November 28, 2005

early Monday morning, 28 November 2005 [12:45 a.m.]:
My sweetest sweetheart –

Today was a day for mixed emotions. Even though it was a Sunday, the bell rang at just before 9 a.m. and the postie had Don’s parcel from Canada. Here, finally, right in my hands was the package that I had waited nine months for!

I was able to open it straight away (wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to) and of course I put the hat on and it’s been on ever since. After about four hours, I decided to adjust it a bit to make it a bit tighter so it wouldn’t come off too easily. It is the filthiest, grubbiest, smelliest hat I have ever witnessed and I love it! NO WAY am I going to wash it and people can think what they like about it! I am completely amazed as to why Colleen didn’t ever throw it into the wash but maybe you gave her strict instructions to leave it alone. Boy, do I ever look like a salty dog! (Now I better get my casting up to speed ‘cuz I sure look like a seasoned old fisher woman with it on!)

Honey, it’s late and I’ll write more tomorrow about the other things that you sent me. I’m wearing the Sage hat to bed – so send me some nice dreams.

Love you always –

- Susan

November 25, 2005


A portion of my Welsh flag and a few of the jacaranda blossoms I am taking to British Columbia to distribute on the Skeena River as my way of honouring Keith. If I can find where Clayton is buried, I will leave some on his grave as a way of saying 'thank you'. Posted by Picasa

November 24, 2005

Thursday night, 24 November 2005 [10:45 p.m.]:

Hi, there, my honey.

Well you are probably thinking that I have forgotten all about you since I haven’t written in so long! But of course not a heartbeat moves in me without I think of you – you are much loved, cherished and missed.

I don’t know why, but I have been so very, very tired lately. I’ve been staying up like usual but I don’t seem to get anything done. Heaps have gone on – I don’t know how I’ll catch you up on everything!

Here is the best, most exciting thing! – Don posted your package to me from 100 Mile House on the twenty-first and it is on it’s way to me!!! You know, Don has been such a legend. Keith, he is a wonderful, wonderful person – he has really gone to bat for me and I owe him big time. I’m hoping when I come over to bring you your jacarandas that Don and I will be able to meet and to spend some time together. Oh, I just remembered – today was the day that I was supposed to fly out to Van. It’s only ‘cuz Don clued me into the weather on the Skeena in the winter that kept me from going. And now that I know that I’m hiking and I’ve got the time (probably will come in mid-July) I can get together all the stuff I’ll be needing. Today I ordered my tent (an expedition 2-man from a German company called "Robens"), two pairs of hiking pants – the convertible ones that zip off into three different lengths and are quick drying and one of those PackTowl things.

On Saturday I am going out of the metropolitan area to a plant nursery where the owner is an avid fly fisherman. He’s going to spend the morning and early afternoon teaching me the rudiments of the sport – how to rig up my line and leader, to cast and he’ll have a look at my flies. He gave me the email address of a man in Alaska (Rene from Ultimate Rivers) who sent me back a lovely letter about my hike up the Skeena and the steelhead and Dolly Vardens. He said that I shouldn’t go alone and that I need to check into the fishing regs. He also offered to put me in touch with some fishermen from the area and I think I will take him up on that. I’m going tomorrow to get some PVC conduit to make myself a case for the rod. One of these days I’ll make a small pouch for the reel.

Work has been completely shitful but if it weren’t for work I wouldn’t be able to come so I am stuck with it. Also, as a staff member I get special borrowing privileges at the Library and they even get in journal articles that aren’t in the University’s holding for free.

Honey, it is almost exactly one year since we "met" – we were so fresh and young and full of fun then. How I miss those days. I had no idea, not the tiniest sliver or glimmer, that you would turn out to be the person, next to Wozza, that I’d love the most in the whole world. I had no idea that you would transform me, no idea that you would set my feet on two amazing paths – my month on the Skeena solo and working on my Master’s. You know if you weren’t a guide you could be a motivational speaker (I guess that’s just a different sort of a guide).

