Clayton. How is he and your Dad and Grandpa? I’m sure you fine dudes are having a high old time as you deserve. Great thing about Heaven is that you don’t ever need a licence to hunt or fish! Enjoy and don’t worry about those of us down here – when the time is right, we’ll see you again.

One year ago today you went to Paul’s and spent the day riding Sunny. I have to wonder where Sunny is now seeing that Paul sold the ranch. It is hard on animals when we don’t really have a way of telling them what has happened to the people they love. I know it was hard on Kisa.

I have decided that I am going to contact Don R again. I am also going to put my profile up on RSVP again because there are one or two people that I would like to contact. But, out of respect to you and this being the anniversary, I am going to wait until after Valentine’s Day to contact anyone. That was the nicest Valentine’s Day card that I sent you last year and I never knew if you received it. I kind of think that you did. I hope so. The card had a lovely way of saying "I love you" but my message on it was definitely saying goodbye and, in a way, giving you permission to leave. You were such a sweetheart and so good to me – I don’t think that very many people (Ken, maybe?) realised. You were such a private person sometimes – and saddled with somebody like me who makes a point of letting it all hang out – LOL!

I only wanted to make a short post tonight so I will leave it there and let you get back to your huntin’, fishin’ and beer drinking! The only thing that makes this bearable at all is the thought that you are in no more pain and you don’t have to see yourself losing your natural abilities – like your vision and stamina. You know that I would have done anything to take the pain away or to somehow win you a cure. I Promise that I will try for others.

‘night for now you handsome Canuck! Stop every once in awhile and think of me and I will know it. I try every single day to honour my Promises. I love you with every heartbeat and miss you with every breath.

One day I will be there… and I don’t think that it can come soon enough.

All my love –


- Susan

February 09, 2006

Thursday night, 9 February 2006 [10:00 p.m.]:

Hey ya’, my KD –

Hi, hon. I’ve just been sitting here and I read the notes on our two ‘phone calls this day last year. You got so mad when I said that I was coming on Saturday! Phew! No wonder I gave in and cancelled my flight.

But later when you rang me, we had the loveliest talk – really, I think it was our best conversation (and that includes Messenger and e-mail). You were having the very best day and were so full of energy – and you played me the ZZ Top song on your truck’s stereo system. You were funny and sweet like usual.

Honey, I’ve got to go – if I don’t I am just going to get all upset. I have already started to cry and I am trying to be strong. I know that you don’t want me to cry and be upset so I try hard not to. And if you read this, Don M, you don’t have to tell me that, I’ve known it for more than a year, yeah?

Thinking constantly of you – I am doing what I can to stay positive. I’ve got a good idea about that second Promise that you asked me to make. I’ll write you tomorrow so take care. Know that I love you now and always will. Go be with Jessi, she needs you.

- S.

February 07, 2006

Tuesday night, 7 February 2006 [9:00 p.m.]:

Hey, there, Fat Fingers!

Here it is, such terrible things were happening this time last year, and I’m calling you "Fat Fingers" and teasing you – oh, well, I bet I made you smile!

The most amazing thing has happened!!! (You probably have to live in New South Wales to appreciate this, or the Southern Hemisphere at the very least…) Today while I was driving in to work I saw a jacaranda in bloom! This is ridiculous – it’s into February and we had an early season this year as well. It was at the intersection of Vaughan Street and Harrow Road and it happens to be one of the tress that I had picked flowers from to take to you and Clayton. If I remember to take my camera in the morning, I’ll take a photo of it.

Honey, you got back from Mexico a year ago today and it was the most awful day. You got on Messenger really late (like usual, you night owl) and you thought that you had missed me. You started to say goodbye to me – it was awful… I caught you in time before you logged off and it was a very sobering conversation – at least you told me that I was your friend, that you needed to know that I was going to be OK without you and you told me that nobody else could love me as much as you do – you completely blew me away.