I’d like to tell you about John S. but I have no idea how to explain it. All I know is that I am heartily disappointed and I don’t understand what has happened at all. He was eerily like Warren but maybe not so cruel. Well, come to think of it, maybe he was. I will tell you that, after a short series of nice emails, we went out on his motorcycle last Friday night. He picked me up and we went to my favourite coffee house in Parramatta, then we went to a mainly Thai restaurant in West Ryde and then he drove all the way to Manly!!! It was a beautiful night and the moonlight on the sea looked like beaten metal. He had a speaker/mike system in the helmets so we could talk and it was great. Then things got a little freaky and Monday afternoon I got a "Dear John" letter. But I had him over for dinner last night anyway and I’m hoping we can stay friends – he can’t explain what happened himself so I’ve got f*ck all chance of understanding it myself.

What is it with me, anyway? I have gotten Christmas presents for Graham, for Warren and for John S. – I just couldn’t help myself… I saw things that I knew that they would like and I just had to get them. I think that there will be three shocked gentlemen at Christmastime. Now Don is someone that I really should get a gift for and I have no idea what to get. He’s so funny, he’s one of those guys that doesn’t say a lot but when he does, it matters. Oh, gosh, the time he balled me out for contacting Jim and Deanna! I copped it for sure. But you have to hand it to the man – he did what he felt he had to do and that’s the cool thing about Don – you can always rely on him to be true to his word and to his beliefs. Thank you for letting me make his acquaintance. A top bloke.

Ah, the Aussie slang "bloke" – reminds me of an Australian movie "Wolf Creek" that I saw with Glenn W. last week. A story loosely based on the backpacker murderer Ivan Milat – excellent cinematography, score and characterisation. Glenn volunteers on projects overseas every year and he is the Philippines until just before Christmas working in some remote fishing village. Last year, he did two rotations in Thailand after the tsunami – he’s a forensic pathologist.

Grizz, I am going to finish and go get ready for bed a bit earlier than usual. I have lots to tell you but it will have to way ‘til another day.

Looking forward to seeing the night sky on the Skeena – and being with you in the stars. You’ve given your precious Sage hat to the right person ‘cuz I’m taking it to the Skeena where you wanted to be and it’ll get to be a fishing hat again. The only thing is, honey, that I feel a little guilty after I saw Jessi’s post – now that I’ve found out that she fished with you, maybe it should go to her. Maybe I can set it up so that if anything happened to me, Wozza can organise it for her to have it then.

All my love and about 95% of my thoughts (LOL! no wonder I’m ditsy sometimes!). XOXOXOXOXO –


- Susan

November 13, 2005

early Sunday morning, 13 November 2005 [12:15 a.m.]:

K.D. -

Well, I put these Metallica lyrics in here somewhere else but they really had me thinking tonight so here they are again:

So close, no matter how far;
couldn’t be more tore from the heart.
Forever trust in who we are –
and nothing else matters.


Never opened myself in this way.
Life is ours; we live it our way.
All those words I don’t just say -
and nothing else matters.


Trust I seek and I find in you.
Everyday for us something new.
Open mind for a different view –
and nothing else matters.


Truly, nothing else really does matter anymore.

Sleep in peace, love –


- Susan (your Tiger)

November 12, 2005

Saturday night, 12 November 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:

Hi, honey.

Nine months ago today I had that mantra in my head: "I should be on the plane, I should be on the plane". And today I was thinking again, "I should have been there to help Keith, I should have been there to help Ken."

You know how hard I tried. And I don’t think anybody, save for Jessi, could have loved you more. What a shame that it all just happened too late.

So I’m a bit sad tonight in spite of all the hopes and plans for my big BC trip. It’s been so much fun and I’m harvesting the jacarandas for you, too, but this anniversary has pushed me back to where I was feeling months ago. I guess it just goes to show how much I care but it’s hard to miss you as much as I do sometimes.

Damn, Warren is on MSN again and I truly do not know what to do – I hate the idea of him thinking that I am as vulnerable as I am.

No word from Don. Do you suppose that he is still in Van???

Love always –


- Susan

November 11, 2005

Friday, 11 November 2005 [9:30 p.m.]:

Hey ya, Grizz.

I don’t think I told you about my bracelets… I got a cubic zirconia and sterling one on a black band that spells out "K E I T H" and then I got one that says "G R I Z Z" and today I got another that reads "K D" with a heart in the middle of the letters. The last two are real cheapies but they actually look better than the expensive one! (I reckon the bracelets are sort of like alternative tatts right now. Don’t have enough $$$ for the memorial tatts that I want so I’m making do with the ID bracelets instead.)