But what you didn’t say, until the very, very end of the conversation, was that you had retinal haemorrhages and you had lost your vision – you, the hunter, had gone blind. Oh, honey, and I tried to keep up your spirits – I could never, ever think of you as being anything less than positive – so I told you to go outside anyway and face where Ursa Major would be and wish on your star even though you couldn't see it. I hope you (and Ken) didn’t think me heartless, cold and uncaring. But I just never thought of you as someone who would want to be fussed over and I was trying anything that might keep you from getting too depressed. You are my very Treasure, Keith, and it’s so hard and I loved you and I still love you and I miss you so very much.

I didn’t hear from you on the 8th but you were great on the 9th – I think maybe the fact that you had made up your mind about what you were going to do sort of freed you and I’m so glad we spoke those times on the 9th. Anyway, more about that in my post on the ninth.

I have to close now and work on my resume and covering letter for my job. Things are so bad at work right now: first the job application thing and, unbelievably, Jill gave me just today a whole new section for the Cardiac Sonography subject and they are due in students’ hands by March 3rd. I simply cannot believe it as she knows I already have Physics & Instrumentation 1 and 2 (2 is mostly done), Vascular Sonography and a tidy up of Sono in OB/GYN already in the queue ahead of it – how can I possibly get it all done? Kerrie is the only one who could possibly help me and she is swamped herself. Anyway, enough of this bitching – while this stuff is all really small fish compared to what’s really important in life, my job with the Uni is threatened right now in spite of all that I do (and have done) for them. ‘nuff said.

Tearing myself away ‘cuz I have to work on the job application – I’d rather sit here and feel closer to you (I feel close to you always but work does tend to take you off centre stage a bit) but I have to go.

I think of you sleeping, your breathing shallow and even, with your back to me, lying on your left side. I crawl into bed next to you, careful not to wake you. I push my back up against yours and feel your breathing vibrating through me. I close my eyes. And I sleep.

If I say, "I want to see you again", people will think that I am crazy, that we have never met. But you and I know that we have and that we will do again.

Good night, my love –


- S.

February 06, 2006

Monday night, 6 February 2006 [11:15 p.m.]:

Hi, KD –

Last night the moon was a perfect half. Tonight it was already that little bit fatter. The fruit bats came sailing in like a 1950s movie about the Jap’s attack on Pearl Harbour – wave upon wave.

One year ago you were still in Mexico and I was hoping like hell that you were having the time of your life. I always only ever wanted the best for you, hon, and I am so sorry the way it all worked out.

Tonight I am going to leave it there – I think I might try and start a letter to Don M – feeling a little fragile at the moment so I am not sure if I can manage to get one out to him or not. But I would like him to know that I am thinking of him and wishing all the best for him, too.

Sleep well –


- Susan

February 05, 2006


Here's Keith's "cub" pic with the bear from Sitka (way back in 1980) and the bear I got today in Chinatown. The sunflowers came up themselves in the part of the garden we tilled for sweetcorn - I wonder how long the seeds had been there waiting. The little purple thing is for incense. Posted by Picasa

Sunday evening, 5 February 2006 [8:45 p.m.]:

Hi, honey, me again.

Just got back from watching Choy Lee Fut do the lion dancing in Chinatown today. Can you believe that I forgot my camera! I found a large lion head (like the Chinese lion dance kind) that’s a bit over a foot across as a surprise for Warwick. He’s coming over tomorrow and he’ll get it then. I also got him a sandalwood incense holder. And I got a tiny little elephant, a Chinese 2006 calendar, a little red paper lantern and, to put with your picture on the bedside table, a carved black bear. Did I tell you yesterday that I put two sunflowers with your picture, too? It looks really nice. Here’s what the calendar says about those of you born in the year of the boar (pig): "Fair but materialistic, the Pig is brave, thoughtful, polite, considerate and ready to help. He is also reliable and thus makes a lot of friends from different areas. His diligence and hard work pave the way for his great success." Well, damn, KD, that sure sounds like you all right [except I never thought of you as materialistic (but you sure did enjoy your "boy’s toys")]. Here’s what it says about me: "Independent and optimistic, the Tiger is well organised and often works alone. She is lucky and will enjoy success but must refrain from being too self-centred". Ooops, not too good – LOL!

Warwick’s girlfriend, Alison, and his mates Anson, Little Ben and Austin came to Chinatown to watch and afterwards we went to the restaurant next to the CLF kung fu school and ate. When we finished, Alison and I walked up to "The Illustrated Man" so that I could get my navel pierced but they were closed by the time that we got there ;-( . I don’t know why, it just dawned on me yesterday to do it – I mean I am running out of fingers to put rings on so I guess that I just have to start elsewhere – LOL! I suppose that this means that I will have to look around for a decent, clean place to get it done and I will also have to look around for a nice belly bar. I’m thinking that I will see if I can get one in sterling with a charm on the end – I’d like to have a five-pointed star (a dragon or tiger would be better if I could find one).

Chinese New Years is early this year – do you remember that I had reservations to fly to Van on the 12th last year and when you asked me not to on the 9th, I spent the day in Chinatown just like this year. And all day long I thought how I should have been on that plane. That Saturday the 12th last year was Friday night in Canada and I would have arrived at your house in 108 at about 3:45 in the afternoon on the Canadian Saturday. Well, it would have been nice to have met Don and Paul and to see you (I had no idea, of course, that you had sent Ken home) but I didn’t know ‘til later the plans that you had made and why it would have been a bad idea for me to have come. No wonder you argued so strongly against my coming. But I loved you heaps, honey (still do), and any decision that you came to would have been fine with me – I would have helped you, as you now know.

If anything, I love you more now than I did then – maybe because you taught me to love myself more, too. I sure as shit miss you and at times it gets really hard but you were the best, best thing and I have no regrets.

I hope everybody is OK this week ‘cuz this is a hard one… lot’s of special prayers going out for your poor Mum, for Jessie and Craig, for Alison, Bill and Jocelyn and all your nieces and nephews; for your wonderful friends Ken, Don, Paul, Jimmi, Bruno, Doyal, your fishing and hunting mates and anyone that I’ve forgotten right now. I wish that Alison didn’t act like she does – I certainly cannot figure her out – she doesn’t seem, at least to me, to be anything like you. I think that we all should be in touch with each other, I think that we all should celebrate you together. You were so special honey, so good to so many people, that you deserve to be celebrated. Don says it’s your risky behaviour that Alison objected to – well what does that have to do with me? [OK, I admit it – if I had been there I would have showered you with love and presents and all sorts of stuff and I would have encouraged you to do any little thing that your heart desired – motorcycles, jetboats, real fast on snowmobiles, rock music, dancing, laughing, having fun – anything! I would have just spoiled you rotten.]

I know in my heart that we would have been good together you and I, so it makes putting up with a lot of very average people that I tend to meet a bit, well, ordinary. Don said that you lived for a rush – well maybe I do, too, and am only just now finding that out.

Going to go – the cats are calling for me to fill up their food bowls. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I was on the FAOL chat room this morning. A nice bunch. Anyway, I have to work on my application for my own job (jeez, that is pissing me off, I am not very happy with the political crap that is flying around at the moment) and I just haven’t been in the mood for it. But I gotta do it – applications close on Thursday.

K, honey, gotta "love ya’ and leave ya’" as they say. There was quite a pretty sunset tonight so maybe the stars will be out and we can meet.

If you can this week, come visit all of us who miss you (especially Jessie) ‘cuz this is a real hard time for us and we miss you so. Love –


- Susan, your Tiger Woman


Here's the photo of Keith with his trophy spring salmon on the Kitimat River in British Columbia. This is one of my favourite photos of Keith and the one I framed tonight. I think I probably posted this same photo earlier in the blog but I hope you enjoy it anyway! I sure do! Posted by Picasa

early Sunday morning, 5 February 2006 [12:15 a.m.]:

Hey ya’ – it’s me again already!

I found a nice shadow-box style picture frame on Thursday night and tonight I resized your "spring salmon on the Kitimat" photo to fit. I had some Canon glossy paper and used the highest quality setting on my little cheapy Brother multi-function printer/scanner and it came out fabulous! I am really pleased cause I didn’t pay very much for the printer (about $90 – LOL!) and was wondering how I’d go printing out photos for your scrapbook. Only worry I have now about it is whether or not it will print on vellum. I’ve decided that I am just going to buy nice little inexpensive picture frames when I see them and just print off my favourite photos of you and have them tucked all around the house.

Enjoy yourself and I’ll look for you in the stars.