I was just off having a little think and got a bit teary about Jessi. Here’s what started it – I was wondering if I should buy a pair of waders for the trip. I know they’d be pretty heavy to lug around but there are places where the Skeena runs through a steep valley and I’m sure I’ll have to walk in the water and cross and re-cross it. Into my mind comes that image of you holding that spring salmon on the Kitimat and I thought about how cool it would be if Jess wound up with your fly fishing stuff. And down rolled the tears. C’mon, hon, I’ve cried enough – I wish I knew how to go on loving you without missing you so. You know I’ve been worried about your gear – well, it would be just perfect if Jess wound up with it. You know what I’d really like, hon? A picture of you and Jess fishing; that would be just too cool.

No word from Don, damn.

Having a major cleanup of my bedroom so I better get back to it. Kia kaha –


- Susan

November 10, 2005

Thursday, 10 November 2005 [11:30 p.m.]:

Hi, hon.

You should have seen Venus tonight! It is so, so big lately and the moon is a bit bigger than half full.

Saw this baby preying mantis the day before yesterday – it was about 1cm long. I think that they are so cute. It was on one of my three baby chrysanthemums that have had a problem with aphids in the past – let’s hope the mantis stays around and has aphid smorgasbord on a daily basis.

The topo maps have arrived! I have the whole area from Hazelton to the headwaters of the Skeena covered in both 1 : 50,000 and 1 : 250,000 scales. Hon, this is going to be quite some hike!!! The area just north of Hazelton is just riddled with Indian reserves – do you suppose that I will need permission to cross the land? Jeez, I wish I could get in touch with that pilot!

If Sheherazade had a cave instead of a tent, it would look something like my bedroom. Everyday I hang up more branches of jacaranda to dry. It’s funny but if you sniff the flowers, you don’t notice any scent. But here in my room is a lovely, faint, fresh, floral fragrance. Add to the picture all the little statues and carvings and all my candles and incense burners and posters and it is looking very exotic indeed. You’d be comfortable here, honey.

Going to cut it short tonight, honey – I am really tired tonight and it always takes me a little while to get me and the animals organised for bed.

Miss you as always –

- Susan

P.S.: How on earth did you manage to tie all those flys with your big fat fingers, anyway? LOL! (Oh, go on – you know I’m just teasing you.) Here’s a kiss to make up – {{{XOXOXOX}}}.

November 04, 2005

Friday night, 4 November 2005 [9:30 p.m.]:

Hey there, handsome dude! ;-)

Honey, I don’t know how to explain the way things are right now but I want you to know how I feel and what is going on. Had a few tears twice today, that post from Jessi just sort of set me off. Let’s see, how to explain to you…

For a start, you make me sooo happy! I am doing all this stuff, having all this fun and growing as a person because of you. The things that you wanted for me are all beginning to happen and I feel so lucky and so grateful to have you as my friend. You will always, always be with me. You steady me, you give me peace, you show me a way to be with others. I often look at your "cub" photo and that wonderful, wonderful look you have on your face always gives me the most wonderful warm, steady, "right" sort of a feeling inside me. Always. Here I am, planning this most amazing of journeys and it is all because of you! When people hear that I am heading north UP the Skeena – on my own – they just can’t believe it. I am a very, very determined person and I **always** do what I say I am going to do. Admittedly on this trip I am going to have a GPS and an EPIRB so while I will be really roughing it, I am not going to be completely out of touch. Ya, I hafta carry in (and out) everything – clothes, food, tent, sleeping bag, tools & utensils, fishing gear, the jacaranda blossoms, some water from the Parramatta River and some from the mouth of the Skeena, first aid and survival kits: everything. I don’t even know how far up I am going or how long it will take! I know that I won’t be listening to the iPod (I just want to be completely in touch with the Skeena) and I wouldn’t allow anyone to come along that isn’t a friend or family member of yours. And even if they did come, I wouldn’t want there to be a lot of chitchat – this is a very spiritual journey and I think we need to be completely open to the spirit of the place and to your presence that is there and always will be so. But I tell you, it sure as hell would be nice to sit around a campfire with some of your mates and swap KD/Grizz stories. Damn – would I ever like that!