- Susan

February 04, 2006

Saturday night, 4 February 2006 [9:00 p.m.]:

Hi, honey, me again! ;-)

Nice day to day, but it didn’t seem like I got very much done. Did some shopping [boring stuff – groceries, clothes, Rainex (LOL!)] and I went to a motorcycle show.

It was the 12th year the show has been run and it featured street and custom bikes. They were giving out all sorts of prizes and the most fun was the "People’s Choice". I had a hell of a time deciding – I wish there had been a category for "Best BSA", "Best Harley" and "Best Triumph" ‘cuz it was really difficult to decide on just one. I really, really liked the BSA but in the end it all came down to a Harley that really did it for me. It wasn’t overly showy (there were plenty of bikes that were) but it had some nice touches. It had the most beautiful chrome wheels – I have never seen anything like them. Just all black paintwork and chrome and very nicely done. There was a 1953 BSA that was cool – I have a feeling it was owned by a guy named Glenn but I am not certain it was his. That was the one thing that was missing – only one or two bikes had any written information about them, about the owner or about the bike or custom stuff. I think that I might contact the club, "The Brotherhood", and see if next year they might like someone to do up an A4 sheet for each entry. Besides, that would be a great way for me to learn more about the bikes. If I had the $$ right now, I’d see if there was a BSA Bantam around for sale – "tried one on" at a party in December and it felt absolutely fantastic, as if I had been born on it. Motorcycles, g-strings and ZZ Top – I must be your angel, eh? There were guys wearing colours from Hells Angels, Banditos, The Ambassadors and Ulysses – only colours missing were Comancheros. Colours were in the minority – but there was a hell of a lot of tatts on display! I had a look at a black leather wristband with studs that looked nice. Oh, that reminds me! I have decided that I am going to get my navel pierced and get a nice belly bar. Why not? I have a nice, flat tummy and a bit of silver sparkle would be nice. LOL! I didn’t dress up for the show at all but after I was there I wished that I had trotted out the mini skirt – LOL! Damn it that I didn’t get the chance to wear it to Seven Mile Beach with Don R that time. There’s a mainly Harley show in April that I’m going to go to.

Hon, I’m going to go and have something to eat. I seem to have lost my appetite these days – I think it’s because it’s so close to the anniversary of your death – at least my hair is only falling out a little now and not in chunks like last year when you were so sick. I was thinking earlier today about how powerless I felt back then – I waved my fist under the very nose of your death-angel but she took you anyways and left me without you. If only she could have taken me and not you ‘cuz the world was a for sure better place when you were in it, honey. Such a shame to deprive so many people of someone so nice as you.

I just went out and picked some sunflowers from the garden and you have two in front of your picture on my bedside table and they look really nice. I like it when I have flowers picked just for you.

Thank you for letting me be there so many, many times for you. Alone, in the dark, in the middle of the night, you’d ‘phone or Message and we’d laugh and you’d relive all your precious times. It means so much that you wanted to share your very self with me.

‘night, sweetheart –


- Susan

February 03, 2006

Friday night, 3 February 2006 [11:00 p.m.]:

Hi, my KD!

You were following me around in K-mart tonight, weren’t you? I turned around suddenly and raised my head and there you were, briefly. So did you get an eyeful of all those bras and the sexy little g-strings I got? Some of them are so cute – I can’t wait to wear them! I love, love, love wearing the most outrageously sexy underwear just under jeans or what I wear to work. It is too funny – staid on the outside and red-hot on the inside – LOL! Maybe it’s just me being contrary but I get a laugh out of it most times.

Not sure what to do about Don (Sydney). I am completely in two minds about contacting him or not. I keep wondering what advice you’d give me if you heard the whole story. What am I saying?! Of course you knew what happened and what was said because you are always with me and you are "in" on everything. Maybe this whole blog is just silly ‘cause I don’t need to tell you a thing. But I like writing to you, I like the fact that other people can see what it’s like to lose someone they love – their most well-meaning friend – and all the things I’m going through being without you, missing you and grieving for you.

I’ll be OK in the end, I know. I want other people to see the journey, to see the changes, to see the love. I am so, so, so lucky to have met you. I am so, so, so lucky to have loved you. I am so, so, so lucky that you cared for me and loved me back. You will never, ever die because you live with me.

I was on FAOL bulletin boards again tonight – a really nice bunch of people. They always seem to rise to the occasion whenever anyone is in need. They outfitted a young boy with everything a fly angler could need and now they are getting tying stuff together for a soldier, Tim, in Iraq (on his third tour of duty the poor bugger). Can’t remember how many posts I’ve made since I joined the boards but I try to read it every couple of days – well, I can only manage to get through a page or two, there is that much stuff there. And I try to add a post if I think that I can make a contribution. Did you know a guy named Caneman? He’s apparently back on the site after a long absence. I considered saying ‘Hi’ to him and telling him that I was woefully trying to fill your shoes (as if) but in the end I decided against it. This little piece of kangaroo fur that I got for Leonard feels so nice! I looked and looked for skins for him and the prices and then bought him this piece (a keychain) so he’d know if he could use a skin before I bought and he wound up getting one in the US somewhere. Now I have to think of something clever to do with this piece. No, I am not ready to start tying flies yet!

It’s starting to get dark earlier (which I hate). Tonight on my way home from shopping at around 8:30 p.m., the fruit bats were flying right down Mona Street, just a block from here. Looked quite strange. Well, I guess it’s better for all you Canucks as your days will be getting longer as ours recede.

Going to go – takes me awhile to get the whole place ready for bed. I guess I am just slow (takes me a long time to get ready for work, too). I’d probably drive you nuts when you wanted to go out fishing or camping while I took ages to get ready.

Ooh, that reminds me – Rufflie just flipped out on me last night. I usually tell her "Time for bed" and she runs right to the verandah to have her treat (a chicken hotdog), goes right in and doesn’t make a peep all night. Last night she ran right in got up on her brand new bed (she had one before but it was falling apart so I got her a new one – one of those sort of sling ones) then dropped the hotdog and ran to the back door. She cowered there and did her nervous pee-ing thing and I had to put a leash on her and drag her back to bed! She was pathetic. She is just way too submissive sometimes and I wonder why. I just have to wonder if she wasn’t abused when she was a small puppy. She would have had to have been pretty small as we got her when she was about ten weeks old, I think. I hope we don’t have a repeat performance again tonight.

Honey, I have to go. Stay with me if you can, I really need you. Wait! That is completely unfair as there are people, like Jessi, that need you more than I do and you really should go to her, especially now. But think of me from time to time and I will know it when you do.

Love, laughs, joy, friendship – all our gifts to each other. Thank you so very, very much.

- Always your Susan

early Friday morning, 3 February 2006 [1:10 a.m.]:

Hey, sweetest dude.

I love you and I miss you. Cloudy skies so no stars tonight so we couldn’t meet there.

Twelve months ago today you were on your way to Mexico with Jimmi to meet up with Bruno. I am so sorry it didn’t work out better for you – we all had such high hopes! I had to be patient then ‘cuz you weren’t able to write or Messenger me for four days. I wanted you to stay there and have a riot of a time and party hard and at the same time I wanted you back ‘cuz I knew our time left together was going to be short.

I saw Pip today and it was great as usual. I told her you’d go and punch Don R’s (the Sydney one) lights out – LOL! And you'd save a little pep talk for me for being a little less positive than I should have been.

I keep wondering about Graham and how he is and what he’s up to. He’s the second nicest guy I’ve ever gone out with.

Hon, it’s late and I’m tired. Trying really hard not to get too teary these days but it sure is hard. I want to know how Jess, and Don (your Don) and Ken, too, are faring. I wish them all the very best and send them love every day – I hope some of it gets through, even if they don’t know where it’s coming from.

I ordered a second of Clayton’s books – the first disappeared in the mail – and it should have been here by now but is not. What a disappointment. I was such a damn fool to refuse your offer of the dedicated copy of "White Guys & Grizzlies" – I wish that you had sent it to me anyway even though I said no. I’m hoping Jessi has it and it sure would be nice to see it (and the blanket) one day. And her, of course!

Got to go – love you heaps, more than you knew at the time (but you can see it all now, can’t you?).

Missing you –

- Susan