Don is still down in Van, I think, because I haven’t heard back from him yet. I hope to God he hasn’t had another problem with his truck! (I sent him a short email that said, "I guess that’s what you get when you drive a Ford!" – I’ll die of embarrassment if he really does drive one!

Now here is some really cool news (wouldn’t be surprised if you made it happen)! We had a very mild winter and a warm, early spring and half the jacarandas are completely confused. They usually always bloom when there is not foliage on (remember all those photos that I sent you?) so you just have the dark bark and the gorgeous jacaranda blue blossoms. Not this year – half of the jacarandas have come out with both leaves and flowers (which doesn’t look so pretty). Well, the tree that Warwick and I planted has had all these beautiful dark green ferny leaves – and yesterday I noticed one little flower bract right up at the top starting to open!! The first flowers of that new little tree and they will find themselves in Bella Coola and on the Skeena – isn’t that just sooo cool?!

Going tomorrow to pick up the hydration bladder for my pack and while I’m there have a look at their tents, boots and other stuff. My ISP was down the other night and I missed bidding on eBay on a Garmin eTrek Venture GPS – it sold for only $US90 which is really good – the Venture has a longer battery life than the others. Guess what – you can actually buy GPS devices on Amazon!! LOL!

OK, hon, going to go – come soon, ‘cuz I’m needing one of your hugs (and send one to Jess while you are at it). Love –

- Susan (Tiger Woman)

November 02, 2005

Wednesday, 2 November 2005 [7:30 p.m.]:

Keith –

Oh, hon, I don’t know what to say…. You know, I was all excited about finding the Shakespeare fly rod and reel combo today and I wanted to share that with you and then…

…and then I searched Google for "Fly Fishing 101" and guess what came up? In amongst the other stuff that I was reading – there was Jessi’s post on Fly Angler’s On Line from early February 2003. And her address on Yahoo.ca. And her address has the numbers "420" – does that mean her birthday is April 20th and maybe you did call her April?? I am having a really hard time believing that you would lie to me, sweetie, you just weren’t the type to lie. So until there is some evidence to the contrary as far as I am concerned Jessi = April, OK?

I was completely taken aback by my reaction to seeing Jessi’s post. She sounded so sweet and nice and proud of her Dad (and so she should be!). She also sounded really bouncy and happy and not like someone that, just two years later, would have to say a final farewell to you. How hard it must have been for her! So when I saw her name and her post and her email address, I just sobbed. I cried and cried and cried like I haven’t done for a while now. I miss you so and I wonder how Jess is doing and if she’s still doing her Uni course – you were proud of her, too! Anyway, I went and splashed cold water all over my face, tried to hang up the laundry and do a bit of gardening but I just had to come back in and start writing to you. You are sort of the beginning and the end of everything for me, you know.

A beautiful sunset out there – all pastel and iridescent with "God beams". It’s been overcast at night so no stars but it looks as if there might be some tonight.

Anyway, the rod is 8’ in three pieces, "Contender" reel, floating line, tapered leader and two flies. I also have the four flies I bought before plus twelve salmon/trout flies that I bought on eBay and on their way to me now. I will have to find a tube for the rod to take it with my pack on the plane.

Looked at hiking boots today and tents and fuel bottles. Oh – I also ordered the 1: 50,000 and 1 : 250,000 topo maps for the section of the Skeena that I will be hiking. Will I need to abseil? Should I have my Mum’s deer rifle shipped up there? What about wet flies? Now don’t go getting too lazy in Heaven and sitting around with all that Sleeman’s! – You have a job to do now being my guardian angel! And what better angel could a girl headed to the Skeena have than one named "Grizz"?

K, hon, feeling a bit better now – I guess I wasn’t ready to have Jess’s info right in my face like that (although I had asked Don recently to see if he could manage to get some info out of her about where on the Skeena and about the bit where you called me "April").

You keep looking out for me, hon… I know that this month and the next few are going to be fairly hard going as anniversaries roll ‘round. I just want you to be happy – that’s all I ever wanted. For ever yours –

- Susan